Wednesday, 22 January 2020

The Little Tiff

Good morning friends...or afternoon, evening, night depending where you are in the world. Happy hump day to you all, hope the week is treating you all well. It's day two of Jordan being away again and I hate to say it but the kids and I got used to it pretty quickly. I only feel sad come bed time now; I'm still not ok with going to bed alone. The bed is too cold and quiet without him. Anyway, I'll try not to go into too much detail but I did mention yesterday that I got into a little text tiff with Jordan's mum last week and I just want to touch on it a little bit because a few things she mentioned has really bothered me and I'm having a hard time of just letting them go.

Pushed him into it....

The comment that started the whole tiff off was her accusing me of pushing Jordan into getting this job. "You were pushing him to get a better job that's why he swallowed his pride and went to Phil." For clarity, Phil is his step-dad who is the second highest boss of the company Jordan is now employed with. There's multiple things wrong with her statement... First off, Jordan didn't "swallow his pride" or approach his step-dad for a job, his mum asked him what he wanted for Christmas and he replied "a new job" she mentioned that there was a position opening up in Phil's company and to speak to him. So he did. He simply mentioned that if there's any work going, to give him a shout. A week later Jordan got a phone call from his mum to say the position was up and to send Phil his CV. 48 hours later, the job was Jordan's. So no, he didn't swallow his pride. The second thing that bothered me, more so than the first thing, is that I pushed him to get a new job. This is technically half true. Half true because she later went on and heavily implied that I was only pushing him to get a new job because I wanted more money. "Money does make the world go round and if you want to move and go out and do nice things, you need to earn money." Let me get one thing clear, yes Jordan earning more money was ONE reason he needed to get a new job but even just earning an extra £100 a month is the difference between us staying here or moving to a three bedroom rental, so it wasn't the main driving force behind getting a new job. For me, his mental health was the reason I was "pushing him to get a better job." 

Jordan has always been a bit of an introvert but would still enjoy hanging out with a couple of friends in a low-key environment. He was also more laid back and open to trying new things. However, when he moved from working down at a store to up to head office, during my pregnancy with Flynn, he began to become very depressed. His depression wasn't obvious at first and honestly, I was completely blind to it throughout the first 18 months of Flynn's life, due to dealing with postnatal depression; but once I'd noticed it, the signs were glaringly obvious. He would come home from work and fall asleep sitting up on the floor and that was after him stopping at least twice on the drive home to have power naps. We couldn't do anything together or even have a serious conversation because he'd fall asleep. I became worried about him and made him see a doctor because I thought maybe he was low on something; he was tired all the time. Everything came back normal though. He started to become more anti-social as well. Not towards the kids and me but to his and our friends. He stopped making arrangements to catch up with friends (which he would only do once every month or two anyway) and whenever we had company over at ours, he'd shut himself off, often retreating into his phone. He keeps to himself whenever we're with other people and has really closed himself off. I could see how unhappy he was every single day when he'd return from work. That job was eating away at him and it was paining me to see him unhappy. So I kept pushing him to get a better job. One that he would enjoy more and yes, preferably one that earned more than his current one. As I said before, even £100 more a month would've made a big difference, so the money was never a driving force. I wanted my Jordan back. The happy, laid back, go with the flow, approachable, friendly, open soul. Jordan has now moved out of retail, which he'd said about a thousand times he wanted to get out of, and is now in an IT role. He has been trying to get his foot into the IT door for almost two years now and whilst Test Analyst may not be the role he'd hope for, it's a stepping stone. I know in the long run, he is going to be so much happier. He is in his dream field and has a job with career progression. He also has a clear career path now, to get him into his dream job.

My whole frustration came from the accusation that I pushed Jordan into something he didn't want because I wanted more money to "go out and do nice things". By her own admission, she was "confused" about why I was so upset with him being gone, after all, I pushed him to get the job. Yes, I pushed him to get a new job because he was so unhappy in his other one. Yes, we both desired more income so we could buy a house. No, I did not force him to do something he didn't want because I wanted more money. He wanted a new job. He wanted to earn more to provide for his family (his own words, not mine). He wanted to get out of retail because that ship is sinking fast. He wanted to get into IT and have career progression. He didn't have the self-confidence to go for it though. So I gave him the nudge he needed and came out looking like a greedy bitch for it.

You need to support him...

Ok, I'm sorry, I know I said I wouldn't ramble on but turns out, this stuff has bothered me more than I cared to admit. Anyway, in the text tiff, it was also implied I wasn't been supportive of Jordan's new job. "Well Jordan is going to support you doing your degree so you need to support him doing this." Ok, hold up... Not once did I ever say I didn't support him. If I didn't support Jordan, he wouldn't even have this job because he never would have applied for it. He was scared he'd mess it up and that he wasn't good enough for the role. He was also worried about how being away for one night (because we were told it would only be one night) would effect the kids and our relationship. I reassured him that we would be fine; that if we couldn't go a single night apart then something was wrong with us. I told him I knew he'd be great and that he is a fast learner, a hard worker and a damn loyal employee. I told him any company would be lucky to have him and that he can't let his self-doubt stop him from being as great as I know he is. I promised him we'd be ok. If that isn't support, then clearly I'm doing it wrong. So to be accused of not being supportive because I was sad that he was gone (and gone for two nights instead of the one night they'd previously told us), just really pissed me off. I have supported Jordan in every life decision he has ever made and I will continue to support him until my dying breath. Am I happy he is gone and spends half a week away from me and the kids? Of course not! I want him to come home every night. Am I going to let my feelings stop me from supporting him in this job? Hell no! He and I are working together to make sure it's as easy on all of us as it possibly can be. Jordan calls as soon as he gets back to his hotel to tell me about his day and to talk to the kids. He then calls again at the kids bed time just so he can say goodnight to them. He'll then call a third time when he is going to bed so that we can have a heart to heart before we go to sleep. The phone calls have made it easier to cope with sleeping alone and dealing with whatever the next day throws at us. So we've found a way to make it work for us and it only took us a week. But no, I'm not supportive of his new job at all. That remark has bothered me the most.

Lucky to have him...

Last point and I'll keep it short but towards the end of the text tiff, Jordan's mum felt the need to remind me that I should feel lucky to be with her son; like I didn't already know.
"Jordan would walk to the end of the earth for you and the kids. Your lucky not many people in this world get that from their partner. You have struck gold in Jordan he will remain loyal to you always." This comment came immediately after I snapped back about the not supporting him comment...
"I've done nothing but support him and I'll never stop supporting him. He knows that." 
I've always felt like she looked down her nose at me and that I was never good enough for her son and that comment just really reinforced that feeling. One passive aggressive "joke" from her later, "If you miss him that much you can always put a Harry Potter film on." the text tiff came to a close. We have not spoken since. She did speak to Jordan on the phone though and told him all about it (painting me in a bad light apparently). Luckily, he'd called me first and I read out the entire conversation, text for text, so he knew everything that was said. She just gave him her account and thankfully he backed me up and told her that I do support him and that he was feeling really sad to be away from me and the kids as well; that being upset wasn't a sign of me not being supportive or anything. She ended the conversation with him by complaining that she didn't get to see her grandchildren enough. Of course, she's not mentioned this to me, so I guess it was her grasping at straws to find any way of making me look bad. She was just as annoyed with me as I was of her. He told me what she said and I just laughed and said that's because every time I ask if she is free to have the kids come visit, she's always working. If she wants to spent time with the kids, she just needs to tell me when she's free.

So yeah, those are the main points in the text tiff that really bothered me and that I've still not been able to let go. I don't want to hold onto this frustration and I would like to just move passed it all but I was accused of things that aren't true and I've not had an apology for the things said, so it feels harder to move passed it. She insulted me and I know I won't get an apology for it. I know I need to let it go and move on but I can't just. We've not spoken to each other since and usually I'm the one who bridges the gap when tensions are high (did it a lot during the house drama) but I just can't bring myself to message her and act like nothing happened. Since I'm not going to get an apology so I guess I just need time and distance from her in order to move passed what she said and implied. Life's too short to hold grudges but it's really hard to be nice to someone who clearly thinks less of you.

Sorry again for the long post, I know I said I'd try and keep it short but I've been holding so much of this in. I'm not about to put Jordan in the middle of a tiff between his fiancé and his mum so I've kept pretty much everything to myself since reading the whole conversation to him. It's just been playing on my mind a lot, especially not feeling good enough for him. I know I am good enough for him but that seed of doubt has been planted. Anyway, enough of all this. Next post won't be on any of this nonsense, I promise. If you managed to read through all this, thanks for letting me get it out. I appreciate you. 💓

Until next time,
Alli xo


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