Tuesday, 21 January 2020

Last week was rough.

Good morning everyone and happy Tuesday to you all. Apologies for the lack of posts last week; it was a bit of a rough week for our family. You see, Jordan started his new job and that meant he had to leave us for three days.

Monday was incredibly hard as the night before Jordan had been informed that his job would require him to be away for three days, two nights instead of the two days, one night that he'd previously been told. We didn't get much time to process that information unfortunately. I spent all of Monday angry because I felt as though we'd been lied to. On multiple occasions we'd both been told he'd either be required to work in the office on Monday/Tuesdays or Tuesday/Wednesdays; two days, one night. We were fine with that, we knew we could make it work because it was only a night and the kids were used to not seeing Jordan for 24 hours when he'd work the late shift one night and then the morning shift the next day at his old job. That meant he got home after they went to bed and left before they woke up in the morning. So him being gone for one night wasn't going to be that much of a change; he'd just be gone when they got up and then come back the following day at bed time. So finding out with 36 hours notice that he'd actually be gone from Tuesday to Thursday was hard to accept. The days weren't mentioned to him until after he had signed the contract. Jordan felt like maybe he misheard what his step-father had said about his office shifts but he hadn't because I'd heard him too. It was definitely two days up until the contract was signed and then less than 48 hours later, it was three days. So yeah, I spent Monday furious because I felt like we'd been deceived. Jordan being gone for three days isn't the end of the world but it didn't give us or the kids time to wrap our heads around it. Monday was spent with me shouting and then eventually crying because I was going to miss Jordan so much.

After school we explained to Vala it would be three days not two and she started sobbing. She said she was going to miss daddy so much that she needed to make a card for him to take in his suitcase. That's when he started crying. To some, us crying over Jordan's shifts seemed so silly but we're a very close family and since we moved in together, Jordan and I have only ever spent a single night apart; the night Flynn was born and I stayed in hospital. It was going to be such a big change for our family and I was honestly scared of the loneliness I'd feel at night. I didn't even want to think about going to bed alone.

Tuesday sadly rolled around and I woke in the morning to an empty bed. Due to the commute, Jordan was gone by 6:30am. I had a little cry in bed before getting the kids up for school. I knew I wouldn't see Jordan again until Thursday and I felt like a part of me had been ripped out. I got Vala to school and broke down crying as soon as Flynn and I got back. I felt stupid. Jordan being at work was nothing uncommon, the morning was no different to when he worked the morning shift but this time I knew he wasn't coming home. A morning shift at his old job meant he'd be home for dinner, now he wouldn't be home for dinner for the next three nights (he gets home after dinner time on Thursdays). I decided once Flynn was down for his nap, I'd go nap as well because my mood was too low to do anything.

However, as soon as I got Flynn down and climbed into bed, Jordan's mum messaged me. She told me Jordan had been quite nervous on the drive up with his step-dad but was now with his new team. I thanked her for letting me know and told her that we were all feeling really sad; that we'd all cried about the change. She was not sympathetic at all. Basically, she essentially told me to get over and make something of myself. Her actual words were "You will get used to it, he will be back on Thursday. It's short term pain for long term gain. The best thing you can do now is something for yourself. Maybe now is the time to learn to drive. It will give you confidence and independence. You got a car sitting there." I was in no mood to hear any of that. My partner and father of my children being away for half a week isn't something that I want to get used to. I know I will, but I don't want to. I also didn't appreciate her making suggestions of how I should my time while Jordan was gone; at least not at that moment in time. I was upset and just wanted a little bit of comfort. Something along the lines of "It'll be an adjustment but it will get easier and you'll all be ok. You and the kids are welcome to visit any time if you want some company." Maybe I was asking too much to get a little compassion like that, I don't know. Either way, her comment didn't sit well and it wasn't too long before we ended up having a little text tiff. In a nutshell, she couldn't understand why I was upset because I was "pushing him to get a better job..." That was comment that started the tiff. I won't go into too much detail about the tiff because this post is already long enough so I might cover it in another post but long story, short, she heavily implied that I forced Jordan to get a new job because I wanted more money and that I wasn't being supportive of him at all. We did settle the tiff with a teeny bit of a passive aggressive "joke" in which she stated "if you miss him that much, you can always put a Harry Potter film on." I replied with a "haha" and saying I'd not actually seen all the films so maybe I would. It's now been a full week since that conversation and we've not spoken since.

Anyway, this post has been a lot longer than I intended but I will wrap it up by saying that Tuesday was super hard, Wednesday and Thursday were bearable and come Thursday night, the kids were so happy to have daddy home, they fought over his attention. Vala had him doing a word search with her whilst Flynn screamed "Daddy!" every 3 seconds and brought toys to show him. He got a new one out the toy box each time and showed Jordan one toy at a time. Flynn was so full of energy and kept running and squealing around the room. Neither Jordan or I predicted the kids would react in the way they did. They missed him way more than we realised. As for me, I was just happy to be able to hug him again. After the kids went to bed, we ordered some pizza in and cuddled up on the sofa to watch something. It didn't take long for Jordan to fall asleep on me. For once I didn't mind; I was just happy to have him home.

Now it's Tuesday again and I woke to an empty bed. Jordan is gone for another three days and the kids and I have handled it a lot easier today. Now that we know what to expect, it's easier to cope. Still sad that he is gone but he calls every night to talk to the kids and then at bed time he calls so we can have a one on one chat before we sleep. The phone call is enough to make the nights easier. I felt fine emotionally yesterday but Jordan is still upset about being away. He was a bit down last night. The only reason I didn't get a post out yesterday was because I had a horrible migraine all day that didn't ease up until around 9:30pm. I think this novel of a post has made up for the lack of posts over the past week though and on that note, I will wrap it up. I'll cover some of the tiff in another post, not because I feel the need to name and shame Jordan's mum for anything she said but because some of the things she did say has had quite an effect on me and I just need to get it all off my chest. So...

...until next time,
Alli xo

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