Friday, 3 January 2020

2019's Resolutions

Happy New Year everyone! We're well and truly into 2020 now and it's time for me to do my annual (albeit slightly late) look back over the year and see how many of my new years resolutions I actually kept to. 2019 wasn't much of an improvement on 2018 if I'm being honest. There was nothing majorly life changing for our family, with the exception of the passing of Vala's grandfather Tim back in March. We all got a year older, Vala moved from reception to year one and Jordan finally landed a new job which he starts later this month. Besides that, there really isn't anything notable to mention from 2019. It took me a further 6 months to fully kick the postnatal depression but even now, I still have a lot to work on. But what were the resolutions I set myself for 2019 and how many did I actually complete and/or keep to?

Reduce Debt.

Yeah, I really didn't do this. I actually have more debt than I did this time last year. That is a frustrating fact. However, it actually isn't that much more. All year, I would pay <x> amount off my credit card but then end up needing to use it again and would put most of it back on. I stayed at the same balance for 10 months of the year. It was only during the most expensive time of the year with multiple birthdays and Christmas that the balance increased to what it currently is. Needless to say, I'm not the best with money. That's not entirely accurate but that's what I'll go with. The amount that would go back onto the credit card was slightly less than what I'd paid off it, so if I'd not paid <x> amount off, I'd still have had that money in my account to live off and I wouldn't have needed to rely on a credit card before payday. Not sure if that makes sense or not but long story short, I didn't reduce my debt in 2019 sadly. 

Plan the wedding. 

Should I just start laughing now? Because we definitely did not do this one. Jordan and I started talking about the wedding and even went and looked at suits for him and got prices for flowers and looked at a ceremony venue. However, after exactly one month of actively discussing the wedding and planning things, we decided the timing was still wrong and gave up completely. We haven't discussed the wedding since February and I don't think we'll be planning it any time soon either. 

Lose Weight. 

Another big old nope! Failed that resolution as well, gaining an annoying 5kg in the year. As I mentioned earlier, I still struggled with postnatal depression for the first half of the year and the loss of my father-in-law also saw me increase comfort eating. One of my biggest issues is that I don't have a constructive way to deal with stress, grief and depression and so I always turned to food. It's a terrible way to deal with my negative emotions but in my current mental state, it's the only way I know how to cope. Given recent medical developments, that I mention in previous posts, that fact is going to change this year. We're already making plans to ensure I spend this year getting mentally, emotionally and physically healthy. 

Finish my novel.

Ok so, technically I did but didn't finish my novel. I completed the first draft of it. The story was written from start to finish (with the exception of the prologue and epilogue). But that's as far as I got with it. I struggled to concentrate when it came to editing and none of my alpha readers actually got back to me with their feedback. It became hard to motivate myself and throughout the year, I met some people who drained me of passion for writing and storytelling. As a result, my story still sits as a first draft manuscript, waiting to be worked on again. Maybe in time I will return to it but I have to find my love for writing again. I know it's still there but it's buried under a lot of judgement from other people. 

Establish a self-care routine.

I started a self-care routine and kept it up for the first two months but then when my father-in-law passed away, everything kinda fell apart for a while and we slipped back into the same rut we called home for all of 2018. I had stints throughout the year where I would start trying to take care of myself again but the routine would only last a week; two at best. It was never my intention to not take care of myself but when there is so much weighing on you mentally and emotionally, it's hard to remember that you need proper care as well as everyone else. Last year, I gave too much of myself to other people and sacrificed a lot of my own happiness to ensure everyone else was happy; I definitely neglected myself. This is something I don't want to repeat this year. 

So, those were the five main resolutions I set myself and I didn't complete or stick to any of them! I'm really disappointed in myself for that but I guess there's no time to dwell on that now. I also set myself a few little "goals" that I wasn't fussed about sticking to but would've been nice if I did. What were they and did I do them? Well....

  • Reading more books? - No. I bought heaps of books and didn't read any of them. 
  • Cut back on soft drinks? - Nope! In fact at one point, we were living off soft drink.
  • Attempt my 2018 fitness goals? - Just a straight up nope. 
  • Learn to draw? - I practised for 8 consecutive days then had my confidence taken from me.
  • Keep Journaling and Blogging. - Yes! I write in my journal every night and blog occasionally.
  • Go out more often (especially with Jordan) - Think we went out roughly the same amount. 
So there we have it. None of my news years resolutions accomplished. I am disappointed in myself for this result but I will just use that disappointment to fuel myself to accomplish the new years resolutions I'm setting myself for this year. I will share my 2020 resolutions with you in the next post. Happy New Year everyone, welcome to 2020!

Until next time,
Alli xo

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