Friday, 2 August 2019

Mental health crash.

Hello everyone, I'm going to try and keep this post short today because honestly, I'm not even in the right head space to be writing it but here goes.

Yesterday, I suffered a major downward spiral with my mental stability. How? I spoke to my mum. Now, my mum didn't really say anything to cause the drop in my mood, although she did feel the need to point out that her 88 year old dad is flying from the UK to Aus for my little sisters wedding. She likes to drive that "other people from the UK visit us, why can't you?" knife in whenever the opportunity arises. It stings whenever she does it but it wasn't the main source of my mood drop. No, instead she sent me videos of my family all celebrating my nephews 3rd birthday. It was a kind gesture on her part, trying to involve me in celebrations that happened last week. It hit me really hard though. I never stop missing my family and every time I see videos or photos of them all together, having a good time, I feel sad that I'm not there. However, in one of the videos, my brother is talking and I didn't even recognise his voice. I could hear his Australian accent and his voice sounded completely different to what I remember. I realised that he has become a stranger to me. They all have. The mere fact, I can hear all their accents just goes to show that I've been gone for too long. I started crying and then I didn't stop. I miss my family so much and I'm always feeling homesick. What really hurts is the way everyone back home talks to me; like I don't want to come home to see them. They always come across as annoyed at me because I haven't flown over to visit yet. It really feels like they think I don't want to come back. Of course I do. I'm an extremely family orientated person who left her family behind. When I left, I thought I'd be back again to visit in approx 18 months because that's when my ex promised we'd go back to visit. When I left I didn't think I wouldn't see my family again for 8+ years! That's how long it's been nearly. This October will be 8 years since I left. It's been 2 years since I saw my dad last. 5 years since mum came to visit and 7 years since I last saw my two sisters. I haven't seen my brother since I left Australia. I haven't seen any of my cousins or my Aussie grandad either. Being away from my family for this long has torn open a void in my heart. A void that ever day I try to fill with food and material things to temporarily make me feel a little better. It's why I'm so fat now.

Speaking of fat. I hadn't weighed myself in 3 weeks because I couldn't be bothered and because of the heat and life being a bit hectic, I also didn't keep to the Slimming World plan at all. I still kept active and I didn't eat that bad but today I weighed myself and my heart broke when I saw that somehow I managed to put on 3kg in 3 weeks! I struggled to reach up to a mere 2.5kg in my first 8 weeks and in the space of 3 off weeks, I put 3kg on. Sandwiches and Ice-cream will have been the major culprits. With it being so warm, I didn't want to cook in the kitchen at all so we've been pretty much living off sandwiches and ice-cream. We've had a few take outs as well, because we didn't want to cook in the heat. I honestly thought I'd be back to my starting weight when I stood on the scales today; I didn't think i'd be 1.1kg heavier than my starting weight. I'm now officially the heaviest weight I have ever been. In the last two weeks before I went off plan for the 3 weeks, I gained collectively 0.5kg. That means in the 3 weeks I was off Slimming World completely, I gained 3.1kg. So that new information, on top of how broken I felt yesterday, my mental health has just crashed. Like, honestly I can't even put into words how I feel right now. My heart feels broken, I feel dead inside and there's 100 different negative voices screaming in my head right now. Screaming things like "we knew you'd fail." "You're the biggest failure in the world." "You're such a disappointment to yourself and your family." "It's a good thing you can't go home because look at you, think your family wants to see how gross you are now." etc etc. There is a flicker of flame inside of me that's wanting to push through this and fight; to lose the weight again. However, to use a metaphor here, I feel as though someone has put a glass over a lit candle and that flame is slowly fading as the oxygen is being starved from the space around it. The glass is my mental barrier and if it doesn't get removed soon, I worry my flame will die out completely. Basically what I'm saying is, I've not given up yet but my will, my strength, my hope....it's fading fast and I barely have much fight left in me. I wanted to use this time to go hard and knuckle down but instead I just failed...again. Here's hoping things get better soon. Unrelated, but to prove I have kept active, my July Race At Your Pace medal arrived yesterday. I recorded 85 miles of my 50 mile challenge. I stop recording around July 25th so I probably did closer to 100 miles last month. I guess I just didn't walk enough.

Until next time,
Alli xo

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