Saturday, 31 August 2019

Journaling - 1 Year On.

Hello everyone! Just wanted to give you a little post today to make up for the lack of one the other week. I try and put out 4 posts a week which leaves me with an expected amount each month, I'm currently standing at one short of what I should've put out this month and as tomorrow is September, I wanted to rectify the situation.

So as some of you may know, I started journaling to help me deal with my postnatal depression. I write in my journal every single night before bed. This week I hit my 365th consecutive journal entry. That's right, I have been journaling for an entire year now. Crazy! I couldn't believe it and I'm the one who's been writing in it all this time. Hitting 1 year made me stop and reflect on the impact it's had on me. Well, for one, it's definitely become a habit and part of my bed time routine now. I didn't miss an entry even when drunk off my head or staying away from home in Manchester. A feat I'm quite proud of.

However the biggest and most notable thing about my journaling is that it did exactly what it was supposed to do; help me with my postnatal depression. I am definitely 100% out of that dark pit that was PND and now I'm just dealing with the aftermath of it; aka my weight issues. When I first started my journal, I didn't think it would help me recover at all but I was wrong. The more i wrote, the less depressed the posts got. The mood and tone of the posts steadily improved with each passing month. Now I never write about how much I hate myself and think I'm a terrible mother/wife(-to-be). I'm out of those dark woods and write about how I'm working on getting my life back. I write about my plans to return to uni and my struggles with losing weight and our plans for the future. I definitely feel that journaling helped me a lot more than I ever thought it would. The difference in my entries now compared to a year ago are night and day. Journaling was like a silent supporter or an unseen therapist. It's helped me a lot and I don't plan on giving it up any time soon.

I highly recommend journaling to anyone and everyone. It such a simple therapeutic activity that literally anyone can do. I'm so glad I gave it a go.

Until next time,
Alli xo

Friday, 30 August 2019

Pups and Confetti

Happy Friday everyone! We're almost at the end of the school holidays and I for one am both happy and sad about that fact. Happy because I'm definitely ready for Vala to be back at school and to get back into a routine again but sad because we have had a lot of fun these holidays and we won't be taking as many big adventures once school is back. But, with the end of the holidays mere days away, I made sure to plan a couple more activities for us all, including taking the kids to meet two pawsome pups.

Jordan was back at work sadly so it was just the kids and I heading into town to meet Chase and Marshall from the Paw Patrol! Vala has loved Paw Patrol for years but Flynn has very recently been showing a lot more interest in the show. This was his first time meeting suit characters and I wasn't sure how he'd react. I was worried the giant pups might scare him a little but thankfully, it was the complete opposite. He screamed and pulled away from me in order to get to the pups. He didn't want to wait his turn, he wanted to go now! We met Chase first and when it was our turn, Flynn ran over and stopped dead in front of him, looking up at him. The woman carer turned him around for a photo and Flynn backed up and sat himself down on Chase's foot. It was too cute! After Chase, we waited 30 minutes to meet Marshall and Flynn did the same thing, only this time he didn't hesitate. He ran right over to Marshall and perched himself on the pups foot. Almost like he knew that was what he was supposed to do. Both kids high fived the pups as we left and then went and participated in the Pup Pup Boogie until we moved onto to something else we've done before...

...The Confetti Room! It closes tomorrow and I wanted to try and get the kids in one last time so we sneakily managed to take one of the last walk in slots. I felt a little bad about it but I didn't know how many walk in slots they had left until afterwards. Besides, the kids had queued for over an hour to meet the Paw Patrol pups and they deserved to have a bit of fun. Flynn of course didn't hesitate the moment he saw the confetti and rolled around it. Vala made confetti angels and some random little girl proceeded to throw bucket loads of confetti all over me for the fun of it. After 15 minutes, our session was over and on Vala's request, we had Subway for lunch. Whilst there, she needed the toilet and when we got in there and she removed her jumpsuit to use the toilet, tonnes of confetti fell out all over the floor. It was almost as if she'd farted confetti it was hilarious. To make it even funnier, the hand dryer blew the confetti everywhere and we ended up leaving the toilet looking like a circus parade had just gone through it. It certainly brightened up the dull and kinda gross toilet.

After lunch we made our way home and Flynn fell asleep on the bus. He wasnt the only one tuckered out though. Once home all three of us had naps. It was a fun afternoon and seeing my kids so happy, made me happy. Going out shortly to a new park and then tomorrow we've got my friend coming to visit, so we've got a couple more things to look forward to before school goes back.

Until next time,
Alli xo

Wednesday, 28 August 2019

Monthly Challenge: August

Another month has reached it's end and with the end of this month, also comes the end of the school holidays (almost). I had set myself a challenge to accomplish these holidays and sadly, I didn't even get close. I had really hoped to get myself into a healthy routine in regards to sleep, diet and exercise but I am no better now than I was before the school break.

I thought with Vala away, I'd have plenty of time to reset my body clock and start going to bed at a decent time. I'd hoped to make a dent into becoming a morning person so I could start getting up naturally around 7am, having a healthy breakfast and actually maintaining a beauty routine (washing face, moisturising, putting on make-up etc). It didn't happen though. I also wanted to go swimming with Flynn twice a week while Vala was away but I didn't do that either. In my defence though, the second week Aunt Flow arrived so even if I had all the motivation in the world, I still wouldn't have gone swimming. The first week though, I had just wanted to relaxed and give my body some much needed rest. That's when I started my 100 Baby Challenge in the Sims 4.

So I wasn't getting up at 7am, I wasn't eating properly and I certainly didn't have a beauty routine to even maintain but what about my exercise? At first, I wasn't any better with that but then last week we were kept so busy that I was always on my feet, walking around. I was racking up the miles for my Race at your Pace 65 mile walking challenge. I wouldn't say it was a routine though. So all in all, I didn't do anything that I said I would do this month and I am disappointed in myself for that. I had hoped to better myself but I'm exactly the same as last month. I'll get it right eventually I guess, it's just a matter of when?

Until next time,
Alli xo

Monday, 26 August 2019

Baby Logan

Good evening all! Super late post this evening, which I am sorry about but I did nearly forget what day it was. I'm going to blame the 30°c heat we've had today. We spent all of today just trying to keep cool and I totally forgot it was Monday.

I'll keep this post short but on Saturday we took a trip to visit our friends Ian and Natalie and their 6 week old son Logan. Little Logan was so much cuter in person, the photos I've seen of him do not do him justice. Aside from my own kids, he is probably one of the cutest babies I've ever seen! He was so alert when we got there and just took the whole world in. He was so calm and content, only really grizzling when he got hungry. I got to enjoy quite a few lovely cuddles with him and during my first cuddle, he even fell asleep in my arms as I stroked his hand with my thumb. It was so precious. He is so precious. Honestly, I was surprised holding him didn't make me broody at all. I think it affirmed that I'm not yet ready for baby number three. I do want another but very clearly I don't want them yet.

It was really nice to catch up with Ian and Nat again and to have a meal with them. They appear to have settled into their new parenting roles quite well. Ian was so natural with Logan and Nat has mastered the multitasking aspect of parenting. They are still adjusting but from what we saw, they doing great and are wonderful parents. Only downside to our trip was we accidentally left our changing bag at theirs and as they live two hours away, we couldn't just go back and get it. We're gonna have to arrange another weekend when Jordan's not working and they're free to go visit again and get the bag. Totally worth it though for more Logan cuddles!

I'll try and get Wednesdays post out on time but....

...Until next time,
Alli xo
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Sunday, 25 August 2019

Saturday, 24 August 2019

100 Baby Challenge (Update)

Hey everyone, happy Saturday! Hope you're all in for fun and/or relaxing weekends! Just a teeny tiny short bonus post today to make up for one of the ones I missed last week. I thought I'd update you on the progress of last months 'Monthly Challenge'; the 100 Baby Challenge in the Sims 4.

Honestly, I did not think it would take this long to reach 100 babies considering I'm using cheats and my matriarch is only making babies with one man instead of 100 different men but I'm still not at 100 babies yet. I am currently standing at a total of 76! This week has been so busy that I've been too tried at night to actually play the Sims, so that has really slowed progress down. The other thing that has slowed progress down is the fact that I sometimes go and play with a different family. Usually one of my matriarch's grown up kids to be exact. I need a break from mass breeding Addison and so every so often, I'll choose one of her children to marry off, get a job and have family of their own. Addison and Cairo now have 10 grandchildren; 2 of which are aliens! I honestly do enjoy things more when I'm not rushing to pump babies out. If I didn't play any other families and I continued to play every night, I probably would have hit 100 babies a while ago but it is what it. Jordan is back at work next week so things will settle down in the lead up to school returning. I probably won't be as tired at nights and I reckon I'll get the last 24 babies out before school starts back. I look forward to actually reporting back when I've FINALLY completed this challenge. It's been pointless, but fun.

Until next time,
Alli xo

Friday, 23 August 2019

Beach Fun

Hey-ho, it's Friday! The weekend is tantalisingly close now. I hope the week has treated you all well. As the title tells you, yesterday we did end up going to the beach instead of the Ice-Cream farm as the weather was shaping up to be almost perfect.

By almost perfect, the weather was warm and mostly sunny but there was quite a bit of wind. Everything kept blowing over but ultimately, it didn't dampen our moods. Vala's already been to the beach once these holidays so she was just happy to go again, Flynn however, this was his first ever time at a beach. The look of amazement on his face and his shrieks of excitement as we reached the top of the hill, looking down on the beach, were too cute. We let him out the stroller as we reached the sand and literally, the first thing he did was lay down in it and roll around. He kept grabbing the sand and playing with it, laughing and smiling from ear to ear. He was totally in his element with the huge area to run around in and the sand to play, roll and dig in. We dug a hole and he climbed in it. We built sandcastles and he stomped on them. Smiling the whole time. He was so happy. I didn't think anything would make him happier until I took him to the water. He is water obsessed and even though the ocean was quite chilly, it didn't stop him throwing himself in. He splashed and kicked and sat in the sea. He was shivering but refused to get out. He stayed in the water for half an hour before we were finally able to coax him out with food. I spent the first 20 minutes in the water with him and Vala. Whilst he splashed, Vala and I collected shells to decorate sandcastles with. Eventually, Jordan and I switched places though and he spent the next 10 minutes trying to get Flynn to come get warm.

We came prepared this time, with snacks abound! After our paddle in the sea, we wrapped Flynn up in a blanket, cuddled up to me and enjoyed something to eat. After that we got back to building sandcastles and decorating them with the shells Vala and I collected. We found so many and even kept a couple of the prettiest ones. I'm thinking about maybe getting a small glass jar/bottle to put the smalls shells into for Vala to have a keepsake of our day. Honestly, I think collecting the shells with Vala was my favourite part of the whole day. It was so much fun. It was something so simple that we could both do but finding all the different types of shells and seeing the pretty colours and patterns on them just made us both happy. I even found a full size oyster shell! The biggest downside, for me, was my weight. I still had a great day but every time I tried to get more involved with something, my weight held me back. I loved looking for shells but struggled to bend down to pick them up. I found sitting on the sand uncomfortable in most positions so helping build the sandcastles ended up being more difficult for me than it should've been. I even struggled with digging the hole once it reached a certain depth. It was upsetting me because even though I wasn't thinking about my weight, my weight was a prominent issue that I couldn't ignore. I did cry about it once we got back to the car sadly. It's good though because struggling like I did just gives me more motivation to work harder at my diet.
A diet that I ignored completely yesterday. We were at the beach, of course we went and had fish n chips. Although, I had chicken nuggets and chips because I don't like fish. Flynn force fed Jordan more chips than he ate himself and Vala was only interested in having ice-cream so getting her to eat her dinner was a real struggle too. We got there in the end though.

My weight aside, I had a great time yesterday; we all did. The kids tuckered themselves right out and Flynn was asleep in the car within 10 minutes of setting off. I wish we didn't live 2 hours away from the beach because I'd love to be able to take the kids more often. Going once every summer isn't enough but a 4 hour round trip means a visit to the beach has to be an all-day thing rather than just an hour of two for some fun. We've already done quite a bit of travelling these holidays (Dropping off/Picking up Vala, visiting family in Manchester, the beach yesterday) and we've still got a bit to go. Tomorrow we're off to visit our friends who live 2 hours south of us. We're finally going to meet baby Logan and we can't wait! Look out for the post about how that trip goes, on Monday.

Until next time,
Alli xo

Thursday, 22 August 2019


Hey everyone, I know today is my normal post day but I missed a whole week of posts last week, so I kinda want to try and make them up when I can. This will be a short post though because I want to talk about Vlogging.

I have been watching a few family vloggers lately and honestly, I have been considering starting a family vlog channel of my own. I discussed the idea with Jordan and he was all for it as well. We've got a channel name but that's as far as we've gotten so far. We'd need to get a lot of things sorted like channel art, channel description, maybe an intro and outro for our videos etc and we've not done any of that yet. That's mainly because we've been so busy these school holidays but that's also where I feel we've already failed. We have had so much on these holidays that we had plenty of content to film/make. I wanted to get the channel up and running before Vala returned from her trip away, so that we could record/vlog our trip to Manchester and to the confetti room and the beach etc. But we didn't get it done and didn't record much while doing all of those things. I think one of the reasons we didn't record much was because we don't have the right equipment for vlogging. We'd be using my phone and the film quality wouldn't be great. I don't have a tripod for my phone and the audio would be very poor and even too noisy in some places. Jordan and I have been weighing up the idea of vlogging for about a month now and have decided that IF we do go ahead with it, we want to do it properly; all or nothing so to speak. If we do it, we'll get a proper camera to vlog with. One with better sound and picture quality than our phones and definitely one with a tripod. We currently have our eyes set on two vlogger kits (pictured) that we've seen but it neither are cheap. I can get either of them on Littlewoods and pay for it with monthly instalments so it won't be as bad for us financially but at the same time, because it is so much money, monthly payments or not, we have to be sure that we'd get tonnes of use out of it and actually use it for the reason we bought it. For that reason, we're still in the undecided stage and weighing everything up. I'll keep you posted about whether or not we go ahead with our vlog channel and I'll post a link to it if and when we get it running.

As I said, short post today to make up for one of the absent posts last week. I really want to start a vlog channel but guess we'll wait and see.

Until next time,
Alli xo

Wednesday, 21 August 2019

Confetti Madness.

Happy hump day everyone. Hope you're all doing well. hope the week is treating you well. We've had a productive and fun week so far, walked over 10 miles in two days and now we're off for yet another family adventure today. Full disclosure, I'm writing this post at 10pm Tuesday night and that is just because we are heading out early today. As to where we're going, that's undecided at the time of writing this. We're supposed to be going to the beach but we've had mixed weather reports. One says there's a 57% chance it's going to rain and another that says it isn't going to rain at all. So we're deciding in the morning. If we don't go to the beach, we'll be going to The Ice-Cream Farm in Chester instead. Either way, I should have a post out on Friday detailing the fun we had today.

Today's post however, is about the fun and eventful day we had on Monday. We had a slow start to the day but come 1:30pm, we were ankles deep in confetti. Jordan and I took the kids to the Confetti Room in town and we had so much fun. Flynn got so excited the moment he saw the room that he tried desperately to get in and he did not want to wait for our session. Once in there he squealed his little head off and literally rolled around in the confetti. Vala filled buckets with the confetti and had a blast tipping them all over Jordan, Flynn and myself. We were covered from head to toe. Flynn had them down his shirt and in his pants, Vala and I had them in our hair and Jordan had a hood full. We took so many photos in there and quite a few videos and genuinely had a great time. It's funny to think that something as simple as thousands of small pieces of tissue paper, blowing around a room thanks to 6 small fans, could provide so much joy and entertainment. The biggest down point is the fact each session is only 15 minutes long. The kids definitely could have stayed in that small room for well over and hour. Heck, I honestly could imagine them staying in there for a whole two hours if they'd eaten and empty their bladders before we got in there. Honestly, I didn't want to leave at the end of our session either. Seeing the kids have that much fun, makes me feel so happy. It was the second time that Vala and I had been in there but Jordan and Flynn's first. Not sure we'll get chance to get all four of us in there again before it closes for good in ten days but I would definitely like to get Flynn in there at least one more time. He loved it so much.

After the Confetti Room, something pretty big happened. Big and totally unplanned for. Next to the Confetti Room is a Claire's accessory store and there was a woman doing ear piercings at the entrance. Vala saw this and asked to have her ears pierced. I thought she was only asking because she saw another little girl getting hers done but it also isn't the first time she'd asked to have them done. Jordan, her dad on a video call and myself all had long talks with her to determine if she was 100% sure that she wanted to get it done. She said she was. I made her watch three other girls that were in the line before her and two of those three cried and screamed a little. I honestly thought that would be enough to put Vala off but when it was her turn, she sat in the chair with a nervous smile on her face. Rebecca, the woman doing the piercings, was absolutely wonderful with Vala. She made her laugh, totally relaxed her and made the whole experience fun and stress-free. I held Vala's hands and made funny faces at her as Rebecca and another employee pierced Vala's ears. I honestly thought she was going to scream and burst into tears but she barely even flinched and not a single tear was shed. Her eyes didn't even water; she was so brave! I was ecstatic seeing how well she did. I had the biggest smile on my face and praised her endlessly. She was beaming with pride and couldn't wait to see her new pretty pink sparkly earrings in her ears. She was given a lollipop and a cardboard tiara as well and basically, her day was made. She loves her earrings and loved showing them off to everyone she could. I thought seeing her with earrings in would be weird and something I'd have to get used to but seriously, they look so normal on her that I feel like she's had her ears pierced for a lot longer than just two days. Of course now I have the fun task of cleaning them multiple times a day but this is what she wanted. I thought about implementing my mums rule of no ear piercings until you're ten but honestly, I feel like Vala is already of the age where she knows what she wants and can make decisions about her own life. If she told me she wanted to start dancing or to stop swimming, we'd listen and let her do either of those things, so why should something like getting her ears pierced be any different? We made sure that she was 100% before we let her go through with it and at the end of the day, she's really happy with them and that makes me happy. They do really suit her too.

So that was our Monday. We did also go to my best friends new house for dinner that night. It was so relaxing and really just the perfect ending to an already great day. Yesterday we went for a long 7 mile family walk and had some lunch together and did a teeny bit of shopping and whilst we all came home sore, that was a fun day too. This week has been great and I know we're going to have a great day today and tomorrow Jordan has a job interview so hopefully there are more good things to come. This week has just been great and we're only half way through it. Here's to the rest of the week!

Until next time,
Alli xo

Monday, 19 August 2019

Manchester Trip.

Happy Monday everyone! Hope you're all doing well. Hope you had great weekend as well. We definitely had a great weekend and that's because we travelled out to visit my aunt and uncle who live in Manchester.

I've not seen my aunt, uncle and two cousins in over two years; I was 14 weeks pregnant with Flynn the last time I saw them, so a lot has changed in that time. Obviously, I'd had Flynn and they were yet to meet him but also, my cousin Stef has recently given birth to her first bubba. Little Edward, or Eddie as he is called, is 8 weeks now and an absolute chunk with a wild head of hair that literally wont stay down; it's incredible and so soft and fluffy. I got to enjoy some wonderful cuddles with him and he even fell asleep on me which came as a shock to my cousin as apparently he rarely falls asleep on anyone who isn't mum or dad. What can I say? I have a way with babies haha.

Aside from meeting little Eddie, we actually spent the night at my aunt and uncles. We arrived Saturday afternoon and got home yesterday evening. It was surreal for us because we realised it was the first we'd ever stayed over anywhere as a family. Jordan and I have crashed places before but never with the kids and not since Flynn was born. We were all packed into one bedroom with Jordan and I in a super comfy double bed, Vala on a blow up bed on the floor and Flynn in his new travel cot (bought specifically for this trip). It felt weird staying over but also really nice. We all felt very comfortable and very at home there but admittedly I was feeling a tad more self-conscious about my weight than normal; especially about my bingo wing arms. Despite my personal insecurities, I had a great time. The kids and Jordan had a great time too and my aunt and uncle apparently loved having us. They couldn't get over how much Vala had grown and changed since they last saw her and they absolutely fell in love with Flynn. He's a charmer and he definitely had them wrapped around his little fingers.

All in all, it was a very relaxing and enjoyable weekend staying with my relatives and we've promised not to let another 2 years go by between visits. I do hope we get to go back and visit soon but with everyone's chaotic schedules, I think it'll probably be Eddie's first birthday before we get over there again. Will  definitely be worth it though, to have more of the fun times we experienced this weekend.

Until next time,
Alli xo
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Sunday, 18 August 2019

Friday, 16 August 2019

Hospital Trip

Apparently it's Friday today! Honestly, I've been losing track of the days having everyone at home. Hard to believe Jordan's been off for a week already! Yesterday was supposed to be a nice day and we were going to take the kids to the beach and today's post was going to be on our trip but two things changed those plans.

Firstly, the weather; it was very wet and very miserable. However, the biggest reason (as if it raining all day wasn't enough of reason not to go to the beach) was that we'd spent Wednesday evening in the childrens A&E department with Flynn. I'll go into detail in a second, but basically the ordeal zapped Jordan and I of so much energy that yesterday we were both completely zonked and needed to recover.

So what happened to our little man that resulted in a trip to hospital? Honestly, we have no idea. Earlier in the day, around 2:30pm (ish), he'd slipped on a toy on the living room floor and bumped his head on the coffee table. The bump sounded bad but there was no mark, no bruise, no bleeding and not even a lump. He cried for about a minute and then got back up and happily played with Vala like nothing had happened. We dismissed the bump after that because it seemed like it was nothing. Fast forward to 4pm and Flynn was getting cranky because he hadn't napped. So we put him down for a nap and 40 minutes later, everything went south.

Flynn woke very suddenly and was screaming/crying at the top of his lungs. At first we assumed he had a bad dream and tried to comfort him. However, after 5 minutes he still hadn't calmed down and the crying had gotten worse. He was in full tantrum mode. He was throwing himself all over the place, arching his back, going stiff and fighting his way out of our arms. We laid him on our bed and he writhered around screaming, almost like he was in pain. He kept holding his breath (not inhaling) until he was red with shades of purple in the face and then he'd inhale sharply and start hyperventilating. It was scary. He kept trying to soothe himself by sucking his thumb and drifting off to sleep again but within 30 seconds, he'd start screaming again and rolling around with his body stiff. It looked like he was in a lot of pain but we couldn't see anything wrong. This went on for a total of 20 minutes before I noticed his eyes were trying to roll back in his head and I got Jordan to call 111. 20 minutes after the call (40 minutes of screaming), paramedics arrived to check him over in case the bump on his head and caused internal problems. He passed their checks but he was still inconsolable. Because of his age, they informed us he had to be taken to hospital for a second opinion. So at 6pm, over an hour after the screaming first started, we were loaded into the ambulance and on our way to hospital. Flynn calmed down half way to hospital and suddenly our happy, talkative, playful toddler was back again. He was absolutely fine by the time we got into the waiting room. Second opinion found nothing wrong and we finally got home around 9:15pm.

The ordeal was too much for Jordan, who cried with Flynn at one point. He was exhausted and passed out in his chair at 9:30pm. It was a completely bizarre and very surreal situation and since then a few people have floated the idea of Flynn's behaviour being caused by night terrors. He's never had night terrors before and neither Jordan or I have any experience with night terrors, so we're educating ourselves on them in case that was the cause and it ever happens again. It wasn't a pleasant experience and it left us drained for a good 24 hours. So, even if the weather had been nice, we probably would've postponed the beach trip anyway because we all needed some rest.

Hoping the weather is nice next week so we can still take the kids to the beach while Jordan is off. Fingers crossed for a nicer week, next week.

Until next time
Alli xo

Wednesday, 14 August 2019

Sorting my future

What a wet Wednesday we are having here. Sorry, couldn't resist the opportunity for an alliteration. I like alliteration. But in all seriousness, it is very wet, grey and miserable outside today so we're keeping warm and dry inside. Staying home has given me time to sort some stuff out for my near future.

First, I had my nuisance follow up call from my "work coach" at Universal Credit. Seriously, I cannot wait to get off this system! Basically, the work coach was just checking in to see if I'd done what she told me to do back in May. You can see the details of that conversation in my 'Feeling Controlled' blog post. Anyway, I informed her that I now plan on doing full time study next instead of part-time and thankfully she didn't try and talk me into doing anything else. She just explained what will happen financially when I start studying. She was actually very helpful and I feel more confident about studying now. She did ask if I'd considered childcare for Flynn, tp which I said I wanted to be home with him and she was very supportive of that, which was a welcome surprise. She even went as far to say that it's my life and they don't want to push me to do something that I don't want to do. That statement really surprised me!

So I got that phone call out of the way and then looked at what documentation I needed for student finance and of course it's a British passport (which I don't have) or my birth certificate (which I don't have). I got my learners permit in order to apply for my birth certificate which I plan to do next month (this month is already expensive enough). I am planning on getting my British passport too though. For that though, I need both my birth certificate as well as my mums. So today, I ordered a copy of my mums birth certificate and once I have my birth certificate, I'll apply for my British passport. Then I'll have all the important documents I'll ever need. My drivers license, my birth certificate, my Australian passport, my British passport as well as my mums birth certificate (just in case).

Feeling good today about getting all this sorted. Just another step ticked off. Who knew getting organised could be so enjoyable? Oh no, I'm turning into Monica from Friends!

Until next time,
Alli xo

Monday, 12 August 2019

Vala's home!!!

Happy Monday everyone! I am very sorry for the lack of posts last week, I kinda just wanted to take a break from everything and just have a little bit of me time. I pretty much just rested up, did some adulting (got housework done) and gamed a little as well. I'll try and make up a few posts for you but until then....

...Vala's home!!! That's right, we got our beautiful Vala Bug home on Saturday evening and I made sure to get in plenty of cuddles. The week she was away at her dads, he made her video call us every day and she always seemed kinda sad. She was usually in her pjs with unbrushed hair and she'd tell us she'd been playing video games. She never seemed her usual bubbly self. She always told us she missed us too. The second week she was away, she stayed with her Nanna and we didn't hear from her once. She never called but her Nanna messaged me every couple of days to tell me how she was and to share some photos with me. Yesterdays photo (and the one featured here) was taken by her Nanna at a petting zoo. Vala had so much fun with her Nanna, uncles, aunts and cousins. She was happy and was kept so busy that she didn't feel the need to call us. She talked about us a lot  though apparently. I missed her but didn't need her to call because I knew it meant she was happy and having a great time.

I was a little upset to hear that Vala wasn't in the best condition when her Nanna picked her up from her dads though. Apparently, she was "a little bit manky" and she had a shower soon after getting to her Nanna's. Her clothes hadn't been washed either and were scrunched up and shoved into her bag. They were dirty, smelly and "manky" and all had to be washed upon arrival at her Nanna's. She ended up borrowing some of her cousins clothes until hers were clean and dry. Good thing she has a cousin who's only 3 months older than her and wears the same size clothes. I was disappointed that it appeared she'd not had a good time at her dads. She says she did but said she didn't do anything while at his and her calling every time would suggest she was bored and homesick. Plus the manky condition she apparently was in, also makes me a little angry. I'm glad that she went to her dads first and got to end her trip away on a massive high rather than having a great week at her Nanna's and then ending her trip feeling bored and low at her dads doing nothing.

Either way, she's home now and we've got a lot of fun lined up over the next few weeks and I'm excited to have this family time. Jordan's off for 2 weeks so this is gonna be great!

Until next time,
Alli xo

Sunday, 11 August 2019

Sunday, 4 August 2019

Friday, 2 August 2019

Mental health crash.

Hello everyone, I'm going to try and keep this post short today because honestly, I'm not even in the right head space to be writing it but here goes.

Yesterday, I suffered a major downward spiral with my mental stability. How? I spoke to my mum. Now, my mum didn't really say anything to cause the drop in my mood, although she did feel the need to point out that her 88 year old dad is flying from the UK to Aus for my little sisters wedding. She likes to drive that "other people from the UK visit us, why can't you?" knife in whenever the opportunity arises. It stings whenever she does it but it wasn't the main source of my mood drop. No, instead she sent me videos of my family all celebrating my nephews 3rd birthday. It was a kind gesture on her part, trying to involve me in celebrations that happened last week. It hit me really hard though. I never stop missing my family and every time I see videos or photos of them all together, having a good time, I feel sad that I'm not there. However, in one of the videos, my brother is talking and I didn't even recognise his voice. I could hear his Australian accent and his voice sounded completely different to what I remember. I realised that he has become a stranger to me. They all have. The mere fact, I can hear all their accents just goes to show that I've been gone for too long. I started crying and then I didn't stop. I miss my family so much and I'm always feeling homesick. What really hurts is the way everyone back home talks to me; like I don't want to come home to see them. They always come across as annoyed at me because I haven't flown over to visit yet. It really feels like they think I don't want to come back. Of course I do. I'm an extremely family orientated person who left her family behind. When I left, I thought I'd be back again to visit in approx 18 months because that's when my ex promised we'd go back to visit. When I left I didn't think I wouldn't see my family again for 8+ years! That's how long it's been nearly. This October will be 8 years since I left. It's been 2 years since I saw my dad last. 5 years since mum came to visit and 7 years since I last saw my two sisters. I haven't seen my brother since I left Australia. I haven't seen any of my cousins or my Aussie grandad either. Being away from my family for this long has torn open a void in my heart. A void that ever day I try to fill with food and material things to temporarily make me feel a little better. It's why I'm so fat now.

Speaking of fat. I hadn't weighed myself in 3 weeks because I couldn't be bothered and because of the heat and life being a bit hectic, I also didn't keep to the Slimming World plan at all. I still kept active and I didn't eat that bad but today I weighed myself and my heart broke when I saw that somehow I managed to put on 3kg in 3 weeks! I struggled to reach up to a mere 2.5kg in my first 8 weeks and in the space of 3 off weeks, I put 3kg on. Sandwiches and Ice-cream will have been the major culprits. With it being so warm, I didn't want to cook in the kitchen at all so we've been pretty much living off sandwiches and ice-cream. We've had a few take outs as well, because we didn't want to cook in the heat. I honestly thought I'd be back to my starting weight when I stood on the scales today; I didn't think i'd be 1.1kg heavier than my starting weight. I'm now officially the heaviest weight I have ever been. In the last two weeks before I went off plan for the 3 weeks, I gained collectively 0.5kg. That means in the 3 weeks I was off Slimming World completely, I gained 3.1kg. So that new information, on top of how broken I felt yesterday, my mental health has just crashed. Like, honestly I can't even put into words how I feel right now. My heart feels broken, I feel dead inside and there's 100 different negative voices screaming in my head right now. Screaming things like "we knew you'd fail." "You're the biggest failure in the world." "You're such a disappointment to yourself and your family." "It's a good thing you can't go home because look at you, think your family wants to see how gross you are now." etc etc. There is a flicker of flame inside of me that's wanting to push through this and fight; to lose the weight again. However, to use a metaphor here, I feel as though someone has put a glass over a lit candle and that flame is slowly fading as the oxygen is being starved from the space around it. The glass is my mental barrier and if it doesn't get removed soon, I worry my flame will die out completely. Basically what I'm saying is, I've not given up yet but my will, my strength, my's fading fast and I barely have much fight left in me. I wanted to use this time to go hard and knuckle down but instead I just failed...again. Here's hoping things get better soon. Unrelated, but to prove I have kept active, my July Race At Your Pace medal arrived yesterday. I recorded 85 miles of my 50 mile challenge. I stop recording around July 25th so I probably did closer to 100 miles last month. I guess I just didn't walk enough.

Until next time,
Alli xo