Friday, 19 July 2019


It's Friday! Friday! Gotta get down on Friday! Remember how bad that song was? Yet, we all still think of it whenever someone mentions it's the last day of the working week (for some). It still pops into my head most Friday's if I'm totally honest. We've got a bit of a jam-packed weekend ahead of us with Vala having both swimming lessons and a birthday party tomorrow, my best friend staying with us all weekend and probably a family outing on Sunday. Better be kept busy than to sit around the house bored all weekend though. Despite all that fun we've got ahead of us, I am also planning on squeezing in some "self-help me time".

Last post I mentioned that I have some deep-rooted psychological issues that are causing me to sabotage my efforts and preventing me from moving forward. I also said that ideally, I should go to a therapist but that the practicality of doing that causes quite a few stresses. That is primarily because of the kids. Obviously, I can't take them into the sessions with me so I would need someone to watch them. Some days Vala might be at school, but depending on session times, it could clash with school pick up. I would need someone who could watch the kids and that's the problem because we have limited people who could watch them and all those people, have full time jobs. Jordan's mum works 12 hour shifts, his step-dad works 2 hours away and even Jordan's irregular shifts are so hard to swap, he totally missed my birthday last year because he couldn't get a shift change. We have looked at options but as I know from past experience with my ex, CBT sessions are rarely ever at the same time on the same day each week. My ex also had no control over when his sessions were, they were simply when his therapist could fit him in. So I'd have maybe less than a week to try and get family to change shifts or whatever so they could babysit. Again, some of you are probably thinking "why not just get childcare" and two main reasons: Money and Vala. I'm not even going to pretend we're well off financially, so childcare would just be adding another cost onto our bills. We almost live month to month as it is. I'm lucky enough to be able to put aside £100 into savings each month, childcare would take that saving away and we would be living month to month. This is one reason why Jordan is looking for better paying work. Secondly, of course would be Vala. If my session was 3pm-4pm, obviously that is going to cause issues with the school pick up and I would need to arrange someone to go collect her. Basically asking people to switch their shifts again. It's just complicated and stressful and honestly not an option for me at this time.

Having said and explained all that, I have still been looking at my options. I have been looking at online CBT which allows me to correspond with a therapist either via e-mails or phone appointments and they give me worksheets to do each week. That has been a little frustrating because it seems different places in UK have different online services. As I said last post, I found a great one which I do all online and can have one on one time with a therapist any time I want; but it wasn't available in my area. There is one available in my area but they still want you to actually come in for sessions. If I could easily do that, I wouldn't be looking into online CBT in the first place. I'm still looking though and in the meantime, I have picked up this book titled 'The Little CBT Workbook". It was recommended for people who are waiting to start CBT and for those who have recently finished it. The reviews I read for it were pretty good so I ordered it and it arrived yesterday. As per the books instructions, I am reading it slowly. Sometimes reading certain parts multiple times. I've also done two of the exercises in it so far. I'm taking my time with it and I'm taking it seriously. I know it's not going to "cure" me or fix all my problems but it's me actively trying to take a step in the right direction. There's no point sitting in the mud while I wait for the right time to seek therapy to come along. This is simply the first step of many; hundreds even. I know it is a long road ahead of me and I can't possibly do it all on my own but at least I'm proving to myself and the people around me that I do want to get better; I do want to change. Jordan's very proud of me for picking the book up and for how honest I was in the exercises. It's only been one day but honestly, I woke up today feeling more positive than I normally do. I know it's because I'm actively taking steps now. Just taking that first step, no matter how small it might be, has been enough to make me feel remotely good about myself today. I know deep down, that I'm going to get better. There's a fire burning inside me today and I'm gonna keep fanning it to keep it alive.

Until next time,
Alli xo


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