Wednesday, 17 July 2019

Brain Farts

Happy hump day ladies, gents and individuals of the internet! I hope the week is treating you well. The weekend is fast approaching, we just need to hold out a few more days. Now, I'll be totally honest, actually sitting down to write this post today has been harder than it should be due to a series of brain farts I seem to be having lately - and they're affecting multiple aspects of my life.

If you were to ask me what I really want to achieve right now, I'd tell you that I want to lose weight and finish my novel. They are the two biggest things I want to accomplish. However, I keep sabotaging my weight-loss and I keep putting off working on my novel and it's been frustrating me because I don't know why.

Recently, while reading the latest issue of Slimming World magazine, I read about a woman who identified an underlying, deep-rooted psychological issue that was the cause of her weight-gain and also the reason she wasn't losing weight. That got me thinking, what is my under-lying issue? Why do I keep sabotaging my weigh-loss efforts? Why is it so much harder for me to stick to a single, easy to follow plan, compared to others on the same journey? I started trying to find methods of self-help to try and get to some sort of resolution. Ideally, I should go to a therapist and undertake CBT but there's a whole of stresses that comes with that, so to start I was hoping to find online CBT that I could do myself. I did find something that would have been perfect but unfortunately it's only available to people living in a very specific place in the UK, which evidently, I don't live in. I've not managed to find something that works for me yet but I'm still looking. In the meantime, things like working out, eating better and working on my novel have become a lot harder. It's almost like the moment I came to the conclusion, there must be a deep-rooted issue that needs addressing, that my brain just shut down. I cannot sit down and work on my novel and I cannot workout because these brain farts occur.

The other day, I had planned to workout with my kettlebell and do a short Zumba session. The moment I walked into the living room, everything shut down. My whole body went lethargic, I felt zapped of energy, my mood dropped and worst of all, my brain completely fogged over. I don't remember moving from the doorway to my pc or loading up World of Warcraft. I just suddenly went from standing in the doorway, planning on getting my kettlebell to running around in Azeroth within the space of five minutes. Once I was in WoW though, I couldn't leave so to speak. My mood had dropped so dramatically and I felt so tired and so lethargic that I didn't want to do anything. It's not a gaming addiction or anything because I autopilot to other things as well. When I want to write, I usually gravitate towards my bed or the sofa and just watch youtube videos about anything. I don't know why. My brain just farts up a fog cloud and I end up doing anything but the things I wanted to. This literally started after trying to find some self-help methods to get to the root cause of my psychological issues. It's like the issues have installed a self-defence mechanism within my brain, that prevents me from actually being productive. It has made things a lot harder but honestly, it's just making me more determined. The more someone or something tells me I can't do something, the more likely I am to try and do it. I've always been stubborn like that. I know there is a deep-rooted demon that is fuelling my low self-esteem and self-loathing and I'm going to find it, evict it and get my frikken weight down and my book finished. I know deep down, there is a part of me that can do this and I just have to get through these mental blockers. These brain farts stink and they need to stop.

This new mental battle will be a work in progress so watch this space and witness me make this psychological demon, my bitch!

Until next time,
Alli xo


  1. I know seeing a therapist is scary, but I couldn't recommend it more.

    My situation has been very similar to yours minus the the littleones. I just felt was in a rut and i just couldnt loose weight. Looking back i realised i was making every excuse under the sun to not do what i needed to do.

    I had a.complete breakdown last year and thought i cant do this anymore and finally went to the doctors to be put on the waiting list for pychotherapy.

    I had my first appointment back in April of this year. The first few time were traumatic. I still havnt been able to come out of an appointment without crying, but holy crap Im starting to feel more in control.

    Ive been sticking with a diet that i feel i can maintain for the rest of my life and most importantly tackled my fear of going to the gym! I go three times a week in the evening, same time and work my arse off in a bootcamp. Im about the same size as you so Ive always just gone in baby steps when its come to exercise, but somehow Ive gone above and beyond what i thought i was capable of. So far ive lost 10cm off my waist in 5 weeks. Its crazy! I have chubceps now too!

    I have always been weak willed but somehow taking that first step to get therapy just opened the world to me.

    I can see you have so many good intensions trying so hard to turn your life around. But like you said unless you deal with emotinal issues its like trying to go forward in a boat with no paddle. basically going up shit creek. Therapists are your paddle and you shouldnt do it on your own.

    All the best

  2. Oh also if your not sure what the root of the problem is, CBT will be quite difficult doing it on your own. Sometime we dont relise what behaviours we have that are toxic.

    Fo example when i have family coming round I always buy lots of food and clean our home top to bottom. Seems innocent enough right? Turns out I do this so they will come back again. I was scared they wouldnt want to stay again unless i went beyond my means for them to have a good time. This was quiet significant for my personal issues. But without my therapist I would keep doing it without the knowledge it was feeding into my fears and negaitive thinking.

    1. Hey Matalee, I'm so happy to hear that therapy has been helping you and that you're helping more in control of your life now. Thank you for reaching out and sharing that with me as well.

      The issue with me however, isn't that I'm afraid to go to therapy or don't want to go, it's just more difficult with our situation (kids, work hours etc). We've looked at some options and they all just stress me out. Multiple people would have to work around my therapy sessions to help with the kids and as they wouldn't be the same time or day each week, it does cause issues long term issues for the people helping. We're still looking at options. Me doing it alone is merely to make a start. I know I can fully fix myself on my own but taking a few steps in the right direction, is better than sitting in the mud, waiting for the best option to become available. I hope to speak to a therapist soon but until then, I'm going to do what I can to help myself.

      Thanks again for reaching out, I hope you continue to see many positive life changes from your sessions :)

  3. Ah i see! Sorry totally missed the mark there :) Yea if you dont have the support network or the money for carers its incredably difficult to get anything done with kids.

    Im sure youve already considered it but group CBT might work well for you if you need a schedule. At least its always same day and time at our hospital.

    Also, i know its a while off, but colleges and Universities have fantastic childcare options and often provide CBT with on campus councillors. Though you have to get in there as soon as possible as its alway on.high demand. So thats always there for you too once your able to sort out everything. To be honest it takes so long on the nhs to be seen. Took me 8 months before i recieved my letter from referal :/
    No harm putting your name down, see what happens :) You can just cancel it if need be.

    Best of luck! Keep on trucking! If you need some motivating or help to get yourself back on track I always find Arnold Schwarzenegger speaches very inspiring lol