Monday, 10 June 2019

When your support network breaks down.

Another week, another blog post. I won't waste much time rambling on in this intro as time is short for me today, for reasons you're about to find out. 

Yesterday, the biggest supporter in my support network broke down. Yep, Jordan had a mild emotional crack appear which ended up in me getting upset and left feeling hurt and guilty. The crack was about the housework. Long story short, he's pretty much being doing the bulk of the housework lately on top of his actual job. Why? Because a little over a month ago, before I started Slimming World and was still struggling with depression pretty badly, he told me he wanted me to put myself first for a change and to focus on getting better and being happier etc. I said when I put myself first, things like the housework suffer because they're not the priority anymore. He said to me "don't worry about the housework, I can take care of that, just focus on getting better." Shortly after that conversation, I started Slimming World and part of that journey saw me start walking every day and cooking huge syn-free meals that took a while to make. Basically, I was spending a lot of my "free time" out of the house and when I was home, I was spending maybe 40 minutes cooking lunch and usually 40-60 minutes making dinner. In between cooking, I was taking care of the kids and squeezing in things like writing this blog and if I had the energy, I'd try and do a small tidy around the house. Literally, apart from at night with Jordan, I haven't even had time to game anymore. 

Most of the time though, I'm pretty drained. As an obese person who's not only forcing themselves to exercise everyday but doing it whilst pushing a toddler in a big heavy pram, energy gets drained very quickly. So obviously (and as expected) I wasn't wanting to do the housework because I was retaining the last of my energy for cooking and taking care of the kids. I told Jordan that if I put more time and effort into myself, that the house would take a hit. I'm not Superwoman. I am nowhere near fit enough to exercise, be a full time mum, cook and clean the house. One of those things has to give. Anyway, yesterday we were at the park for a what was supposed to be a fun family day out but when I made a suggestion of where to go after the park, Jordan was quick to snap back saying he didn't want to do that but instead he wanted to go home and do housework because if he doesn't do it, it won't get done. Naturally his words stung because his tone was not hiding his resentment at all. He was clearly annoyed at the lack of housework I was doing, despite our conversation only a month ago. I started feeling guilty and ashamed. It was made worse when Jordan started asking what I'd done all of last week housework wise) I felt humiliated and just wanted to go home. My plan after the park had been to go to the Clark's shoe shop that was 2 minutes away from the park and to get myself some new trainers for walking in. My current ones are about 9 years old and are from Australia. Suddenly, I felt so incredibly bad for putting myself before the house that I felt I didn't deserve proper trainers that won't cause my feet to hurt when I walk. The rest of the park visit, I sat alone, quiet and with my sunglasses on to hide the tears in my eyes. I broke down once we got back to the car and the day from then on out was pretty miserable. 

Eventually Jordan came and apologised to me and explained that since they combined two job roles at work (HR role has been added to his job role meaning he is doing the job of 2 people for no extra pay) he's been feeling incredibly anxious and stressed. He said the housework on top is just too much for him to handle at the moment. I said, I wished he'd have just told me instead of bottling that fact up, only to snap at me and really upset me whilst we were supposed to be having a fun day out as a family. He said he didn't want me to worry about him and wanted me to keep focusing on myself because he has seen my mood improving and that was making him happy. He'd been trying to hide how he was feeling yesterday but he was a ticking time bomb, anything could've made him crack. The whole situation was handled poorly and so I told Jordan to let me sleep in this morning (meaning he needed to do the school run), so I could hit the ground running with plenty of energy today and smash through some housework. I still need to walk to the shops later to get stuff to cook dinner with but as soon as I finish this post, I have to get up and get as much housework done as possible. Don't get me wrong, I do still do housework, it's just small little things that never get noticed. Like, I always wash up my dishes after use rather than dumping them in the sink (which Jordan and Vala do a lot). The bathroom never needs cleaning, why? Because I tidy it every day and give it a proper clean each week. It's literally a 10 minute job. Of course you're not going to notice things being cleaned if you never see them messy. Today though, I've got to do cleaning that will be noticeable when Jordan comes home. So, I'm gonna stop wasting more of your time with this post and wrap it up.

Until next time,
Alli xo


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