Thursday, 27 June 2019

I'm an anxious person.

Hey ho, it's Thursday! Apologies for the late post yet again (I'm really good at keeping to a schedule aren't I?) but things got a little stressful yesterday and before I knew it, the day was over and I still hadn't got my fingers to the keyboard.

Yesterday though, my DVLA form arrived for me to complete and send off with documentation proving my identity and right to actually have a British driving license. I also had to take one of those horrible license photos where you're not allowed to smile and pretty much just have to put on your best serial killer face in order for it to be approved. It honestly wasn't a whole lot that needed to be done but yet I majorly stressed about it. I went and showered and tried to style my hair in the same way the hair dresser did last Friday, just so I could look remotely nice in the photo. It sadly didn't work, I'm all frizz in the photo and the lighting makes my freckles look like dirt across my face and man, every spot really shows up in these photos. Also, my second chin made an appearance in the photo too, which naturally, I hate seeing. We rushed to get those photos taken though because I needed someone to sign the back of it and Vala's teacher seemed like the best choice. So we got them done before school pick up and I rushed in with the photo and form and got her to sign everything and then came home again to change Vala before we spent the evening at Jordan's parents. I had planned on swinging by the post office on the way to Jordan's parents but honestly, the day had been stressful enough for me that I just wanted to give myself a break from it all. I left the form on my desk and it is still sitting here in front of me now. I said I'd walk down to the post office today and post it instead but naturally, my worry wart mind kept me awake half the night and now I'm absolutely shattered. Got the shopping out the way though and once it's Flynn's nap time, I'm going for a nap too. My eyes seriously hurt right now.

All yesterday proved to me though, is that I've become a very anxious person. I never wanted to believe I was actually someone who suffered with anxiety but after my solo trip to town last week and now sorting out this application, I've come to accept that I am an anxious person and admittedly, that does upset me. I hate seeing how much mental and emotional trauma, being with Vala's dad has caused me. I know we split up years ago but ever since being with him, I've struggled to put myself first or do anything to improve myself. It's only now that Jordan is pushing me to take time for myself and to make myself a priority, that I'm realising how screwed up in the head I really am. I don't want to be anxious when dealing with trivial things like this. I know the real, confident me is still inside me somewhere, I just don't know how to bring her out again. Hopefully in the next day or two, I'll actually get around to mailing this application off and then I can not worry about it until I hear back about whether my application was approved or not. If it's approved, the next stage is to apply for my birth certificate which is another anxiety filled situation for me. If it's declined....well, I'll be devastated but still have to apply for my birth certificate because I need it to start Uni; it'll just be a lot harder and therefore a lot more stressful for me. So fingers crossed it gets approved and I can put this stressful, anxiety ridden experience behind me.

Until next time,
Alli xo


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