Monday, 24 June 2019

I can't be alone.

Howdy all. Monday is here and I had a huge sleep in today. Jordan is off work so he took care of the morning school run whilst I caught up on some much needed sleep. I tossed and turned for hours last night. Too warm and uncomfortable to sleep. I was still awake at 3am so not having to get up at 7:30am was a blessing. However now, like last Friday, Jordan is wanting me to go out and work on my novel in a cafe again. The only problem is.... I can't.

Last Friday, after I blogged, I did head out into town and got myself set up at a random quietish cafe. Had my writers notebook, a pen and my netbook along with a tasty beverage and snack. Everything should have been peachy but it wasn't. I couldn't concentrate on my work because I was feeling a little bit anxious. I was constantly aware of everyone around me and put off any time someone walked remotely close to me. I just wanted Jordan or even my best friend sitting with me. I didn't need to be talking to them or anything, I just needed someone sitting with me, doing their own thing so I didn't feel weird being sat in a cafe on my netbook. I tried moving to a different cafe that's within our local Waterstones book store because usually I'm very comfortable in there. However, I felt worse in there and it made me give up trying to write because my heart was too heavy.

I was ready to pack up and head home but I didn't want to go home feeling the way I did. I felt pathetic, embarrassed, like a failure with no confidence. So instead I stayed in town and did a little retail therapy. I bought myself a book from Waterstones when I recognised the cover art from a wonderful artist I follow on Twitter; Charlie Bowater. Aurora Rising is now on my huge 'To Read' pile of books. After leaving Waterstones, I brought three cheap but comfortable and colourful tops from Primark and then got my eyebrows waxed (first time in almost 7 years) and my hair cut. The slight pampering did help my confidence. Sure I barely got any work done but I came home with my head held high. Amazing what a little hair cut and a new top can do. Obviously, that brings us back to today and Jordan wants me to try again but I don't want to. I know now that I've lost all my independence. I knew it had been damaged due to my time with Vala's dad but I never realised the extent of it. Jordan's right, I need to keep trying and eventually I'll start to feel more confident and more independent but I still just don't want to try. I just want him to sit with me. That pathetic feeling is creeping in again. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place right now. He is right though, I need to do this!

Until next time,
Alli xo


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