Wednesday, 5 June 2019

Giving up online gaming (mostly)

It's Wednesday and I'm bringing in the hump day with a very low, sombre mood. Last night I made a decision that has affected me more than it probably should. Last night, I decided it was time I give up online gaming...mostly.

For the last few weeks, Jordan and I have been playing the game 'Dead By Daylight' together. Mainly because it's the only co-op game we both have that we both enjoy. I have always enjoyed the game though, from the minute it came out 3 years ago. However, the last few nights when playing, various teammates, all of whom were just randoms with the exception of Jordan, have been throwing abuse at me post-match. Even in matches where I've performed better than Jordan, I've been at the receiving end of horrible remarks from other teammates. Two nights ago, I was called brain dead and last night, despite performing second best on the team, I was called "useless". I couldn't understand why I was getting the abuse aimed towards me and Jordan wasn't having anything negative said to him even when he was performing poorly. The only conclusion I could come up with is the fact my Steam profile showed that I was female. It was only logical conclusion we could draw from it. I've since had to change my Steam profile to hide any evidence of my gender. I went to bed last night feeling really low. I enjoy the game and I love playing with Jordan but now the thought of playing it again just makes me feel sad. It's like I'm deliberately putting myself in the position for more abuse despite knowing it's going to upset me. So I decided that, at least for now, I'm done with Dead By Daylight. I even almost uninstalled the game. I held off though because it's not just DbD with a toxic community. Any online multiplayer game has its rotten apples. I stopped playing CoD many many many years ago due to it's toxic community. I never even tried Overwatch because the community turned toxic insanely fast and even World of Warcraft has it's toxic players. For that very reason, I've stopped raiding with "Looking For Raid" groups (LFR groups).

So today, after much thought, I've decided, that at least for now, I'm going to give up most online multiplayer games. Any game that puts me in a team with random players, that leaves me open to abuse, are now on my no no list. I'm really sad to give up games that I do really enjoy, especially Dead By Daylight, but I'm not finding joy in them anymore. Gaming has been a huge part of who I am since I was 18. Technically even earlier than that but I didn't become a serious gamer until 18. It's hard to just give up something I've loved for over 10 years. Pretty much the only online multiplayer game I'll continue to play is World of Warcraft and that's because I don't have to play with other people. If I just avoid raiding and running dungeons, I don't have to play with anyone else. So now whenever I play WoW, it'll be a solo gaming experience. It does kinda take out the point of it being an MMO but I still see the other players, they're just not abusing me for no reason at all.

I don't know when or even if I'll return to games like Dead By Daylight, but I know that moving away from them is the best thing for me at this time. It does, genuinely make me sad to be giving up DbD because I do really love playing the game with Jordan, but until I am able to disable chat from the game, it's just not a healthy place for me to be; and that's really sad. I hope to be able to play it again with Jordan some day. Is it bad that I'm actually really upset to be giving online multiplayer games up? Feels bad man.

Until next time,
Alli xo

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