Wednesday, 19 June 2019

Blast from the past

Happy hump day everyone! Hope the week is treating you well. My week has been slightly different to normal. You see, earlier in the week, I had a bit of a blast from the past and it's been making me take a long hard look at myself.

A few days back, I learned that an ex-boyfriend of mine, someone I spent three years of my life with, lived with and cared a lot about, actually streams on Twitch. I ended our relationship and I didn't end it well and have always felt bad about it. We remained Facebook friends but hadn't spoken since Vala was a year old. We haven't verbally spoken or seen each other in eight years. There was no real way I could make amends for being so horrible to him but when I learned that he streamed on Twitch, I decided to watch, say hey and try rebuilding a very broken bridge. He seemed happy to hear from me and we conversed back and forth for most of the stream before I had to leave to get Vala from school. I learned quite a bit about how his life is now and that's what made me look at myself more deeply.

In the eight years since our split, I've moved to the UK, had a failed marriage, an extended engagement and two kids. What has he done? Well, he's only gone and done a doctorates degree in physics! By the end of the year, he'll have the title of Dr. He has also travelled a lot and got himself a great job in the physics department of his university. I've not even managed to complete my Bachelor's degree and his a frikken Dr. of physics! I've stagnated on my novel and pretty much stagnated on life. Our relationship was in a terrible rut by its end; he was in a terrible rut! I have always known that ending the relationship was the healthy thing for both of us. It was just time to take different paths. By his own admission, me leaving was the kick up the backside he needed to make something of his life and learning that he has done so well since then, does make me really happy. It's bittersweet really, I cared about him a lot, wanted to settle down and start a family with him but not only were we not on the same page, we weren't even in the same chapter of the same book. I left because it was the healthy thing to do, not because I didn't care and so whilst, yes, I am happy he is doing so well, a part of me will always feel a little sad that the cost of him to succeed and be happy, was our relationship.

Of course, I've long since learned that destiny is a real thing and that I was destined to be with Jordan. A lot of blocks were set up to get to this point and I'm finally where I'm supposed to be. The chances of Jordan and I meeting the way we did were so small that the fact we did find each other is nothing short of fate. Maybe the story of how Jordan and I meeting was destined, is a story for another time but despite knowing that I'm where I'm supposed to be, a part of me feels annoyed that I've not done as well as my ex has since our split. I have two wonderful kids and a loving partner but I've gone through so much pain and hell to get to this point. I have no self-esteem, no confidence; I'm a fraction of the person I once was. If my ex saw the person I'd become, he probably wouldn't recognise me and not because I'm almost twice the size I was 8 years ago.

Getting in touch with my ex was a good thing for me, it's now making me re-evaluate things to try and work out how to be my old self again. My confident, self-assured, happy, true self again. It's made me want to work hard on my novel again, to get back into study and get a degree again.  To show that I can do more than just procreate and be more than just someones mother or wife. It's made me want to work on me and that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to work harder on being me.

Until next time,
Alli xo

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