Friday, 3 May 2019

Lilith and Butcher

Happy Friday everyone! Hope you've all got some fun weekend plans lined up. Vala's got a friends birthday party tomorrow. I'm going to be having lunch with my best friend while she's there and then on Sunday, we're having a family day as Jordan's off work. I'm definitely in a TGIF mood but I'm afraid today's post isn't going to be a particularly happy one. For you see, there is something about my mental health that, up until recently, I kept only to myself.

I thought it was high time to introduce you to the demons inside my head and the roles they play in my mood. Up until now, I've just referred to them as the voices in my head or my demons but a while ago, I gave them names and identities. I'd hoped that by doing so, it would make them easier to control and deal with and to some extent it has, just not as much as I'd have hoped.

So first up is Lilith. Aptly named after a demon, Lilith is a giant, black Great Dane who comes and sits on me whenever I try to be productive. She has a more sultry version of my own voice and taunts me endlessly. She's the demon who says things like "what's the point in trying, you're only going to fail", "Give up trying to lose weight, you're always going to be fat" and "You're a useless, worthless, incompetent, terrible mother." She brings my mood down and crushes my motivation and hope. Any time I try to be productive and just end up sitting on my arse playing video games, it's because inside of me, there is a giant black dog sitting on my chest, whispering cruel taunts in my mind and playing video games is my way of trying to drown her out. In the end though, she wins because by playing the games to drown her out, I wasn't being productive like I wanted to be. She's a real b***h.

Then of course, there are the moments where everything just becomes too much for me and Dragon Mummy comes out. Those days where I snap at everyone and everything. Where I shut myself in my room and cry my eyes out all day. That is because Butcher has made an appearance. I can function relatively ok when it's just Lilith but as soon as Butcher joins in, there is no hope for me. He is a stereotypical looking red cartoon devil. He usually sits on Lilith's back and he spreads lies based off my fears. He tells me things like "Jordan will stop loving you if you don't lose weight", "Jordan is going to find someone better, prettier and skinnier than you and you're going to die alone and unloved" and "Your kids are going to grow up to hate you because you're the worst mother in the world." Together, both Butcher and Lilith call me names and pick on my flaws, like my weight and my appearance. They mock me and bring me down and I hate them both. I'm glad that Butcher isn't always around but unfortunately Lilith is.

Some days though, I manage to get some stuff done and be productive whilst Lilith takes a nap. Even brain demons need their ugly sleep. However, when she wakes up she sits back on my chest (which leaves a genuine feeling of a heavy heart) and tells me that everything I accomplished during her nap, wasn't good enough and that I didn't do as much as I should've. She is exhausting. They both are.

But there you have it, the two demons that I had kept completely secret until about a week ago when I told both Jordan and my best friend about them. Figured, since they were out the bag now, it was time to share them with everyone else. I think since telling Jordan about them, he's been able to understand a little better about how I feel each day and why even the simplest of tasks can be so hard for me. You'd have a hard time cleaning the house if there was a Great Dane sitting on your chest as well. Anyway, I promise I will try and give you a more positive post next week, but this is something that I needed to get out there. Thanks for reading.

Until next time,
Alli xo


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