Wednesday, 8 May 2019

Life needs to change.

Hey everyone! Apologies that this post is coming to you quite late today but honestly, up until now, I wasn't sure what to blog about. I'm intending this to be a short piece but we all know how much I tend to ramble on so I'm just going to cut to the chase; I need life to change. 

Most people are afraid of change; and with good reason, change can be scary. I thought for a while, that I was one of those people but in reality, I'm the opposite. I need change. Right now, life is pretty stagnant. We're not moving forward but we're also not moving backwards, we're just sitting dead in the water right now. I've spent the last week trying to figure out what is right for me in terms of losing weight and it doesn't matter what options I look at, my brain is convinced I'll fail no matter what I try so why bother. I even have a mum at school, loaning me her Slimming World recipe books because she said they've been great for her and she lost all the baby weight plus a bit more after her son (who is 12 days younger than Flynn) was born. However, I just can't change my habits and I've spent all of today trying to figure out why it's so hard for me to break these habits and I honestly think it's because nothing in my life is changing at the moment. Wedding plans have been put on hold again, Jordan's slacked off on looking for a new job and we can't move to a bigger place until he has a new job that brings in more income. There isn't really a way for me to improve our financial/living situations at the moment, we've looked; so I'm pretty much just sitting here, waiting for things to change around me, feeling I have little to no control over them. I'll be honest, it sucks.

The only thing I have any control over, is my weight loss and dieting etc. But of course, I can't break out of those habits. Nothing around is changing, therefore I'm not changing. I'm finding it harder to change when literally everything else is staying exactly the same. I've had this problem before I moved to the UK. I was in a place in my life where not only had I stopped progressing in life but in some aspects like my relationship and education, I'd actually started moving backwards. I started becoming quite depressed, much like I am now. I needed change, I needed to keep moving forward to the next goal. I know what I want from life and I don't think I'll be happy until I've reached those goals. So, if I'm not moving towards those goals at a reasonable rate, everything starts to get very bleak for me. It's because of the lack of change that I'm struggling to get my head in the right place to lose weight. My brain demon; Lilith, keeps reinforcing that it doesn't matter what I do, nothing will change. I need to get out of my own head but it just feels impossible at the moment. I'm honestly worried that I won't be able to actually lose weight until something drastically changes within our family life; like Jordan getting a new job and/or us moving home etc. I can't change while everything else is staying the same, that's basically it, in a nutshell. How I'm going to get passed this, I don't know. What I do know, is that I have to find a way to progress whilst being anchored in one place.

I seriously hope some good change comes along soon. 

Until next time, 
Alli xo 


  1. I know what you mean about feeling stuck, I just got out of a rut and it wasn't a nice place to be. I'm still feeling stagnant in a bunch of areas (hello, house cleaning!), but in general, I'm feeling a lot more generous towards myself for little every day wins. Last night I made totally delicious butter chicken, I kicked my word count goals, I got some great research books in the mail and I made a bunch of phone calls that I had been procrastinating about. I let myself feel proud about those things, and didn't let myself dwell on all the things I didn't achieve.. because I can try again to do better tomorrow.

    Something I learned very recently from somebody who seems to have it all together was to care less. About everything. She said that the moment you put so much pressure and angst into something, you spook yourself out of being able to do it or do a good job of it. So I tried it, and so far, it works. I care less that my house is messy, and somehow I get more housework done than when I was paralyzed by the enormity of it. I care less about my writing, and it's just falling out of my fingertips without the usual relentless pressure to get every single phrase painstakingly perfect. It feels pretty good so far!

    I know it's prescriptive and seems too easy to be a real solution, but for me, being told "care less" by somebody who has everything under control was just so freeing. It was the permission I needed to just get things done, instead of spending all my time torturing myself about the fact that I wasn't getting things done. Hopefully it works for you!

    1. Thanks Jo. I've heard people say "You should care less" in the past but it's always been in relation to other things and it's never sunk in, in a good way. Things like "you should care less what people think of you, only your opinion matters." It's like, yeah thanks, that doesn't actually help me feel any better because I have a very low opinion of myself. However, reading how it's helped you makes me see it in a more positive light, opposed to the negative light it's been said to me in. I'm going to try it your way, the positive way and see how I get on. Thanks Jo. <3