Wednesday, 24 April 2019

We feel like kids.

Happy hump day everyone! My brain is finding it hard to comprehend that it's Wednesday already; guess that's what a bank holiday will do to you. As I stated in my last post, Jordan and I were on our way to Oxford to visit a friend. Whilst we had a great time there, we came away feeling sad, small and like children.

Our friends house was so magnificent and huge that it made us look at our own living situation as well as our financial situation and our general lifestyle. Our friend is single with no children and he just bought himself a brand new, just built, four bedroom, three-storey house in a still being developed housing estate, right next to a lake. The house set him back a cool £350k and he lives in it all alone. The house was gorgeous with a decent sized backyard and plenty of space. As we took a tour of the house, Jordan and I kept glancing at one another; we were both having the same thoughts. Our friends house was a million times better than the two bedroom, first floor shoebox flat we live in and are trying to raise a family in.

Our friend is the same age as us; his birthday is snack bang in the between mine and Jordan's birthdays and here he was with a huge house, a brand new car, a great job and decent money. We knew we shouldn't have compared ourselves to him but we couldn't help it and we weren't the only ones either. Jordan's old uni mate had come with us and even he felt small and immature in our friends new place. He too lives in a tiny shoebox apartment that he rents. I noticed he was having similar thoughts to Jordan and I when he made a slightly sarcastic joke about us all being "grown-ups" now. We all came away feeling happy for our friend and how well he is doing but at the same time, we felt so small, like we're still kids. It's really hard to put into words, exactly how Jordan and I feel but when we look at our friend now, we see him as a grown-up, the same way we viewed adults when we were kids. Even though we're all the same age, we don't feel we're on the same level anymore. Our friend seems to be more mature, responsible, financially stable etc whereas we still seem like irresponsible teens who haven't learned how to grow up yet. Again, it's really hard to put into words how we feel.

We're not trying to compare ourselves to our friend, nor are we bitter or resentful that he has things we don't; we're just...sad. He is in a position in life now that we want to be at but yet it feels so out of reach. We want to be able to give our kids a wonderful childhood with stability and structure but we don't have that. We have no idea how many times we'll end up moving house in the future or whether or not our financial situation will get better etc. I've said it before and I'll say it again now, we feel like we're in limbo. We're trying so hard to reach the level of life our friend is now at but we're progressing so slowly, it feels like we're not getting anywhere at all. I want to feel like I am a grown up, not a reckless, irresponsible teen but one house warming was all it took to remind me that I'm not even close. Hopefully one day we'll get there. Hopefully.

Until next time,
Alli xo

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