Monday, 1 April 2019

Mother's Day 2019

Happy 1st of April everyone! I hope no one has been caught by the April Fools Bug going around today. I for one am mostly ignoring social media today and recovering from Mother's Day yesterday.

And recovery, I need - yesterday was not what I had hoped it would be. The plan for yesterday was that I'd be woken up to breakfast in bed (chocolate French toast and coffee) and presents from the kids. I would get a restful morning before we went out for lunch and then our traditional walk around the local lake before going to Jordan's parents for dinner. That was mostly all Jordan's idea.

In reality, I woke up to the kids screaming (happily) in their room, got up to go toilet and was immediately confronted by Vala telling me she was so excited to go see Jordan's mum. I brushed it aside and went back to bed after my toilet trip and had to force Jordan to actually get up. I waited while he got Vala to sign the card from her and Flynn and eventually they came in and gave me my gift. No breakfast though. Eventually, I got up and made myself some regular toast. This was around the same time that Vala had mentioned she wanted to go see Nonna for roughly the 6th time since I'd woken up. Jordan tried to explain to her that it was mummy's day and that they needed to make me feel special and he asked her if I was a good mummy. Vala answered "no". That sent my depression into a fast downward spiral. Apparently, she said I was a bad mummy because at the time I was annoyed that she kept talking about wanting to go to Nonna's already. Didn't matter, the damage was done. I spent the morning alone in my room crying. I didn't want to do anything as I felt I didn't deserve it anymore. I just wanted to stay away from my family.

Eventually though, I told myself to get over it and to go out for a light lunch with the family, followed by the walk as planned. Well, Vala decided she'd keep driving that knife in that she wanted to be with Nonna instead. Mentioning it another 5 times before we even got to lunch, another 3 times at lunch and then between the trip to the lake and our walk along it, I lost count how many more times she mentioned it. Even Jordan was starting to get mad. He was trying to make the day special for me and he could see Vala's words were upsetting me. And why wouldn't they? On a day where you're supposed to show your mother that you're thankful for all she does and make her feel loved, special and important, my daughter kept driving home that there was someone more important to her that she wanted to be with. I couldn't help but feel second best. Everything I do for her and it doesn't compare to Jordan's mum spoiling her. I just felt miserable. I had to force myself to still attend dinner at Jordan's parents.

I'm glad I went though, the dinner was amazing and I got a little tipsy as Jordan's step-dad kept topping my glass up with this rather delicious French beer. But what made it even better was that Vala finally stopped nagging. She had what she wanted, Nonna, and so she was happy. I got a lot of cuddles from her then and she started saying nice things to me (like that I'm her best friend and I give the best cuddles etc) and I finally felt like I was getting the family time I'd wanted all day. It was a really nice night, I'm just disappointed that the day wasn't as enjoyable.

After we got home I questioned why Vala's words and behaviour had upset me so much and I just kept returning to the Mother's Days we gave my mum when I was a kid. All 4 of us kids and dad, went out of our way to make the day special for mum. We'd wake her with breakfast in bed and presents, we'd then leave her alone in peace until she was ready to go out. Then my dad would stay home and my mum would take us kids out for lunch and a bit of shopping. We'd then come home to a roast dinner that dad had made. It was the same every year. It was our little family tradition I guess, but it's what mum wanted. She got to enjoy a day off and spend quality time with us kids and we'd make her feel important and special. Nothing else mattered but making mum happy. I guess, I just expected to carry those ideals over. I started the Mother's Day tradition of walking around the lake and we've done it every year that we've lived in Nottingham but I didn't feel special yesterday, hell, I barely felt loved. Vala just wanted Nonna and Flynn was in full "I want daddy" mode for most of the day. Neither kid really wanted to spend quality time with me and that's what upset me. Call it selfish but screw it, it was Mother's Day, the only day besides my birthday where im allowed to be selfish and expect to be made to feel special. We've learned from our mistakes though and next year, if we do plan to go to Jordan's parents for dinner again, we just won't tell Vala beforehand. Hopefully then we'll have a more pleasant day together. Here's hoping at least.

Until next time,
Alli xo
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