Friday, 22 March 2019

A very negative but much needed vent thread that may offend some people.

TGIF! Now it's truth time. I am so sick of being judged. I am so sick of constantly feeling worthless. I am so sick of the second guessing every decision I make. I am so sick of pretending to be something I'm not just because people get upset or offended by the real me. Well, grow the F-Train up. My depression is hugely stemming from my incessant need to please people. I'm part Monica, I'll admit to that. 

I am fat! That fact makes me lazy. Lazy because I have less energy to do most things because it requires more energy for me to just move. Something a lot of skinny people seem to forget. I am dripping in sweat from the five minute school run I just did. I feel and look disgusting. I am fat. I am lazy. I am self-destructive. I know I'm fat and getting fatter yet my F'd up brain keeps shovelling the chocolate and sugary treats down my throat. I refuse to weigh myself but I feel my clothes getting tighter again. I want to stop but at the same time, I've given up all hope on myself. Any time something good happens for me, life throws a mouldy, rotten lemon at me and laughs manically. I had lost 7kg and then my father-in-law passed away and my natural instinct to deal with the pain was to eat. The emotional abuse I endured for years, still affects me to this day as it hard-wired my brain to see food as my only comfort. Back then, it was my only comfort. So I eat and eat and eat. And it's all crap. I avoid healthy meals because it feels like a lie. A false sense of hope. If I eat a salad and make a step towards being better, life will pull down it's pants and take a dump on me. So why bother? I might as well settle into this destructive life of being a fatty mcfatpants. In January, I thought there was hope for change; hope for a new me. February bought old pain as well as new pain; nothing but pain and now, in March, I've just given up entirely. Life is short, eat the cake and all that crap. What's the point in even trying anymore? I'm a quitter. Always have been. 

I've quit every serious relationship I've ever had (with the exception of Jordan). Although, in my defence, the first one cheated on me and the next two ended up being emotionally abusive. Jordan's the only healthy relationship I've ever had and even we're not remotely perfect. I quit when things get hard. I quit university because my course sucked and wasn't remotely close to what I wanted to do. I quit my life in Australia because I was in a rut and I gave it all up to be with a horrible man. Only good thing was he gave me Vala before trapping me here forever. I suppose without him trapping me here, I wouldn't have met Jordan and subsequently had Flynn so I guess I should thank him for being such a controlling arse. I've quit my dreams more times than I can remember. I quit my novel because editing sucks and I hate it. I quit learning a new skill because I dared to put myself out there with it and ended up feeling stupid for it. I quit taking care of myself because I'm a piece of crap and I hate myself. I quit losing weight because let's face it, I'm a lazy sack of excrement who is doomed to be a fatty forever. I can't go home and have everyone see me like this, that'll just give them more ammunition to talk about what a pathetic loser I really am. God, my mum must be so embarrassed and ashamed of me. I wonder what she tells her friends about me? "Laura's just had her second baby, owns her own home and has this nice little part time job. Beth is expecting her first baby, owns her own home, is getting married this November and is running her dad's company with her fiancé. Alli? She's a stay-at-home mum." I mean, what else could she possibly tell her friends about me? That I was writing a novel but then gave up because editing require more attention, focus and discipline than I have been willing to give? That I sit around playing video games because I'm an immature woman-child who isn't grown up or responsible enough to have children? There is nothing positive about who I am. I'm just lying to myself and all of you by saying that I'm trying to get better. That ship sailed long ago and I missed it because I was sitting on my fat arse. God, I hate myself so much!

I am so sick of everyone judging me, you fuel my depression! You fuel my self-destructive behaviour. You fuel my hatred of myself. And by you, I'm not necessarily talking about you guys reading this, though, I don't actually know who reads this pile of crap I call a blog, so for all I know, someone who does make me hate myself more could be reading this. If they do, get off your high horse. Just because you're further along than I am, doesn't mean you know better than me! Just because you're more advanced in life, or at a hobby, or with losing weight, or whatever I'm trying to pursue, doesn't mean you can talk down to me. Just because I view myself as a useless, worthless sack of poop doesn't automatically mean you're better than me. 

I am Australian. It is part of our day to day vocabulary to swear like sailors. To us, swearing isn't offensive because words like 'shit' are used as adjectives to describe how bad something is. Swearing is our way of expressing ourselves and it's one of the biggest things I get judged for. I have to try so hard to curb my language when talking in an environment that I should feel comfortable to be myself in. Obviously, I wouldn't swear at my daughters school, or around my in-laws or at the doctors or a job interview etc etc but if I'm at home or I'm out with a friend or even on bloody twitter, what I say is my business and it's me expressing who I am. It's me not being ashamed of my Australian heritage. It's what I grew up with. It is normal for me. It's not like I go out of my way to scream the F word at the top of my lungs in public, no, I calmly use cuss words in general conversation with people close to me. And Twitter. Twitter is the platform where I feel I can be the most "me". I can showcase my immature, childish nature and not give a crap who gets offended. I can vent, I can cuss, I can geek out, I can be totally open. I can tell whoever I want to go shove it. So when people come onto my Twitter and get offended by what I write, that pisses me off. I don't go by my real name on Twitter, or even use my kids names. I am Netirial, Jordan is Dante and the kids are Bug and Brew Baby (although Flynn is slowly being renamed to Monster as he isn't a baby anymore). I'm not trying to be professional, I'm not trying to make friends or contacts. I'm going by my online persona so that I can express the real me without it affecting real world issues. If I ever get off my lazy backside and finish my novel, I'll probably use a different Twitter account to promote it. When I can be bothered to promote this blog, I use my gamermumchronicles Twitter account to promote it, not my regular account. I may be a lot of things but I'm not stupid. I know things I say on Twitter could negatively impact my "image" or whatever so I keep these aspects of my life separate. I have my personal twitter account, my blog twitter account and a joint gaming twitter account with Jordan where we used to promote our streams before I gave up on streaming. And as I said, IF I ever finish the novel and publish it, I will create a whole new Twitter account to promote it. Not only that, but on the extremely rare chance that it actually does well and people start buying it (I know it'll never happen but seriously, all I have left are dreams so don't even try and take them away from me), then I would probably privatise my personal Twitter account so that I could continue to be me without people seeing a side of me that they don't like and it negatively effecting my work. Because again, I'm not that stupid. 

Maybe one day I'll be treated with a little more respect from people. I doubt it but again, all I have left are dreams. Maybe once people get off their high horses and stop looking down on me all the live long day, I'll stop hating myself so much and maybe I'll even start working hard to be a better version of myself. But again, I'm not holding my breath. People are the worst. I used to be an extrovert that was full of life, with an amazing personality that radiated out of me and made the people around me happy. But then I let too many toxic people into my life and they robbed me of my happiness. They robbed me of my spirit. They took all I had, used me, abused me and crushed me down into the dirt like a worthless piece of garbage. And now here I stay. Hating myself because of what other people did to me. They F'd my brain so hard I still believe that I don't deserve better than the abuse they gave me. I believe I'm a worthless, waste of carbon because they treated me that way. I hate myself because they told me (some of them literally) that I didn't deserve to be loved or happy. They told me I was a horrible person because I couldn't get any flatter in the ground to let them walk all over me. I hate those people and I hate myself and I hate pretending to be someone else just to make these same poisonous arseholes happy! 

I have held so much of this in for far too long and it is like venom coursing through my veins, slowly killing me over time. I feel nothing but anger and resentment now and for once, it's not just at myself. I'm NOT sorry if this post offended any of you. This shit needed to come out and if you have such a problem letting me express just how fucked in the head I really am, then stop reading this blog. I don't force you to read this crap. This isn't a Clockwork Orange situation, where I'm forcing your eyes open to read this blog. Don't like my posts? Go find another blog to follow because I am done trying to please a mass of people who don't give two shits about me. I'm done now. I'm ending this super long vent thread and going to drown my hatred and sorrows in half a block of chocolate because I'm a pathetic, fat, piece of scum. 

I'll try to me more "positive" next post.
Alli xo. 

5 comments:

  1. Wow, okay. I just wanted to let you know that I read your blog, it's nice to read about a real life on the other side of the world. I'm always interested when people I know in real life are bloggers, because sometimes I feel like the only one and that nobody reads mine. I'm rooting for you, and I'm really sorry that you are feeling so bad right now. I know all about the negative self-talk because I give myself hell just as bad behind the scenes, and it does make everything just that much harder. I don't know if people really do think all the horrible things that I imagine they are thinking about me, but I try generally to put some emotional distance between myself and them for self-preservation. There is a family member of mine who I get along fine with if I see her for short periods every month or so, but I have her blocked on social media, because I know from past experience that she will rip me to shreds for sport whenever she is feeling bad about herself.. so it's just better to not put myself in that situation. If you can figure out what makes you feel bad, maybe make your life a bit safer for yourself by limiting those influences? I mean, your father in law dying is an unavoidable bad thing that you couldn't have possibly shielded yourself from, but maybe there are other things you can?

    Please don't give up on your novel, it's amazing to have gotten as far as a finished first draft, I wish I was at that stage. Maybe break it down into little chunks and give yourself a daily page/paragraph goal? You said ages ago that one of the reasons you were writing it was for your kids - even if you can't see right now that doing it for yourself is still super worthwhile, surely doing it for them is still a big enough reason? Even if it's hard.

    Something else that I have found useful is something I just made up on my own... for example, with exercising, I do something called 'symbolic exercise'. Which means that I aim to do a certain amount a day, but if I'm not feeling it or something awful is happening or I have my period or whatever, I'll just do like twenty squats or plank for thirty seconds and call it a day. That way I can feel good about the fact that I stuck to at least part of my goal by exercising every day, even if it wasn't exactly what I should have done. They say that the biggest hurdle in incorporating change into your life is actually forming the habit - once it's a regular thing, you can build on that. If you edited three paragraphs a day until it was a habit, that's something you can improve on later. If you do one zumba song every day even if you're not feeling it, then at least you will have the habit formed so on days when you're feeling more positive, you can try doing two songs.

    I am the worst at sticking to things, and so is Nathan, and I'm always trying to figure out ways of motivating myself, so I figured it was worth sharing. Hopefully anything I have said helps! But if not, hang in there. It will get better.

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    1. Thank you Jo, I really do appreciate all the support you've given me over the years.

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  2. (1/2) *This* is what blogs are for. Let it the hell out.

    We barely know one another, but I find myself curiously interested in you. I read your blog, though I don't always comment, and I'm interested in your tweets. I support you as a fellow writer - and editing is one of the harder stages of writing a novel, but it's far from the longest. The fact that you both started AND finished writing it is a bigger achievement than you give yourself credit for. Some of the top advice I've been given by writers both big and small is simply: 1) write, and 2) finish things. The fact that they have to tell us to finish writing things shows how often writers give up before the story is done. Therefore, you kind of can't give up now, or all of that was wasted time. Editing is just a case of reading through the finished piece - printed out, preferrably - and pretending you've never read it before (so the longer the break between finishing writing it and beginning to edit, the better). You read it, and you make notes on the story as you go along - what's unnecessary, what needs elaboration, etc. Then, when that's done, you sit down and you make the changes you need to make. It's not as much fun, it's true - you're not being creative at that point - but it's a rewarding process. And you just *can't* let it go like that :(

    Also, as for the swearing on twitter - let's not beat around the bush, we both know that that was aimed in part at me - twitter is a very different kind of platform, and I know that. I don't like swearing - you know this, you saw my ranty tweet about it. But twitter is an easy place to get your thoughts out, whatever they might be. When I made that tweet, I was ranting about professional settings. There's someone in the writing discord who swears left right and centre, usually kind of violently in hatred, and they're even worse in the private chat groups with the client. *That* is when swearing by type is ridiculous. But a place like twitter - and my account is only semi-professional (because, let's face it, no one really needs to hear about my thoughts on my favourite Moomin or Clanger)

    You're in a bad place. Only you can get yourself out of it. And I know that that is the most unhelpful thing anyone can say, because I've been cripppled by it for 13 years. Learning not to listen to the voice in your head is one of the HARDEST things to do, but it CAN be done. You have to let yourself feel the love of people around you, like Jordan & the kids. It's hard, but they love you - the kids especially. They don't know how to do anything *but* love you. So soak that up.

    I also totally get feeling drained by being fat. It's the junk food that does it, not your size, that crap gets into your blood and thins out the goodness. But I also understand painfully that healthy food feels like a lie. But remember: it's nothing to do with cutting OUT the good stuff. It's just replacing SOME of it with better things. And a bad workout is better than no workout at all. If you're not feeling Zumba, it's time to try something else. One of the biggest mistakes you can make is stick with the same thing. You'll plateau, physically or mentally, and that lack of enthusiasm will amount to wasted time. Have you considered a kickboxing DVD? 10 Minute Solution Knockout Body is a great introduction, with 5x 10 minute workouts that will introduce you to it. It's where I started, and kickboxing is a great way to use muscle inside cardio, and genuinely helps let some frustration out. No bags, no opponents, just you. You could do one 10 minute workout, or a few of them back to back. It's hugely versatile.

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    1. Ok, I haven't even read comment 2 yet but just wanted to clarify that the swearing part wasn't related to you or your tweet although whilst writing out this rant, I did remember your tweet from ages ago. No, what actually sparked that was this guy whom I know from another discord server. He used to follow me on Twitter before I force unfollowed him. He would literally call me out on anything and everything that I'd tweet or retweet, even to the point where he came onto Jordan's stream once just to make me feel stupid for something I'd retweeted. Anyway, Thursday night he was doing his usual trash talk routine and trying to wind me up about Aussie football and he poked fun at me swearing saying I only do it because I think it makes me sound cool. He is Australian and swears just as much as me! He really rubs me up the wrong way and so the swearing comment, when he is just as bad, frustrated me a lot more, especially since I was already in a bad mood at the time. I didn't plan out any of what I was going to write and I didn't proof read it either. I just spewed out a lot of what was bothering me, added some random images to break up the wall of text and hit publish. So when I touched on the not being professional part of my rant, I probably was referring to your tweet but not actually being conscious that I was. Besides, your tweet was so long ago (i think) and I don't think I felt it was directed at me. But anyway, going to read comment 2 now but yeah, just wanted to clear it up that your tweet isn't what sparked my rant about swearing, some douche I have to put up with in another discord server was. It's only a matter of time before he realises that he's not following me anymore as well lol.

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  3. (2/2) But, being a mum of 2 kids will also drain you. This, I only know from second-hand experience with my sister, who seems to have fallen into the same rut as you - feeling crap, drained, hopeless and unloved. It's just the pressure you both put on yourselves. But because of that, I also DO know how little what I'm saying actually helps, and that pep talks serve little use. It has to come from inside you.
    And I also know how hated that statement is, but it's the truth.


    I'm happy for you that you've gotten this out. And I'm sure some of the people who you need to have seen it, have. And I want you to know this: I have never judged you once. Not even passively. Unless I'm given genuine reason to, I don't cast judgements because I got sick of the negativity, and sick of being judged myself. Who gives a crap what anyone else thinks? You can never please everyone, anyway. And swearing on twitter isn't a good enough reason to judge someone - a number of people I follow do it, and, like I said, it's a platform of absent thoughts.

    You're not judged as much as you think. It just seems as though the people who do judge you are loud about it. But why even associate with people who will tell you that you're worth nothing? Cut those arseholes out - life is too short. Eat the cake, and BE HAPPY. Eliminate anything that works against that. Blood means nothing if that blood is toxic.

    *hugs, whether you want them or not*

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