Sunday, 31 March 2019

Friday, 29 March 2019

Monthly Challenge: March

It's nearly the end of March! Only 2 days left of the month and that means it is time for me to reveal what my challenge for this month was. Well, this month I challenged myself to try something new/learn a new skill. Now, I went into this challenge knowing that this wouldn't be my usual "yes I completed it" or "no I failed" type of monthly challenges because to learn a new skill doesn't mean there is an end goal so to speak. I did start to learn a new skill but in no way am I even remotely close to mastering it.

So what skill did I start learning? Well, I started learning to draw. I haven't even attempted to draw since my Graphics class in high school when I was roughly 14 years old. The only reason I did Graphics in high school was because it was a mandatory class in years 8 and 9. Other than a graffiti wall, I seriously can't even remember what we were asked to draw in that class. So, I went into this challenge with zero drawing skills at all, I legit had no idea what I was doing. I wasn't even really sure where to start. Ideally, I want to get good at digital art but I wasn't about to fork out hundreds of pounds on a drawing tablet when I seriously haven't the foggiest idea of how to draw. So I started with good old fashioned pencil and paper and turned to Pinterest for ideas. I wanted something really basic and came around a simple "circle person", or whatever the term is, I just call them circle people. I figured getting a rough idea of general anatomy would be a good place for a complete novice to start. So, everyday I drew the same circle person again and again and again. Practice makes perfect and I learn through repetition. I posted my first ever attempt on Twitter along with my next few attempts, hoping it would encourage me to keep going. At first it did but then one bad day is all it took to completely shake my confidence. I felt stupid and embarrassed and resisted the urge to remove the images I'd shared. I know I have nothing to be embarrassed about but I did just feel like an idiot. That only 5 days into practice, I'd done things wrong. Since then I've told myself there is no right or wrong place to start and there's no right or wrong way to learn. Everyone has their own methods and their own ideas and there was nothing wrong with what I started with or how I went about trying to teach myself. But I still couldn't bring myself to pick the pencil back up and draw again. My mood this month, as you're all fully aware, has been rock bottom low, so things like learning to draw got put on the back burner. I do fully intend on starting again though. Maybe not next month as I'll be focusing primarily on Camp NaNoWriMo but maybe in May, I'll dedicate more time to learning to draw again. So yeah, that was my challenge for this month and I'm looking forward to starting next months challenge now.

Until next time,
Alli xo
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Wednesday, 27 March 2019

The problem identified.

Happy hump day everyone! And yes I can say "happy day" and actually mean it for a change. For whilst, my mood may still not be the best, a little realisation has put me in better spirits. On Sunday night, Jordan and I were talking in bed, which we usually do to help me cope with my depression, and for the first time, we think we may have finally identified the root cause of my depression and the rut our family is in.

The root cause? Jordan's work! More specifically, his work hours. Jordan is on shift work and has been for a little under a year now. He can work any day of the week and hours will vary either between 7:30am-4pm or 11am-7:30pm. This week he has tomorrow (Thursday) off as well as Sunday (yay, he has Mother's Day off). All week though, he's working 7:30pm finishes which means he won't get home from work til around 8:45pm roughly. That's a good 45 minutes after the kids have gone to bed. Every morning when he leaves for work, knowing he'll not be home before the kids bedtime, he hugs the kids goodbye and says "I will see you tomorrow." I see a little part of him die every time he says that because it's only 10am (or in Vala's case 8:40am) and he won't see the kids again until 7:30am the following morning. It's really hard on him and I can only imagine it's hard on the kids. Vala tells me she misses daddy as it gets close to bed time. Flynn can't communicate how he feels but his little face lights up the following morning when he see's Jordan.

Anyway, when Jordan first moved up from the retail store he worked in, to its head office where he is now, he was put on set hours of Monday - Friday, 9am-5pm. However, at that time, he wasn't working the role he was hired for. He was put in another job role for nearly a year. June last year they finally moved him onto the job role he was originally hired for and that meant he was moved back onto shift work. Sunday night we pin pointed the period where things started going down hill at home. It lined up perfectly with Jordan moving back onto shift work. Jordan's health issues (severe fatigue and excessive night sweating) first began a couple of weeks after he switched job roles. I was teetering on the verge of postnatal depression but had been able to manage it up until around June when I had a full melt down and panic attack over the thought of going to the gym. It was a really horrible experience, I was hyperventilating on our bed, sobbing hysterically, so afraid to go back to the gym again. I'd already gone a few times but suddenly, all confidence was gone. After that day my depression got worse and worse and worse, to the point of here we are! Not only did Jordan's health issues arise and my depression got a lot worse but that's when we started seeing issues with our finances. We started struggling to make it to the end of the month. We've literally been living month to month for nearly a year now. We realised that when Jordan switched back to shift work, we lost our designated weekly grocery shopping day. Plus with Jordan not been home for dinner some nights and home the others, it became more difficult to plan our meals and shop ahead of time. So, I ended up going to Tesco almost every day to pick up something for dinner. Only problem with that was my depression. It would take so much for me to feel comfortable leaving the house that when I got to the shop, I desperately wanted comfort and would end up buying comfort food, jacking the price up of every single shop. Me going to the shops nearly every day was not only costing us more money but it was also causing me to put more weight on. Less money equalled more stress in the household. More weight equalled deeper depression. So essentially, all of our problems have stemmed from Jordan's work hours being so irregular.

With irregular hours, it's been hard for him to maintain a proper sleep pattern and we often go to bed together so in a way, it messed both of us up. My depression induced insomnia made it worse for me. It became impossible for us to have a morning routine because some mornings Jordan would be gone by 6:30am, before the kids and I had even woken up, whereas other days he wouldn't leave until 11am. We've been saying for months that it feels like we're not in sync with one another anymore and we couldn't understand what was wrong. We know now. I have my daily routine (albeit, it's not the best routine) and Jordan has his and on the days where he starts later or has the day off, our routines clash with one another. The school run is a prime example of that. I get the kids ready in a certain order. Breakfast between 7:45am-8am. I will get Vala dressed and ready for school between 8am- 8:15am. I get Flynn changed and dressed between 8:15am-8:30am. At 8:30am I get the pram set up and at 8:35am we're out the door. When Jordan is doing the school run, he doesn't bother with Flynn at all, he just leaves him home with me and he doesnt get Vala dressed until at least 8:20am. He often ends up rushing around like a headless chicken and doesn't get out the door until 8:40am. I get stressed out watching him get Vala ready for school. He does things a lot slower and in a weird order and some mornings we do clash. It's hard, Jordan's out the house for a little over 10 hours a day and when he gets home, he is exhausted and just wants to relax and I don't blame him for that.

Anyway, this post has gone on longer than I thought it would. We realised that we were more in sync with one another, both felt happier and healthier and that we had more money and a proper routine when Jordan was working set hours/days. Jordan switching to shift work has literally been the downfall of our family. It's taken a huge toll on Jordan as well as myself and the poor kids are caught in the middle. I know it hasn't been easy for Vala, especially on the days where Jordan works til 7:30pm because she only gets to see him from 7:30am to 8:40am. An hour and 10 minutes. That's all she gets to see of him. So far this week, she has seen him for a total of 3 hours and 30 minutes. That's 3.5/72 hours! That's insane! No wonder she tells me she misses him constantly. If he worked 9am-5pm, Monday-Friday again, he'd get to see her before and after school, not one or the other, and he'd get the full weekend to spend with her. She needs more time with him. We'd all be so much better off and no doubt happier if Jordan was back on set hours/days. He is wanting to get a new job now but as he is trying to move into an entirely new career field, he has been feeling too scared to actually apply for many jobs. He has applied for a few but not heard back from any of them. That definitely hasn't helped his confidence. Still, we're trying to encourage him and hopefully he'll get a new Monday-Friday job soon and our lives can start to improve. It's nice knowing what the root cause of our issues is now but until Jordan manages to get a new job, there isn't much we can do to improve things sadly. Fingers crossed we won't be in this rut for much longer.

Until next time,
Alli xo

Monday, 25 March 2019

10 things I want.

It's Monday again which means a new week is here and I want to start by touching on my post from last Friday, just a teeny bit. It was very full on and pretty hate and anger filled, mainly towards myself. It essentially contained a lot of the toxins I feel are in my life on a day to day basis. I wanted to start this week off more positive but it's a bit hard to go from a post like that to one that's all happy and essentially fake. So, instead I've decided to do a short post detailing 10 things I want in life right now. Some of these are totally far fetched and never going to happen, some are plausible and some are so silly and little but pretty achievable. So here we go, 10 things I want.

  1. To rid myself of depression, negativity and toxicity. 
  2. To win the lottery so I can solve not only my own financial problems, but my family and friends financial problems as well. (I especially want to help my parents pay off their mortgage.,as well as buy our first family home, get married and travel back to Australia to visit my family.)
  3. To be able to walk down my hallway without having to step over things or squeezed passed them.
  4. To be skinny and fit. 
  5. To be mentally, emotionally and physically healthy. 
  6. To finish my novel and be a more dedicated, disciplined and focused writer.
  7. Touching on number 6, I want my own writing desk.
  8. I want Jordan and the kids to be happy and healthy and to believe in themselves and to grow, succeed and follow their dreams without the limitations of self doubt and loathing that I've experienced for years. 
  9. I really want a dog.....or 2.....and no cats. 
  10. I want life to be a little bit easier. For example: If I clean the house, I'd really love it if my family could keep it clean for a little more than 24 hours. 

When I first sat down to write this post, I actually thought I would struggle to think of 10 things I wanted at this point in time but actually I had a harder time limiting it to 10 things. Because, I want so much more than just the materialist things like more money, a proper house, a beautiful wedding etc. I want to be happy....happier. I want to have a good nights sleep. I want to wake up and not feel tired. I want to get through an entire day without stressing out about anything. I want to be able to play with my kids and not struggle to catch my breath. I want to have the confidence to put myself out there. I want to improve on skills I'm trying to learn, like drawing and writing. I want to support small streamers, writers, artists etc. I want to help them pursue and achieve their dreams. I want their support too. I want to make life easier for my family whilst not adding more burden to my own. I want to help my friend get his own place and meet a nice girl (because I know that's what he really wants). I want the world to be a safer place. I want do more for our planet. I want to be greener. I want to smile and it not be fake. I want to write more positive posts and not feel the need to have a huge rant post like last week. I want to be the best role-model for my kids that I can be. I want them to be happy. My family is my entire world and I want to be so much more for them. I love them so much. I want to want all these things and to not feel so guilty about wanting them. Some things may come with time, hard work and perseverance, others may not. This is life and we can't have everything. 

Anyway, until next time,
Alli xo

Sunday, 24 March 2019

Friday, 22 March 2019

A very negative but much needed vent thread that may offend some people.

TGIF! Now it's truth time. I am so sick of being judged. I am so sick of constantly feeling worthless. I am so sick of the second guessing every decision I make. I am so sick of pretending to be something I'm not just because people get upset or offended by the real me. Well, grow the F-Train up. My depression is hugely stemming from my incessant need to please people. I'm part Monica, I'll admit to that. 

I am fat! That fact makes me lazy. Lazy because I have less energy to do most things because it requires more energy for me to just move. Something a lot of skinny people seem to forget. I am dripping in sweat from the five minute school run I just did. I feel and look disgusting. I am fat. I am lazy. I am self-destructive. I know I'm fat and getting fatter yet my F'd up brain keeps shovelling the chocolate and sugary treats down my throat. I refuse to weigh myself but I feel my clothes getting tighter again. I want to stop but at the same time, I've given up all hope on myself. Any time something good happens for me, life throws a mouldy, rotten lemon at me and laughs manically. I had lost 7kg and then my father-in-law passed away and my natural instinct to deal with the pain was to eat. The emotional abuse I endured for years, still affects me to this day as it hard-wired my brain to see food as my only comfort. Back then, it was my only comfort. So I eat and eat and eat. And it's all crap. I avoid healthy meals because it feels like a lie. A false sense of hope. If I eat a salad and make a step towards being better, life will pull down it's pants and take a dump on me. So why bother? I might as well settle into this destructive life of being a fatty mcfatpants. In January, I thought there was hope for change; hope for a new me. February bought old pain as well as new pain; nothing but pain and now, in March, I've just given up entirely. Life is short, eat the cake and all that crap. What's the point in even trying anymore? I'm a quitter. Always have been. 

I've quit every serious relationship I've ever had (with the exception of Jordan). Although, in my defence, the first one cheated on me and the next two ended up being emotionally abusive. Jordan's the only healthy relationship I've ever had and even we're not remotely perfect. I quit when things get hard. I quit university because my course sucked and wasn't remotely close to what I wanted to do. I quit my life in Australia because I was in a rut and I gave it all up to be with a horrible man. Only good thing was he gave me Vala before trapping me here forever. I suppose without him trapping me here, I wouldn't have met Jordan and subsequently had Flynn so I guess I should thank him for being such a controlling arse. I've quit my dreams more times than I can remember. I quit my novel because editing sucks and I hate it. I quit learning a new skill because I dared to put myself out there with it and ended up feeling stupid for it. I quit taking care of myself because I'm a piece of crap and I hate myself. I quit losing weight because let's face it, I'm a lazy sack of excrement who is doomed to be a fatty forever. I can't go home and have everyone see me like this, that'll just give them more ammunition to talk about what a pathetic loser I really am. God, my mum must be so embarrassed and ashamed of me. I wonder what she tells her friends about me? "Laura's just had her second baby, owns her own home and has this nice little part time job. Beth is expecting her first baby, owns her own home, is getting married this November and is running her dad's company with her fiancé. Alli? She's a stay-at-home mum." I mean, what else could she possibly tell her friends about me? That I was writing a novel but then gave up because editing require more attention, focus and discipline than I have been willing to give? That I sit around playing video games because I'm an immature woman-child who isn't grown up or responsible enough to have children? There is nothing positive about who I am. I'm just lying to myself and all of you by saying that I'm trying to get better. That ship sailed long ago and I missed it because I was sitting on my fat arse. God, I hate myself so much!

I am so sick of everyone judging me, you fuel my depression! You fuel my self-destructive behaviour. You fuel my hatred of myself. And by you, I'm not necessarily talking about you guys reading this, though, I don't actually know who reads this pile of crap I call a blog, so for all I know, someone who does make me hate myself more could be reading this. If they do, get off your high horse. Just because you're further along than I am, doesn't mean you know better than me! Just because you're more advanced in life, or at a hobby, or with losing weight, or whatever I'm trying to pursue, doesn't mean you can talk down to me. Just because I view myself as a useless, worthless sack of poop doesn't automatically mean you're better than me. 

I am Australian. It is part of our day to day vocabulary to swear like sailors. To us, swearing isn't offensive because words like 'shit' are used as adjectives to describe how bad something is. Swearing is our way of expressing ourselves and it's one of the biggest things I get judged for. I have to try so hard to curb my language when talking in an environment that I should feel comfortable to be myself in. Obviously, I wouldn't swear at my daughters school, or around my in-laws or at the doctors or a job interview etc etc but if I'm at home or I'm out with a friend or even on bloody twitter, what I say is my business and it's me expressing who I am. It's me not being ashamed of my Australian heritage. It's what I grew up with. It is normal for me. It's not like I go out of my way to scream the F word at the top of my lungs in public, no, I calmly use cuss words in general conversation with people close to me. And Twitter. Twitter is the platform where I feel I can be the most "me". I can showcase my immature, childish nature and not give a crap who gets offended. I can vent, I can cuss, I can geek out, I can be totally open. I can tell whoever I want to go shove it. So when people come onto my Twitter and get offended by what I write, that pisses me off. I don't go by my real name on Twitter, or even use my kids names. I am Netirial, Jordan is Dante and the kids are Bug and Brew Baby (although Flynn is slowly being renamed to Monster as he isn't a baby anymore). I'm not trying to be professional, I'm not trying to make friends or contacts. I'm going by my online persona so that I can express the real me without it affecting real world issues. If I ever get off my lazy backside and finish my novel, I'll probably use a different Twitter account to promote it. When I can be bothered to promote this blog, I use my gamermumchronicles Twitter account to promote it, not my regular account. I may be a lot of things but I'm not stupid. I know things I say on Twitter could negatively impact my "image" or whatever so I keep these aspects of my life separate. I have my personal twitter account, my blog twitter account and a joint gaming twitter account with Jordan where we used to promote our streams before I gave up on streaming. And as I said, IF I ever finish the novel and publish it, I will create a whole new Twitter account to promote it. Not only that, but on the extremely rare chance that it actually does well and people start buying it (I know it'll never happen but seriously, all I have left are dreams so don't even try and take them away from me), then I would probably privatise my personal Twitter account so that I could continue to be me without people seeing a side of me that they don't like and it negatively effecting my work. Because again, I'm not that stupid. 

Maybe one day I'll be treated with a little more respect from people. I doubt it but again, all I have left are dreams. Maybe once people get off their high horses and stop looking down on me all the live long day, I'll stop hating myself so much and maybe I'll even start working hard to be a better version of myself. But again, I'm not holding my breath. People are the worst. I used to be an extrovert that was full of life, with an amazing personality that radiated out of me and made the people around me happy. But then I let too many toxic people into my life and they robbed me of my happiness. They robbed me of my spirit. They took all I had, used me, abused me and crushed me down into the dirt like a worthless piece of garbage. And now here I stay. Hating myself because of what other people did to me. They F'd my brain so hard I still believe that I don't deserve better than the abuse they gave me. I believe I'm a worthless, waste of carbon because they treated me that way. I hate myself because they told me (some of them literally) that I didn't deserve to be loved or happy. They told me I was a horrible person because I couldn't get any flatter in the ground to let them walk all over me. I hate those people and I hate myself and I hate pretending to be someone else just to make these same poisonous arseholes happy! 

I have held so much of this in for far too long and it is like venom coursing through my veins, slowly killing me over time. I feel nothing but anger and resentment now and for once, it's not just at myself. I'm NOT sorry if this post offended any of you. This shit needed to come out and if you have such a problem letting me express just how fucked in the head I really am, then stop reading this blog. I don't force you to read this crap. This isn't a Clockwork Orange situation, where I'm forcing your eyes open to read this blog. Don't like my posts? Go find another blog to follow because I am done trying to please a mass of people who don't give two shits about me. I'm done now. I'm ending this super long vent thread and going to drown my hatred and sorrows in half a block of chocolate because I'm a pathetic, fat, piece of scum. 

I'll try to me more "positive" next post.
Alli xo. 

Wednesday, 20 March 2019

Nothing new.

Hello everyone, it's hump day Wednesday again and I have nothing new to blog about. My life is the same old rutty bore that it's become and I'm genuinely depressed about how dull and boring life is at the moment.

I will keep this post short and sweet because honestly, I don't have anything new to talk about. Flynn is 15 months old today and is as cheeky and mischievous as ever. Still not walking but climbing everything! Vala is doing well at school and now does football and swimming lessons on Tuesday afternoons. Hopefully she will move up to level 2 in swimming soon and that will see her classes change to a different time and day. Football is also just a 5 week after school programme and she only has 2 more sessions to go. Next month she'll be starting a 6 week "Learn to Skate" ice-skating programme which she is very excited about. Jordan is being his usual lazy, set in his ways self and that has been creating some friction between us recently.

I've been actively trying to improve myself, my routine and my health to help our family, improve our lives and to try and get us out this rut we're currently in. Jordan said there were changes he needed to make as well but unfortunately I am the only one making any conscious effort to change. He is supposed to be applying for new jobs but keeps finding excuses not to and he's really not making my attempts to improve any easier by not breaking out of his old habits with things like; dumping his dirty dishes next to the sink instead of cleaning them after use. We made an agreement, whoever cooks dinner, the other person does the dishes after. Yet, every time I cook the dinner, the dishes get left and I usually end up cleaning them the next day or nagging Jordan relentlessly until he does them. It is frustrating but he keeps saying that "old habits die hard". I've not played any video games in a full week and this is the first time I've even been on my computer in five days! So it's obvious to see that I am trying really hard to make a change but unfortunately, I've got nothing to show for it. Those five days, I have been sick and cleaning the house. I've been cleaning the same three rooms every day because Jordan, Vala and Flynn do not keep it clean. They do not help make my job any easier and no matter how much I nag and cry in a corner, I don't feel I get through to them. Flynn I don't expect to be tidy and helpful obviously but I expect a little more from Vala and Jordan.

But anyway, this post ended up being longer and more of a rant than I had anticipated. I'm going to go and wash up last night dishes now. I made a slow cooker chicken, gravy and mash potato dinner that Vala had a melt down over when we made her try some. I made dinner but yet still have the dishes to wash up as they weren't done by Jordan last night. *sighs* Old habits, die hard.

Until next time,
Alli xo 

Monday, 18 March 2019

Change is hard.

Happy Monday afternoon everyone. Sorry for the lack of a Friday post but I am currently recovering from a bit of a head cold that knocked me out from Thursday night to Sunday. I still feel a little groggy but well enough to try phase two of changing my lifestyle: adjusting my sleep schedule/creating a morning routine.

And as the title probably gives away, I am struggling already. I went to bed before midnight last night, set my alarm for 7am and then proceeded to toss and turn for a good couple of hours. I did however, force myself out of bed at 7:05am today. I usually get up at 7:45am on a school day but my plan today was to allow myself 30-45 minutes of me time before getting the kids up. I wanted to be able to sit down and eat breakfast calmly with a cup of coffee while writing out a daily to do list and then wash my face and do things that normally happen after the school run. But, the kids that I usually have to rouse at 7:45am decided that mummy getting out of bed 40 minutes early meant they were allowed to be very bright eyed and bushy tailed. I spent my morning trying to navigate around Jordan as he took care of the kids breakfasts and dishes and ended up drinking half my coffee to the sounds of Vala singing Let It Go from the top of her lungs whilst intermittently trying to whistle. My morning wasn't calm or relaxing and nothing about it was "me time".

I did manage to get stuff for myself done though. First thing I did after waking was drink a cold glass of water, take my multivitamin and properly wash and moisturize my face. Then I ate breakfast and had half the coffee before getting Vala ready for school. Once she was ready and Jordan was dressing Flynn, I got dressed, brushed my teeth, hair and even put on a little bit of make up. I wanted to feel good about spending time getting myself ready for the day but when I looked in the mirror before leaving, I felt like it was all for nothing. I had still broken out into a sweat and despite washing, moisturizing and making my face up, I still looked like a tired, haggered mess. Even my hair which I spent more than 30 seconds on, looked as though I'd just hauled my arse outta bed. I looked no different or better than when I rush to get myself ready in the last 5 minutes before the school run. It felt like a waste of time that I could've spent sleeping. Especially since I ended up being more stressed than normal as well. But at least I'd done enough to ensure myself lots of energy right? Wrong. Despite the multivitamin, the cup of coffee and the protein porridge giving me a good start to the day, by 10:45am (15 mins after we put Flynn down for his morning nap) I was a zombie and fell asleep sitting up on the sofa. I tried so hard to stay awake but by 11:30am I gave up and went back to bed for a nap. Flynn woke up at 1:20pm and whilst I'm grateful for the nap, I still feel drained and exhausted. Changing my routine is going to take a ridiculously long time, especially when trying to change it to improve myself, I still have to work it around Jordan and the kids.

So long story short, I attempted to give myself 30-45 minutes of me time this morning, as a start of a new morning routine but my, usually hard to wake kids, decided that even early in the morning, mummy isn't allowed any quiet time to herself. Thanks fam.

I'm now going to end this pointless, rant filled post and force some lunch into me. I'm not hungry and it's later than I'd normally eat lunch but everything is outta whack today so whatever.

Until next time,
Alli xo

Sunday, 17 March 2019

Wednesday, 13 March 2019

Camp NaNoWriMo

We're not quite half way through March yet but last week I received an email regarding Camp NaNoWriMo. Camp starts next month and I've decided to participate again in hopes of getting back into the swing of a writing routine. That being said, I'm not holding my breath that I'll actually develop much of routine throughout April.

I had made a decision about the small project I was going to work on but since then I've had many doubts and other ideas. Originally, I had decided to write a rough epilogue of my sequel novel as I've had an idea for it rattling around my brain for a while now. However, after joining a camp cabin and talking with a fellow camper, I've been reminded of the short story based on mine, Jordan's and my friend Adam's Subsistence characters that I said I was going to write a couple weeks back. He made me think that maybe I should use camp to write that story out rather than one connected to my main universe. So I considered changing plans to write that but then I realised that I've not written out my first draft for the epilogue and the prologue for my first novel yet. I wanted to work on those whilst editing the second draft but now I'm kinda tempted to draft them out now.

So, I don't actually know which small project to work on next month. Camp NaNoWriMo is meant to be small projects/goals that we set for ourselves so there is no rule saying that I can't work on multiple projects during the month but I don't want to overload myself or bite off more than I can chew. I've got the rest of the month to pick which project I want to work on and get myself prepared for Camp NaNoWriMo, and honestly, I'm looking forward to getting back into the swing of writing again.

Until next time,
Alli xo

Monday, 11 March 2019

The clean out is on!

Happy Monday everyone! That's slightly more positive than I currently feel but I'm running with it. I am absolutely exhausted right now but my determination levels are at a rare high today. Ever since the funeral last Thursday, I've permanently been an exhausted pigeon. All that crying really did a number on me. Despite being so tired and desperate for more sleep right now, I've got it in my mind to push through. So I'm starting the big clean up of both the house and my life.

I'm writing this post out quickly while Flynn is still awake and playing with his toys at my feet. However in 10 minutes time, he'll be going down for his morning nap and the cleaning will commence. I've been for a morning walk with Flynn and picked up a bunch of new cleaning supplies from the supermarket. For whatever reason, buying new cleaning products always motivates and excites me to clean. I wanted to start in the kitchen and to do a massive deep clean but when I returned home to find one of the cats had thrown up on the living room floor, my priority has changed. Living room will get sorted first. Jordan is off Wednesday so I'll have help with the cleaning and hopefully more will get done, until then, I'm soloing this endeavour.

It's not just the house that I'm hoping to give a clean up. I'm hoping to give my life a bit of a clean too. Ever since my ex-father-in-law's passing, I've been playing World of Warcraft heavily, to help me deal with my grief (escaping reality is my coping mechanism). I had a Draenei Paladin at level 35 and I randomly decided to start playing on her again. It really helped distract me from my grief so I kept levelling her, determined to get her to the max level of 120. Well, after three and a half weeks, I successfully got her to max level. At 12:08am last night, she hit max and I logged off happy that I'd accomplished something. I did decide a few days ago though, that once she was at max level, I'd take a break from gaming for a few weeks to focus on real life stuff. I want to get the first draft of my novel edited finally! Camp NaNoWriMo is on next month and I need to work out what project I'm working on for that. I was going to start the epilogue for my sequel novel, but I still have that short story based on mine, Jordan's and my friend Adam's Subsistence characters to write out. I'm hoping Camp NaNoWriMo will help get me back into a writing routine. So whilst I've said I'm going to take a break from gaming, I do plan on jumping on every so often, once the kids are in bed, just to do a couple of things quickly. I won't be properly playing but more doing an in game task and then jumping off again.

But anyway, I'm rambling now. It's time for Flynn to go down for his nap and for me to start deep cleaning the house. First the house and then my life. The clean out is on!

Until next time,
Alli xo

Sunday, 10 March 2019

Friday, 8 March 2019

Goodbye Tim

It may be Friday today but the mood is still pretty sombre in our household. Yesterday we travelled 3 hours (one way) to say our final goodbyes to an incredible man.

Tim, Vala's grandfather and my (ex-)father-in-law was loved by so many and that became apparent as we arrived at the funeral yesterday. The chapel was overcrowded! The family was incredibly touched by the turn out. I immediately choked up as we arrived at the chapel because standing either side of the entrance, creating a wall leading inside, was 40 postmen and women, colleagues of Tim. They stood 20 aside and silently stood tall to pay their respects. They stayed for the entire funeral which was an hour and a half long; 30 minutes longer than anticipated. They all delayed their postal runs, planning to complete them after the final.

The service was incredibly beautiful and moving. I cried so much and my heart ached. Vala sat with her dad for the service but as we left, following the coffin, I caught sight of Vala with her aunt; she was holding back tears. After we exited the chapel, Vala came running over with tears running down her face. She was starting to understand what was going on. She was very brave at the cemetery though, helping her dad drop a rose into the grave and also dropped some rose petals in with me. Together we said our goodbyes and returned to the chapel for the wake.

Jordan was my rock throughout the day. He held me and comforted me and gave support to many others, including Vala's dad. I'm so grateful he was able to get the day off work and for doing the long drive to and from so that we could say goodbye. Now the healing process can begin. I fear there are still many tears to be shed from me but I'm glad I was able to get some closure. Now I can start to heal.

Until next time,
Alli xo
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Wednesday, 6 March 2019

Weight-Loss Journey: 2 Months In.

It's Wednesday. It's March. That must mean I'm two months into my weight-loss journey right? Wrong! Well technically, yes but also wrong. I've snuffed it again. Ever since my (ex-)father-in-law passed away, I haven't done a single thing to help myself lose weight. In fact, I have literally done the opposite.

For the first couple of days after Tim's passing, I was straight up comfort eating. I didn't know how else to cope in that time. Since then however, I haven't been able to resume my weight-loss plans. I'm still in the denial stage of grief at the moment and I'm hoping that the funeral tomorrow will give me the closure I need. We all knew Tim didn't have long left but the last time I saw him he was happy, albeit very tired, he held Flynn and had lengthy conversations with us etc, that it's just hard for me to accept that he went from that to now gone forever. I still hear his voice in my head. Just phrases he used to say and him talking about driving and how bad traffic can be (which was always the conversation starter he'd have with Jordan). Every time his voice pops into my head, the pain returns to my heart and I end up comfort eating. Nothing triggers the voice, just occasionally it's there. It's my brain not accepting reality and that's why I feel tomorrow is so important to help me get the closure I need. I'm hoping that once I have gone through the final stage of grief, acceptance, that I'll finally be able to get back on track with things like my weight-loss journey. I've not weighed myself in two weeks but I know I've put on weight. I've not exercised since the day before Tim's passing and the amount of chocolate I've comfort ate will definitely be getting snug around my thighs right about now. 

Need to get back on track but I need to sort out these other issues first. Need to finish grieving and then I can finally move on. Hopefully next month I'll be able to provide a more positive weight loss update. 

Until next time,
Alli xo 

Monday, 4 March 2019


Monday is here again and as I touched on in my last post, so is March which means I'm ready for life to change...again. With everything that went on last month, I found myself feeling quite immature and basically not much like an adult. I kept saying that I needed to get better at "adulting". What is adulting though? Well according to Urban Dictionary...

fake word used by idiots (millennials mainly), in an attempt to turn the adjective adult into a verb in a feeble attempt to describe if a person is actually an adult or behaves in an adult manner and thus doing the things any responsible adult with an average or above IQ can handle.

So yeah, straight off the bat I am proving my immaturity and apparently idiocy by simply using the term adulting. Screw it, I'm immature and I'm going to keep using the word, don't @ me bro.

I have been thinking though, what really constitutes being an adult or adulting? Well, I've narrowed it down to three categories and I'm setting myself little goals to try and achieve things from each of the categories. Category one...

Financial responsibility.

Ok, probably starting off with the most obvious one here but whatever. Taking care of your finances and being financially responsible is probably the most grown up and mature thing you can do right? Budgeting your earnings and your expenses and trying to save money for important things is a big step for people moving out of their adolescence and into their twenties. I should have been a lot more financially responsible than I have been up until this point. I admit, I'm bad at saving, I splurge on unnecessary crap and I spend way too much money on eating out/ordering in. However, I am trying to get better. The only good thing I've done with my finances for years is that I have always paid my bills on time. Proud to say that I have never had a single late bill. Small victories right? I still have credit card debt though and struggle to save money but I'm working on it. In January I started a proper budget though, created a "Help to Save" account and also set aside a second savings account which I've managed to keep a little bit of money in. The help to save account is to help us save for our first home whereas the second account is for things like the wedding, a family holiday or sudden expensive emergencies like the car breaking down for example. There isn't much in it yet but with my new budget, I should hopefully be able to get more money in there and keep it in there.

Healthy living. 

The second thing I have classed as a category of adulting is healthy living. This includes a range of basic things like: having a proper routine, eating right, drinking plenty of water, exercising regularly, getting enough sleep, getting organised etc etc. This is just general day to day stuff but as teens, we tend to throw caution to the wind and neglect our physical health. I for one know that I was terrible as a teen; staying up all night playing video games and chugging down multiple cans of energy drinks and alcohol. Sadly, some of those habits have been hard to shake. I have always been a night owl and shamefully still stay up until at least 2am playing video games. (I don't chug down copious amounts of energy drinks and alcohol now though thankfully.) I do wish I was more of a morning person but I just love the night too much. Every time I try and go to bed at a normal, before midnight time, I always feel like I'm missing out on fun and I can't actually get to sleep. However, I am also trying to get into a better routine. If I'm going to be a night owl, then fine, maybe there are some things that I can't change but I can at least try and improve. So I'm trying to force myself to bed at midnight instead of 2am. Once I manage that I want to change my morning alarm from 7:30am to 7am instead. In that extra 30 mins in the morning I'm hoping to create a proper morning routine that allows me time to have breakfast before school, wash my face, actually brush my teeth and generally get a bunch of basic things done that I don't usually do until after Vala has gone to school. I'm hoping once I manage to get into a proper sleep routine of 12am-7am that the 7 hours of sleep will help me get through the day without the need for a nap and that hopefully my energy and productivity levels will start to improve, therefore improving my overall physical, mental and emotional health. Other people my age can do it so why are Jordan and I still stuck in our teenage years and struggling to take proper care of ourselves? Self care is important and yet I suck at it!

Looking the part.

My third category is of simple vanity . One thing that I have observed from adults and teens is that there are obvious visual differences in the way they present themselves and their homes. Teens are more likely to go out without brushing their hair, wearing ripped clothes that they've worn for 3 consecutive days whereas adults (with the exception of most stay-at-home parents) tend to be more groomed with clean clothes that get washed after just one use. That isn't always the way of course but it is more common for adults to be seen as more presentable than teens. The same goes for their environment. Teens will have messy bedrooms, clothes all over the place, maybe some rubbish lying about as well whereas adults tend to be good at general cleaning and keeping their homes looking neat and tidy. Yeah, Jordan and I are not those kinds of adults. Our house is always a mess, even when we clean it. Our bed is never made and there are clothes on the floor of every single room in our house. I wish I was kidding but I'm not. There is even clothes on our kitchen floor right now at the base of the washing machine, waiting to go in the next load. We are terrible at keeping on top of the housework and we both want to change that. However, I did notice something about our home compared to the homes of other adults and that is ...our stuff. Our plates are all chipped, none of the furniture matches one another, we have more stuff than places to put it and Jordan and I are sleeping in a little girls room. When we moved Vala and Flynn into our old room, we painted the room and made it nice for them but we left our room (Vala's old room) the same. We sleep in a room with purple walls, my little pony curtains and on a bed that is actually broken. Even our bedding doesn't scream "adults bedroom" because currently, it's purple plaid, I sleep with a 'V' shape pillow and the bed is never made. I never even gave a second thought about our bedroom or bedding until I saw a photo of my friends kids in her bed. They had pristine white bedding, with thick, soft and fluffy looking pillows and a proper bed head that wasn't broken or covered in melted caramel (thanks Vala). Seeing just my friends bed made me take a second look at so much in our home. Our home looks as though two twenty-one year old students live in it but not that two almost thirty years old parents live here with their two kids. I am genuinely embarrassed and ashamed of how we live. Even more so that our house is this bad and we're renting while our friends are out buying their first homes, buying matching furniture and putting deposits down on brand new kitchens.  If I want to start feeling like a proper adult, I need to start looking like one. 

Those are my three categories of adulting. In my opinion, they cover the three main basis of being a proper adult. You have your general common sense category of being a mature and responsible person with your finances. Your health category that improves both your physical and mental health. And of course your totally vain category that whilst being exactly that; vain, also does help improve your mental and emotional health. When I look like my age and not like I'm nearly thirty year old trying to be a twenty-one year old, I feel a lot better about myself. So I have a lot to work on and I've have so many plans to start work on from this month. However, this post has been long enough so I think I'll save my plans and ideas for another post at another time. Spoilers though, it will include a major spring clean, total overhaul of our lifestyles and a bit of a make over for us and the house. So be sure to keep an eye out for that post when it comes out. Until then, I am going to get off my computer now and trying my hand at some adulting. - Yeah I don't care if it's immature, I like the word and I'm going to keep using it. 

Until next time,
Alli xo 


Sunday, 3 March 2019

Friday, 1 March 2019

Jordan's 29th Birthday

Happy 1st of March everybody! Can you believe we're in March already? I swear the older I get, the faster the years seem to be going. Or maybe that's just because I have kids and I'm now a permanently exhausted pigeon and time is actually moving at a normal pace but I space out so often that it feels like I've blinked and two months have passed. Who knows! But, speaking of getting older, yesterday was Jordan's 29th birthday!

This will be a pretty short post because in a nutshell, we didn't do anything for his birthday. He worked until 7:30pm and didn't get home until just after 9pm. Both kids were already in bed and it was too late to do any proper celebrating. The kids got to give him their present before Vala went to school though, which was probably the highlight of the day. He got his birthday present from me a few weeks ago. He's wanting to learn more programming languages and to improve the skills with coding that he already has. So he asked me if I would get him a series of web books that are like a recipe guide to coding. He's had them about two weeks but been working late shifts so not really had much time to read them. From the kids he just got a big bag of chocolate. He had told me he'd be more than happy with a box of chocolates from the kids but in my opinion, a generic box of chocolates wasn't good enough. So we took it a little further, bought a gift bag and just filled it with a bunch of chocolates that Jordan actually likes. He's got enough chocolate to last him an entire month now.

Other than the gift giving in the morning, the only other nice thing he got was his favourite dinner cooked by me when he got home after work. He streamed in the evening and then came to bed with me around 1am. He was gone when I woke this morning as his shift had changed from an 11am start to a 7:30am start. At least that means he'll be home early today. Vala and I are going to bake him a carrot cake, which is his favourite. Hoping to do something nice with him, to properly celebrate his entrance into the final year of his twenties, over the weekend. Not sure what we'll do yet but knowing Jordan, he'll be happy with whatever we do, so long as we're together. I seriously love this man!

Until next time,
Alli xo