Monday, 25 February 2019

I try, I fail, I try again.

It's Monday again, which means it is the start of a new week and my word, I definitely needed a new week. Last week was a nightmare from day one of the term holidays. I only managed to leave the house once last week and that was for my "stress free weekend" that turned out to be not so stress free. Vala's chickenpox plus Jordan's shifts meant I was trapped in the house with both kids every single day last week and honestly cabin fever was definitely starting to set in.

The only day last week that I could have gone out was Thursday. I had planned to secretly go to the gym. When I say secretly, I mean, I told Jordan that I was just going for a walk to get some fresh air, when in reality I had my gym bag packed and hiding by the front door. I only kept that detail hidden from Jordan because I knew he would make a big deal out of me going to the gym. Not a bad big deal but the opposite; an overly supportive big deal. He'd try and hype me up and be overly encouraging and tell me he was proud of me etc and I didn't want that because I didn't want to turn me going to the gym into a big spectacle. I've not been going because I feel so much pressure to go and it overwhelms me. So I'd planned to go in secret. Anyway, I managed to leave the house but not the street because I got the call about Vala's grandad passing away before I'd even reached the end of the road. I immediately turned back and returned home and then I remained stuck in the house until today when I was able to take Vala to school. (Thank you chickenpox for healing in time for school to go back!)

Now you're probably wondering what the blog title is all about, given the nonsense I've sprouted so far but the title is in relation to my weight-loss journey. As you'd expect being trapped in a house with two kids all week, not a whole of exercise was done. I did manage to Zumba once during the week but it was stressful. Vala joined me and the whole 45 minute workout consisted of her jumping around, bumping into me, demanding I look at her instead of the instructors on the TV and narrowly avoiding getting a concussion from my toning sticks as I tried to follow the routine with her jumping around me. Not only that but Flynn has become quite a Denis the Menace lately and to stop him causing mischief while I worked out, I put him in his high chair. This resulted in him screaming at me for 45 minutes and actually freeing himself from the straps and standing up in the highchair! So after that stressful workout session, I vowed to never attempt to do it again with both kids around.

So my activity was down last week but then my calorie intake also went up. I had tried to stay good at the beginning but as soon as I got the call from Vala's dad, I immediately turned to food for comfort. I knew I was comfort eating but I didn't care. I'm still in the denial stage about my father-in-law's passing and I've been finding it difficult to grieve. I know denial is one of the stages of grief but I haven't been able to move on from it yet. I couldn't leave the house, Jordan was at work every day, both kids were being handfuls, Flynn especially so, and I didn't know how else to cope. So I dove head first into World of Warcraft to give my brain something to focus on when I didn't have to be focused on the kids and I tucked into a lot of chocolate and comfort foods to try and numb the pain. I don't regret doing it but I do know it wasn't necessarily the best way to handle the situation. As a result of the extensive comfort eating and lack of exercise, I chose not to weigh myself on my usual weigh in day, as I knew I would definitely have gained and I didn't need more negativity to end the week on.

But as I said, this week is a new week and whilst I'm not at all over the news of my father-in-laws passing (which is evident from me breaking down in tears in the middle of Vala's classroom as I told her teacher Vala would be absent one day for the funeral), I am ready to try and get back on my weight-loss path. I had hoped to go to the gym this morning before Jordan left for work but it does seem like the universe doesn't want me to go. Literally seconds after I made the decision to go the gym last night, I slipped on some clear cat vomit that was in the doorway of our kitchen and I badly buckled my bad knee. I don't usually cry when I hurt myself but the pain was so bad, tears were coming despite me trying to hold them back. I was seriously, walking out of the kitchen to ask Jordan if he wouldn't mind taking me to the gym and the universe thought 'we can't have that now can we' and suddenly I was injured. I said if it didn't hurt to walk come morning, I'd still go. So the universe tried again and this time kept Flynn up and crying, talking, playing, crying some more, until a little after 4am this morning. When my alarm went off at 7:30am my head hurt so bad. My body ached all over, my eyes burned and I generally felt quite sick. So long story short, I didn't end up going to the gym today. I did try and nap once I put Flynn down for his morning nap but my body is all sorts of messed up today. I'm extremely tired, emotional and just generally feeling run down. But I'm tracking my calorie intake again now and hopefully tomorrow I will strong enough to attempt a Zumba workout.

So yeah, who'd have thought a single week could throw all my efforts into chaos? I tried being healthy, more active and losing weight and last week I definitely failed; but I'm here to try again. Here's hoping the next few weeks are a little kinder to me. Fingers crossed.

Until next time,
Alli xo

1 comment:

  1. Sometimes life just gets in the way.
    You'll get there - on all counts.
    Grief can take a while to kick in, but you just have to handle it however is best for you, and in a case as extreme as this, *no one* has a right to tell you that you're handling it wrong.