Thursday, 7 February 2019

February.

I did it again - lost track of what day of the week we were on. Apologise for the late post, I woke up today thinking it was Wednesday. My blog title doesn't exactly explain what this post is about other than what month we're currently in. That is because this month is a very up and down month for me and I never really know how to feel throughout February.


On the positive side of things, February is the month my dad, mum, older sister and beloved fiancé were all born. That should make me happy right? Well, I can only celebrate with one of those four people; Jordan. Every year I send my family members Moonpig cards in an effort to show them that I haven't forgotten their birthday. But that's all I get to do. I can't afford to send thoughtful gifts and I can't spend the day with them. So I always feel a bit meh on their birthdays now. Jordan's is the only day I feel somewhat happy on and that's only if I manage to make the day special for him. Last year he was working most the day so Vala and I made him a cake and I planned a little gathering with out friends to celebrate. However, this was the same time that "The Beast from the East" hit the UK and our gathering had to be called off due to the trains all being cancelled because of snow. I felt like I had failed to make the day special for Jordan and it made me feel crap. I wanted him to feel special and important and to have a fun day and instead all he got was a cake after a long work day. He was more than happy with that and reminded me its the thought that counts but I still felt like he deserved more. I'm hoping to make up for it this year.

Onto the more negative side of this month, last year I wrote about what Valentines Day really means to me. You can find that post HERE. If you don't have time to read two blog posts of mine today, to sum up, Feb 14th is the day my nan passed away. I was very close to her and was the first of my siblings to wake up that morning, only minutes after my mum had received the news. I got the full brunt of my mothers grief as she cradled me in her arms like a baby and cried with me. It's a traumatic memory that I have never ever forgotten. It is etched into my brain and even as I write this, I am tearing up, reliving that morning in my head. For that reason, I have never been able to celebrate Valentines Day; and honestly, for a couple of years now, I've really wished I could. It's so silly, I'm not into the commercialisation of the day and I don't need one specific day to show Jordan how much I love him but for some reason I just feel like it would mean that little bit more if we did do something on Valentines Day. Like a dinner out would feel somewhat more romantic because of what day it was. I always try to find new ways to show Jordan how much he means to me and how much I love him and for the last couple of years, I've wanted to surprise him on Valentines Day. He knows how horrible the day usually is to me so in my head, pushing passed that pain to display a declaration of my love would be all the more meaningful. Jordan doesn't need that though. He know he is special and important to me and he knows how much I love him. I tell him every single day. But I can't shake this feeling - I want to do something for him, I just don't know what.

Anyway, between birthdays I miss, a birthday I try to make special and a day that haunts me forever, February is a really confusing month for me emotionally. I find myself in a total state of..... "sjbdfiyabpisbdjhsbguesb". That is a state of scrambled egg brain. I don't know how I feel. I don't know what to think. Half the time, I don't even know what to do. It's like February is a giant smog cloud and I just walk blindly through it until I emerge in March. I want to try and change this funk I get into every February but I'm not sure how to. It's something I need to work on.

Until next time,
Alli xo
This entry was posted in

0 comments:

Post a comment