Tuesday, 15 January 2019

Pursuing the new me.

Happy Tuesday everyone, just sliding in with a post today because this was supposed to come out last Friday but I was busy and stressed and completely forgot. I just wanted to touch base and touch on what's been going on as I pursue the "new me".

First thing I've found is that it's a lot harder than I thought it would be. I mean, I knew it was going to be hard but every single day has been an internal struggle with myself. Because Jordan is off work for most of this month, I've been focusing so much of my attention on myself and the internal battle is guilt. The guilt keeps festering and the demon thoughts in my brain that caused my PND keep telling me that I'm being incredibly selfish spending all this time, money and energy on me rather than my family. The constant battle has made me more snappy with my family which in turn makes me feel even worse. I don't want to snap at them and be as irritable as I have been but I am fighting a huge battle that they cannot see or even begin to comprehend and it's easy for me to get frustrated.

Despite my battles with guilt, I have managed to do some things for myself, like having a day out with my bestie where we got lunch, goodies and quite a few drinks and I've spent money on things to improve my mood like a lavender scented candle and just today I bought stuff to make Strawberries and Cream truffle cupcakes. I'm looking forward to doing some baking by myself and not having to worry about Vala try to take control over everything.

Besides little things like that, I've also finished the first draft of my novel and am now working on editing it. I've also put myself out there and applied for a position of a collaboration writer. A lovely woman is creating an artbook and wants 12 writers to create stories for the characters she draws for the book. Character development and lore is my jam so I threw my hat into the ring. Unfortunately, so did 50+ other people, most of whom have more writing experience and better qualifications so I'm not holding onto much hope of being one of the 12 lucky candidates. But I still applied. I still put my name down and if I do get chosen then this is a huge opportunity for me and a great place to start building a professional portfolio for a career as a freelance writer. I could be a stay at home mum AND still earn a proper wage by writing. It could be so great. But I've got to work towards that. And that's what I'm now starting to do. I plan on reading more books and writing book reviews and hopefully getting a few odd jobs writing reviews for other people and building up from there. I would love to some day be able to say I have a career in the writing/literary field. I'd love it even more if I could say I was my own boss .

So whilst I'm trying to kick my PND to the curb and struggling to lose weight, I've also got my sights set on creating a path that will lead me towards a future career. It's a lot to take on and it definitely isnt easy right now but I feel optimistic and I don't want to give up on myself. We'll see what the future holds though.

Until next time,
Alli xo

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