Wednesday, 17 October 2018

Bad breakdowns; Good results?

It has been no secret that I have been struggling with Postnatal Depression for several months now. It is a constant daily struggle, though some days are easier than others. Then I have those days, or sometimes even weeks, where things get really bad and I end up having really bad breakdowns. Like, my body goes into shut down mode and I lock myself away, wrapped in my duvet in a little ball.

I had a very bad week last week and it put a real strain on my relationship with Jordan. My desire to
push him away shoved a wedge between us but we've managed to get through it and have come out stronger for it. I've felt a little better the last couple of days and it seems I've found some clarity from my breakdown. I managed to identify worries that trigger my downfall and I've started planning my life better to work around the issues causing me to lose sleep at night. Issues like our financial situation, for example. I made a budget for next year as my "income" is a set amount and unlikely to change, therefore easy to budget around. I now have a plan to help me save, clear my debt and still have money to live off throughout the month. It is such a great feeling to see how much I could save and how quickly I could clear my credit card. It's seriously motivating and I'm excited about having proper financial control in the future.

Having my budget laid out has also provided clarity to what I'll be able to afford for the wedding because we've finally set a wedding date! Jordan and I plan to wed on the 16th of May 2020, so we've got plenty of time to plan. Knowing the date of our wedding and seeing my finances has also given me a more realistic time frame to lose weight as well. I've started planning out what I want to achieve and how I want to achieve it. Once Flynn is a year old, I will no longer breastfeed. That will allow me to finally start using the Acti-Labs slimming wraps again. I'll be wrapping myself every night to try and get the inches down. Not only that, but I plan to Zumba in my living room 4-5 times a week. I plan to eat cleaner, consume more water and protein and yes, I plan on introducing diet shakes back into my life. Once I feel more confident in myself, I do also plan on returning to the gym and hopefully even hitting the pool once a week. I will have 17 months to lose as much weight as I can for our big day. I gotta say, finally having our wedding date set is a big motivation boost. I have considered starting now to try and maximise my weight loss by the wedding but the next couple of months are the most stressful and expensive time of year. Finances will be extremely tight as I have Halloween, Vala's and Flynn's birthdays, my birthday and Christmas all requiring a lot of money. I will slowly introduced changes to my diet and lifestyle over the next couple of months but ultimately, I just want to try and enjoy the rest of this year, so I'm not going to be too hard on myself.

I still have a long way to go in terms of recovery but with things like my budget and trying to live by
"The One Minute Rule", as mentioned in my previous post, I feel like I am starting to finally regain some control over my life and my sanity. I love to organise and getting everything planned out and organised is making me feel great. I honestly think my journaling is starting to pay off as over the last week, a lot of these epiphanies on how to improve, have been hitting me at bed time as I'm putting pen to paper. I feel so positive right now and I do hope that my days suffering with PND are soon to be behind me. I don't think I'll be out of the woods by the end of the year but hopefully once all the changes happen in the new year, (the dieting, exercising, budgeting etc) that will be when I start to truly recover from this emotional and mental hell I've been going through. I wish this positive feeling would last forever but sadly I know it's only a matter of time before something triggers another break down. For once though, I'm not worried about having another break down because it's in those low moments that my mind seems to be at it's clearest and I understand what I need to do to help myself.

Next year is my year of change and I cannot wait.

Until next time,
Alli xo

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