Friday, 5 October 2018

7 Years.

Bit of a vague title but 7 years is exactly how long I have been in the UK for. On this very day back in 2011, my plane touched down at Manchester airport and I set foot on British ground, ready to start my new life. How young, stupid and naive I was back then. I'd given up my old life for a guy who promised me everything. I believed all my hopes and dreams would come true because we both wanted the same things. Yeah, let's see how that turned out.

My miserable marriage.

I was engaged within one month of being in the UK. Something that made me incredibly happy at the
time. The engagement was very rough though and should've set off a million red flags. We fought so much about every little detail with the wedding. I even threatened to call it off several times. I still have days now where I wonder why I didn't. The wedding day came and I had major doubts but I told myself it was just perfectly normal cold feet. Everything went wrong at the wedding and I didn't enjoy the day until I we able to get majorly drunk with my family. Looking back, I hated my wedding day. 

The wedding was merely the start of the downfall of my life. My husband was nice to me and loving while we tried to conceive but towards the end of my pregnancy, he started acting colder, ruder and never really listened to me, supported me, encouraged or even acted like he cared much. It all got worse after Vala's birth. He became neglectful, manipulative, controlling and emotionally abusive. He wouldn't let me get a job. He wouldn't let me have friends. He controlled all the money and would quiz me any time I asked for some. He belittled me and mocked me when I tried to do anything to improve my life. One day, he went too far and I knew I had to end the marriage for mine and Vala's sake. Only when free of him, did I realise how abusive he'd been and just how broken I was. 

He continued to make the next year of my life hell as he threatened to have Vala taken away from me me every time I tried to do something to improve our lives. He finally gave up several months into my relationship with Jordan when he realised someone else had my back and he couldn't break me the way he used to. Now here I am, with a new life, still waiting on a decree absolute to finally end my miserable marriage and forever close that chapter of my life. Tomorrow is my 6 year wedding anniversary but our marriage didn't even last 2.5 years. This divorce is a long time coming and I am so ready for it. I've wasted too many years being that horrible man's wife. 

Vala.

As bad as it might sound, Vala's the only thing that doesn't make me regret my move to the UK. Sure, I have a wonderful life now but none of this would exist if it weren't for Vala. For the longest time, I did have mixed feelings about Vala though. Don't get me wrong, I have always loved her with all my heart, she's my absolute world - but back in my darkest moments, after her father had moved out and she was spending the weekends with him and I was completely alone, I felt trapped. Because she existed, I could never go home and the thoughts of being alone forever and never seeing my family again festered in the two days I spent either drunk or in bed, waiting for her to come home so I could have an ounce of happiness again. But like I said, if she didn't exist to keep me "trapped" in the UK, I'd have immediately returned to Australia and I would never have met the love of my life; my soul mate and I definitely wouldn't have my beautiful son either.

Vala has grown so much over the years and when I say I couldn't be more proud, I mean it. She has been my beacon in dark times, my lifeboat if you will. When I thought I had nothing left to live for and my mind went to a very dark place, she was the one thing that made me never give up. I fought through my depression to be the best mother for her that I could be. Seeing how much she's developed and the personality she's got, fills my heart with so much love and pride it hurts. Despite the difficult start to life she may have had with her parents splitting up and the aftermath of that, she's become the most loving, friendly and kind-hearted little girl. She is friends with everyone and is an amazing big sister to Flynn. She holds nothing back and loves so fully. She is the best thing to ever happen to me. Yes she came from a man I wish I didn't have to have anything to do with anymore, but because of her, I now have the life I was promised when I moved here. I now have the loving family I have always wanted. She was my destiny. I love her with all my heart and if I had a second chance at life, I'd go through the hell of being with her father again just to have her and my current life again. I wouldn't change a thing.

Jordan.

When I was first introduced to Jordan, I was in another relatively toxic relationship. I mean this guy kept telling me I needed to do more things for myself but then got angry at me and made me feel guilty for having a "me day" because I didn't text him to tell him I was having a me day. Stupid right? Anyway, I wasn't looking for a romantic partner but yet for some reason, I felt drawn towards Jordan. I was physically attracted to him and whenever he was around, I felt extremely happy. He made me laugh so much and I couldn't understand why at the time, but I just wanted some one on one time with him. As my toxic relationship started to fall apart and subsequently end, that desire to have one on one time with Jordan only got stronger. Then one day, I saw he was alone in a voice channel on our group discord server and I got so excited and nervous and I felt like I was going to throw up. I realised in that moment that I was starting to have genuine feelings for Jordan. Feelings I never had for my ex boyfriend. I got up the nerve and joined the voice channel and it just felt so natural. He was so easy to talk to and I just felt like I'd known him a lot longer than 2 months. Eventually I built up the confidence to tell him that I "liked" him and that I wanted more one on one time so invited him to come visit me. That first official meeting is almost indescribable. I never believed in soulmates until that day. It was like something inside me woke up and said "oh there you are, I've been searching for you." I felt this instant connection with him and he felt it too. We both felt as though we'd known each other for most of our lives. It was like we knew each other. We shared our first kiss and my heart raced so fast it melted. I didn't want that moment to end. But it had to sadly and saying goodbye to him the following day as he got back on the train to return to Nottingham actually hurt. I felt like something had been ripped out from inside me and the pain only grew stronger the further the train moved away. I walked home holding back tears; my heart breaking. I was so scared that I would never see him again. I knew in that moment that I needed him in my life and so I messaged him when I got home and asked him to be my boyfriend. He told me he couldn't promise me that he'd be able to commit to me and my heart shattered because it seemed like he was going to turn me down. I told him I didn't want promises, I just wanted him. He told me he felt the same way as me and from that point on, he was my boyfriend. We've been together ever since.

We've both grown so much in the time we've been together and so much has happened. We've only known each other for 3 years and been together for less than that but in that time, we've moved in together, gotten engaged and bought Flynn into the world. I said before that I didn't believe in soulmates before meeting Jordan but I do now. That voice inside me that said "oh there you are, I've been searching for you" was my soul, talking to his soul. They'd finally found their mate. We completed each other and we're still as in love now as we were almost 3 years ago. More so even. My love for Jordan only deepens with each passing day and he still makes my heart race and melt every day. His voice comforts me, his laugh warms me; his hugs sustain me. I could not imagine my life without Jordan and honestly, if I try, I start crying because the thought physically hurts my heart. I'd go through to hell and back for him. He makes me smile every single day; even when I don't want to. We make each other laugh until our faces and bellies hurt and we support each other through everything. He is the man I spent my whole life dreaming of. The perfect partner. The perfect father for my children. To think that our introduction was through sheer chance, lets me know that us being together was fate. I love Jordan with all my heart and I can't wait to some day be his wife. 

Flynn.

Through my perfect partner, came my perfect son. Flynn is kinda like the thread that has sewn our family together. Before him, it was me and Vala, mother and daughter... and Jordan, the step-dad. We were a family but something was missing. Then into the world comes Flynn and ties our family together. Flynn isn't Vala's "half brother", he's her brother. Jordan is Flynn's dad so through shared DNA, Jordan stopped being "step-dad" and became "daddy" to Vala. They may not be of the same blood but through Flynn, they are connected and honestly, Flynn's birth has completed our family. We are DSM Family (mine, Jordan's/Flynn's and Vala's surnames joined together). Flynn is such an amazing little boy and he has no idea just how much he means to all of us. Sure, I may be suffering with postnatal depression and be struggling more than I care to admit some days but Flynn can make none of that matter with a simple smile. Words cannot properly describe how much I love him and how much he completes my life. 

Seeing Vala and Flynn bond together is the most precious thing. They adore each other and my heart feels so full every time I watch them play together. I know it won't last and eventually they'll get to the point where they hate each other and have sibling rivalries like all normal siblings but for the moment, their bond is strong and love for one another undeniable. I know they'll have their squabbles as they grow up but I believe their bond will rekindle when they're adults. Much like the bond I had with my little sister before I moved to the UK. No matter what happens, I know deep down that Vala and Flynn will always have a friend in each other. I do hope to have at least one more child one day I know that Flynn will be an amazing older brother and that Vala will love the new addition just as much as she loves Flynn now. 

Honestly, watching Flynn grow and develop and his bond with his sister blossom, gives me the greatest joy in life right now. I may be struggling with PND but I am eternally grateful for the blessing that Flynn has been not only to my life but to our family as well. 

Last but not least...me.

So I have gone through all the major aspects of the last 7 years... My marriage, the birth of my two children and finding my soulmate - but how has all of that affected me? Well, I am a broken shell of a person. I am weak, damaged, scared, insecure, vulnerable and pretty much altogether useless. When I got onto the plane at Melbourne airport on October 4th 2011, I was the most confident, brave and independent person. I felt no fear and was full of excitement and dreams. My marriage ruined me more than I like to acknowledge. Even after 3.5 years of separation, the damage my ex-husband did still plagues me. I got so complacent with the life he enforced on me that now I don't how to change despite how miserable I am. He wouldn't allow us to have visitors over so I never saw the point in making the house presentable. I kept it as clean as it needed to be for Vala but that was it because what was the point? No one ever got to see the house. Now I'm too afraid to have people come over because I'm still in that broken mindset of what's the point? I do the bare minimum because that's what I've become used to. Somewhere along the way I got so beaten down and broken that I don't know how to be the person I once was. I'm not the person I should be. This person right now, isn't who I truly am. I'm normally a tidy person who keeps a clean house and looks presentable. Now my house can look like a tornado went through it before I bother to do anything about it. I only bother taking care of my appearance when I'm going out and on the days I have no need to go out, I usually don't even get dressed. I lack drive, enthusiasm, motivation, passion etc. I have a lot to work on.

I know the old saying that you can't take care of other if you don't take care of yourself but it is seriously hard for me to care about myself. Ever since Vala was born, I'm not number one priority. I feel selfish for doing anything for myself if it means putting my family out in any way. Even having a long bath makes me feel guilty because I'm leaving Jordan to take care of the kids and if it's his day off work, I feel like I'm taking away his time to rest and recover. I'm overweight and I hate that but I'm too scared to do most exercise, especially if it's in public. I want to change but at the same time, I am scared of change. As I said, I feel like I've been beaten down to the point of being complacent with how things are. Now I'm so scared that changing my life and who I am, will affect my family and maybe not for the better. I don't know exactly what I am afraid of, I just know that I am scared to change. I hate who I am as a person, right now. This is NOT me. I want to be confident, independent and brave again but I honestly don't know how to anymore.

In conclusion.

In closing this post that's ended up being way longer than I anticipated... the last 7 years has changed me more than I thought it would. It may not seem like a long time but to me it feels like an eternity. These 7 years have not only broken me and withered me down to a self-loathing husk but they've also given me exactly what I've always wanted. I came to the UK on the promise of a loving husband and a big happy family and whilst Jordan and I aren't married yet, I finally have that. I do believe that I was destined to end up here. I was destined to have Vala. Her father bought me to the UK, she kept me here and through fate alone, I found Jordan. We're a happy family. Jordan, Vala, Flynn and I are a very happy, loving family and that is all I ever wanted in life. I spent all my teenage years dreaming of what I've got right now and I feel truly, truly blessed. I love my family and whilst there are MANY things I'd change about myself, I wouldn't change a single thing that lead me to them. 

I'm sorry for the long post but all this stuff needed to come off my chest today and I feel better now that it has.

Until next time,
Alli xo.

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