Monday, 27 August 2018

The week that broke me

Hello everyone, I hope you are all well. I must apologise for my absence last week but it was a very tough week for myself and especially Jordan. I am actually writing this post at 12:45am Sunday morning after going through one of the worst low episodes I've ever had. Last week really broke me and here's why...

Trying to be a better mother.

Seems like an unusual thing to break me; surely being a better mother would make you happy right?
Well you're right, it should've made me feel happier because since Vala returned home on Monday night, I've spent every single day doing fun and exciting things with her, trying to rekindle our bond. Trouble is Vala had other ideas and unknowingly kept driving a knife through my heart. Every time we went out and did anything, multitudes of tantrums came with us. She threw a paddy over every single tiny thing she didn't get her way on and it sent my anxiety through the roof and made me feel like I was somehow failing her. Then she kept saying the phrase that dug the knife in deep; "I miss my dad." Here I was, trying my absolute hardest to bond with her, make memories and have fun and all she could think about was her dad. I took her to a giant ball pit and played in it with her. I took her to a man-made beach in the centre of town with Jordan and Flynn, we made sandcastles and went on rides together. I took her to swimming lessons and cheered her on from the side. We made 34 cupcakes and 26 cookies together in a single day. I took her to meet Cat Boy from the PJ Masks and took her shopping for a spoil day. I even took her on a play date with her best friend Lacey and still all she could tell me was that she missed her dad. Everyone has told me, it's natural for her to miss her dad but I couldn't help but be effected by it and wonder why she kept saying it every time I did anything fun with her. After all, her dad did literally nothing with her during her stay so what exactly was she missing?

The passing of a loved one.

For a while now, Jordan's nonna has been battling cancer and last week she sadly passed away. Whilst it was expected, it still came as quite a shock to all of us and I still don't know how to process the news or even help Jordan grieve. I didn't know her well but she did take Vala and I in and treat us as family. She started spoiling Vala like she was her own great-granddaughter before she'd even met her. She always asked me if I was alright and took an interest in my life. I could tell she cared about me. When she was diagnosed with cancer, I was pregnant with Flynn and she told Jordan that she planned to live long enough to meet her great-grandson. Not only did she meet him, but she got to see him grow over the first 8 months of his life and through videos and sometimes in person, witness his milestones. One of the last things she saw was a video of Flynn crawling and I am so glad she got to see that. The day after her passing, Jordan took a personal day off work and I couldn't help him grieve. Vala decided to throw a massive tantrum that resulted in me crying my eyes out in the kitchen. Instead of taking the day to mourn, he ended up having to accompany me, Vala and Flynn on our trip into town because I wasn't strong enough to deal with Vala. I felt terrible that he had to spend his personal day, carrying a tantruming Vala around town instead of being with his mum and mourning with her. I felt I failed both him and Vala that day.

Trying to revive the past.

Recently I watched a YouTube video from nearly three years ago. It features myself, Jordan and a number of our online friends playing a game together (whilst drinking) and laughing so hard we were crying and hurting. It bought a huge smile to my face. That group of friends hadn't really spent much time together since Jordan and I began dating because a couple of the guys in the group also "liked" me and when I became unavailable, they didn't want anything to do with Jordan and our circle of friends. For the longest time, I felt like crap that I couldn't hang out with my circle of friends anymore because I wasn't single. Anyway, time has passed and those guys have moved on and we're all on talking grounds again, so I thought why not get the old group back together and play that same game and see if we can't all laugh together once again. I got some beer, had the guys on voice chat with Jordan beside me and we started playing. We laughed and acted like idiots and for a short time, I got what I wanted; my friends back. Then it ended. It got late and rather than winding down and casually talking before going to bed, one guy left without even saying goodbye because his girlfriend was online. Another guy fell asleep on the call and Jordan and I were left trying to wake him. When the call ended, this feeling of loss washed over me. What I'd felt during those couple of hours didn't feel real. Like, everyone was just being nice going along with my fantasy that things could go back to the way they were. In reality though, they all have different lives now and other places they'd rather be and that's when I broke. Everyone had moved on....except for me. It was the final straw on a crappy week. 

The PND tidal wave. 

I'd spent all week fighting my PND and the demons inside of me, trying my hardest to be better for my kids, better for Jordan and better for myself and the moment I broke, a weeks worth of negative energy crippled me. Every negative thought and emotion ran through me and I seriously wanted to start brutally hitting myself across the head to make the voices stop. I told Jordan that I wasn't ok and suddenly wanted to hurt myself and he held me very close and tight. I fell asleep in his arms and woke several hours later in an empty bed. I hadn't heard his alarm, or him getting out of bed; I didn't even hear him leave for work. He was just gone and I couldn't function without him. I felt so alone and confused and lost. The night before felt like a complete dream but yet my heart felt like it was about to break and I was having to hold back tears. My mind was completely vacant. Their were no voices, no thoughts, no demons....nothing. I kept zoning out but thinking of nothing. I couldn't think of anything. I felt nothing but empty. Getting out of bed was harder than it had ever been and when Flynn went down for a nap, I cocooned myself back in my duvet while Vala drew and played with her barbies. I counted down the minutes until Jordan got home and then cried in his arms when he returned. 

As I write this, I still don't actually know how I feel. My head feels like a vice is squeezing my brain and the pressure is almost unbearable. Whilst my heart doesn't feel like it's breaking anymore, multiple different emotions are still playing havoc with it. The demons and voices haven't returned yet but the thoughts have. I spent the entire day unable to conjure a single thought and now I can't silence them. I feel so lost. So confused. So.... so..... I don't even know. I have run out of words now and I can feel my body trying to shut down to restore itself. I think it is time I power down for now and let my soul heal. 

Until next time,
Alli xo

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