Friday, 31 August 2018

Spells worn off...but I've learned from it.

So whoever weaved their magic spell of positivity into my mind should know that it has sadly worn off. Yesterday did NOT go according to plan. In fact, it went completely opposite of what I had planned and I'm still really upset about it.

On Wednesday I bought myself some new gym clothes, hoping it would motivate me to go back to the gym. After buying the clothes, I noticed there was a Zumba class on tomorrow (Thursday) and I decided to try to get to that instead of the gym. However, overnight my brain got to work and convinced me that a Zumba class was probably too much, too soon. After all, the reason I've not been to the gym in 3 months is because I struggled on the easiest settings, going at my own pace; how could I possibly keep up in a group environment? So I already woke up feeling less than positive. In fact, I actually woke up feeling exhausted due to bad sleep and very very grumpy. I was still determined to go to the gym though. I very slowly started getting ready to go and just before I finished getting dressed, Jordan and I had a bit of a fight and in the heat of the argument, he said something off-hand that upset me.

Now I'll spare you all the details of the fight but long story short, I felt too guilty and selfish to actually go to the gym. I resumed my usual fetal position in bed and tried my hardest not to cry over what a failure I truly am. When everything had calmed down, Jordan felt incredibly guilty as well. He wanted me to go to the gym and felt bad that something he said (but didn't mean) caused me to not go. We put everything on hold for a bit though as by this time it was nearly dinner time and we took Vala to McDonalds. Not the best dinner for us but she'd listened to mummy and daddy fighting all afternoon so it was only fair for her. After the kids had gone to bed though, Jordan and I did reconnect and make up. We got to the root of the problem that caused the argument and as a team, we're going to work to fix it. So at least that was kinda a positive from yesterday.

Today has already been hard. I really didn't want to get up but since Jordan's not home, I had to. Anyone who knows me, knows I don't really like to get dressed when I'm just at home bumming around but I have learned that getting dressed in the morning does help me feel slightly better. Not the most comfortable, but better. So no more comfy singlet and underwear days for me. It's not just the getting dressed in the morning that I've learned from. I did a few things this week that I found did help. They include:


  • Keeping a journal beside my bed to reflect on my day before sleep
  • Washing my face every morning and night
  • Cutting out my screen time 30 mins before bed
  • A cup of coffee goes a long way in the morning
  • Reading after my journal entry and before sleep, helps me fall asleep with less on my mind.
These things may seem pretty obvious to a lot of you but they're things that I never really did often. They are were out of character for me. I have learned from this week though and my brief illusion of positivity and I aim to keep working towards a more positive attitude. I feel like this week is a bit of a write off for me, I'm still doing a few things, like writing in my journal before sleep but I'm not forcing myself to keep going when things get hard. I'm just relaxing now and letting myself breathe. Next week Vala starts school and on Monday I want to try and start a new routine for myself. I'm giving myself this weekend to say goodbye to the current, old me before I welcome in the new me on Monday. Just hope I can do this. 

Until next time,
Alli xo

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