Wednesday, 29 August 2018

Something has changed.

So I don't know what has come over me but since my last blog post but something has changed. On Sunday I bought two new "mum" shirts and I wore one on Monday and one yesterday and suddenly I felt more positive than normal and I was more productive. I actually felt like a proper mum for the first time in forever! (We also may have listened to the Frozen soundtrack a few times yesterday).

I don't know if it's the new mum shirts that have filled me with a sense of hope and given me my
fighting spirit or if last weeks breaking point was literally rock bottom for me and now I'm building myself back up but whatever it is giving me this positive outlook, I hope it doesn't go away any time soon. I won't lie, it is absolutely exhausting! It's like wearing a mask to hide my postnatal depression, only I've not put the mask on. I feel this sense of determination and positivity but deep down, I can still hear the muffled voices of my depression and feel the pain and anguish resonating from my heart. Honestly, it's incredibly difficult to explain how I am feeling but it's like I'm not actually in control of myself right now. Like, I can hear the voices and feel the pain demanding me to stop what I'm doing and resume my fetal position in my bed but at the same time, something out of my control is not letting me give in.

On Monday I went out wearing one of my new mum tops and I put a tiny bit of make up on and even styled my hair differently. I looked at myself in the mirror and the negative voices told me I looked ridiculous and was I seriously considering going out looking like that? I stood there and actually said aloud to my reflection "I look absolutely fine, shut up!" and then turned away and walked out my front door. Looking back now I'm like "Who is controlling me?!" I have NOT had the ability to say a single nice thing to my reflection in forever and then not only did I say something moderately nice but I also told the negative me to shut up?! What is even happening?! Who brainwashed me while I slept and is controlling me? I wanna say stop it but I'm liking being more positive so, uh, keep going?

It's a really weird feeling right now and I am in a constant state of exhaustion but I'm not giving up yet. I'm planning on buying myself a new gym outfit later and seeing if the power of clothes can once again works its magic and get my lazy butt back into the gym. I guess, tune in Friday to see if I actually do make it to the gym tomorrow!

Until next time,
Alli xo

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