Saturday, 11 August 2018

I thought I was a failure before....

Hey everyone, sorry for the late post, got caught up doing stuff yesterday and before i knew it, it was 12:30am and time for bed. I truly wish this could be a positive post but its not. In fact, I was just having a good cry before sitting down to write this so it's a fairly upsetting post for me.

Lately Flynn has been demanding more
breastfeeds and always comes off crying as if he's still hungry. I'd always check my breast and milk would come out when squeezed so I knew there was still milk to give. Still, Flynn would scream and desperately try to latch back on, only to come off again 10 seconds later screaming as if he was getting nothing. I couldn't understand it, I could get milk out of me so surely I wasn't empty was I? I started feeding him from both breasts at feeding time but even that didn't seem enough. His demands for more feeds kept growing that I started thinking I didnt have enough time between feeds to produce more milk.

Then the problem got worse today. After feeding Flynn from both breasts, he started screaming while standing on my legs. I saw his tummy when he breathed in to cry, the skin looked loose when he inhaled. That worried me so i immediately put him on our scales; 6.8kg! I nearly died when I saw the number. He was 7.5kg at 7 months. He has lost so much weight! My breastmilk supply must be worse than I thought if he's lost almost a kilo in under a month.

Thing is, you cant really tell that he is being under-fed unless you can see his stomach when he's crying. He has no lose skin normally, is a very happy and healthy baby with an abundance of energy and smiles. He's not constantly demanding food or trying to feed from me either. His personality hasnt changed at all, he isn't more lethargic or sleeping more etc. I just noticed that during regular feeds he kept wanting more and more and never seeming like he'd had enough. He has started also waking 3 times in the night again in the last week which is counting towards him demanding more feeds.

The thing that confuses me more is that he is having solids now as well. I always start him on breastmilk then give him 7 month+ jars of baby food and feed him until he refuses more. We havent been doing that at every feed though and I admit he is further behind on weaning than I thought he would be. Moving all the furniture around and having a lot of disorder in our life at the moment, has really slowed progress down.

I've told Jordan that he has to have solids are every breastfeed (excluding night feeds) now and finger food snacks in between. We need to catch him up to where he should be. At 8 months Vala was eating entire yogurt and fruit bars and Flynn is still spitting out the chunks in his baby food.

So yeah, I thought I felt like a failure
before.... I didn't realise how little my breastmilk was for him at this point. He's behind on weaning, he's lost a lot of weight and I'm clearly not producing enough milk for him anymore and all those facts have left me feeling like the biggest failure ever! As I said, I had a good cry about it earlier after I weighed him. I feel like a failure because it took me this long to notice. I feel like a failure because looking at him, I thought everything was fine. I feel like a failure because I just assumed the demands for more feeds were because he's more active and going through a growth spurt. I feel like a failure because I feel like I've unintentionally and unknowingly been starving my precious bundle of joy.

I love Flynn so much and feeling like I've failed him so bad, kills me inside. Im keeping an eye on his weight and if we dont see an increase in a couple weeks after a lot more solid food feeds, I'll be taking him to the doctor. I will keep you all updated.

Until next time,
Alli xo


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