Monday, 23 July 2018

How I turned something very positive into something negative

Well it's Monday again, everyone's favourite day of the week. Amazingly, I've managed to get a blog post out on time. Go me! Not really, because this post was actually written at 1:30am on Sunday morning as I needed to get these thoughts out of my head in order to sleep. I've recently received some very happy news; well I've actually received two bits of good news, however it's the more recent piece that my messed up brain has managed to turn completely negative.

The first bit of news I got was that my older sister is pregnant with her second child. Yay another
nephew or niece for me not to meet any time soon! I am very happy for my sister though, genuinely. However, the second piece of news I got came yesterday when my younger sister messaged me to tell me that her boyfriend of I don't even know how many years, had asked her to marry him. Of course she ecstatically said yes and began sharing the exciting news with everyone.
Now you might be wondering why I would possibly turn this news negative? And well I'm not going to take full credit for this. See my half-brother (who lives in the UK as well) messaged me only hours after my little sister did to let me know that he'd heard the news. He then tried to talk me into doing a joint trip back to Australia for the wedding.

I should point out at this stage that my brother is a nearly 40 year old man, with no partner, children or any real financial responsibility that would take away the money he earns from his full time job. It seems he often forgets that I don't work full time and that I have two young children to provide for and it's not as easy for me to just get and go. I'm not about to leave my children behind but to take my family with me would cost us a small limb on the black market.
Anyway, I tried to brush the suggestion off with the excuse that the wedding (with an unset date) will probably be during term time and that I wouldn't be able to take Vala out of school for a lengthy trip to Australia. He then made the suggestion that I ask my sister to choose a date during UK term holidays. Again, I tried to brush his comments off but it wasn't long until the reality sunk in.

Every time something major happens in a family members life, whether its my life, my
sisters life, or my parents life etc, I am always expected to come home to celebrate. When Vala was born, it was demanded of me, by so many people, that I be on the first flight home with my precious bundle of joy once she'd had all her jabs. And the guilt and judgement I got when that didn't happen absolutely crushed me. When my older sister got married, my half-brother did the same thing and tried to convince me to fly back with him. But I was a newly single mother without a job, trying desperately to keep a roof over my daughters head. It broke my heart that I couldn't be there for my sisters wedding since she made the effort to be at mine.

But of course now it's my little sisters turn to get married and my half-brothers comments will just be the start. Everyone will soon, once again, jump back on the bandwagon and start pressuring me to come home for a visit. It's not like I don't want to come home for a visit; of course I do! I haven't seen my family in almost 7 years and it kills me inside. I miss them all so much! However, I can't afford nearly £2000 airfares plus the costs of passports and insurance, visas, spending money and goodness knows what else I might need. I'm a stay at home mother with only Jordan working full time to bring in the money. How do they expect us to just produce £2,000-£4,000 at the snap of their fingers?

So anyway, I've spent the entire night stressing out about how to deal with oncoming guilt trip various family members will lay on me and I've told my mum that I will try my hardest to get out to them August next year when Vala isn't in school. A promise that knowing me, I will struggle to keep. But then I thought, what if I do actually get to Australia next year? How can I let my family; people I won't have seen in almost 8 years, see me in my current state? I'm at least 30kg heavier than when they last saw me. That's when the depression really kicked in. That's when I got overwhelmed and stressed and it's why I sit here at 1:40am writing all this out in the hopes I might be able to sleep afterwards. I keep thinking, how can I save up that much money in less than a year? And how can I lose at least 30kg in the same amount of time?

This is truly wonderful news for my little sister and I genuinely cried tears of happiness when she told me. But a single suggestion from my half-brother turned my brain into over-negativity mode. I don't know what I'm going to do and honestly, I'm freaking out about it. I can't take any more of the pressure and guilt. It's been going on for too long now.

Anyway, I guess I should try and get some sleep now. Happy Monday everyone!

Until next time,
Alli xo
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