Saturday, 30 June 2018

Review of my self-esteem

So I promised myself that once we reached the half way point in the year, I'd take a moment to reflect on my self-esteem. Having started the year with none, I told myself that I would work on building it back up again. So how is that going?

Well in short, not the best. I honestly didn't think postnatal depression would be this tough. But it is and it completely rocks my confidence and self-esteem and constantly keeps me feeling unstable. I started the year off filled with determination and motivation to be the best me I can be. But as the PND grew, my determination shrunk. I became too tired and demotivated to go out for my evening walks and sugar become my comfort. My weight has been fluctuating and that doesn't help at all. A couple months back I built up enough enthusiasm to reactivate my gym membership. I thought going back and working out would help me get back into the swing of things. Instead it had the opposite effect. My workouts that were easy before pregnancy had become way too hard. I had to keep lowering the number of reps I'd do and the level of resistance or speed on the machines. Even once things were at their simplest, I still struggled and it was humiliating. It got to the point where the mere thought of going to the gym would leave me in tears and on the verge of a panic attack. Deep down I know I want to go but I'm too scared.

This month however, I've been trying to push myself out of my comfort zone in an effort of building up my self-esteem and confidence. By wearing clothes out of the house that I'd normally never wear and starting up streaming, I was trying to build confidence by other means instead of just resorting to working out at the gym. It's too early for me to say whether or not doing stuff like that is actually helping but I don't feel it's making me any worse. I've started trying to force myself to take more selfies as well and to look at them without picking out all my flaws (which is really hard.) Looking at all the selfies individually didn't seem to bother me but having them all together in the collage above, makes me feel really uncomfortable. I don't like looking at myself that much. A lot of negative thoughts are flying through my head right now but I'm trying hard to quieten those demons.

I still have a really really long way to go and progress is unbelievably slow. I'm not giving up on me yet though. I'm gonna kick this PND and my demons and one day walk outside with my head held high and a spring in my step. You just wait and see.

Until next time,
Alli xo


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