Monday, 18 June 2018

On the cusp of giving up.

Hey everyone

I hope this Monday is treating you all well. No one is suffering from the Monday Blues I hope. I am dealing with some blues though I don't think they're related to what day of the week it is. My mental demons are out in force today and have managed to conquer me.

I was supposed to be going to the gym today
as Jordan isnt working but in the time it took for my gym pants to dry in the dryer, my demons managed to break me down to a snotty, blubbering wreck. The last few times I've been to the gym, I've really struggled. My body is a lot weaker than it was before i fell pregnant with Flynn. I struggle to do even the most basic warm up at the gym. My heart races so fast and im gasping for breath, never feeling like I'm actually getting enough air into my lungs. It's physically too hard. What's more humiliating is the fact I can't dial it back and make it any easier than I already am. Most the equipment is on the easiest setting and I still struggle. It makes me feel ashamed, embarrassed and completely humiliated. I can hear the demons in my head laughing at me when I break.

At the moment it seems like my demons are stronger than my actual body is because they've managed to talk me out of going to the gym multiple times this month. As I write this, I'm currently curled up in bed after a good long crying session. I want to go the gym. I want to better myself. I want to be stronger. But I'm terrified and that's something I don't want. I don't want to be so afraid of exercising in front of people that I break down and start crying from the comfort of my bed. Jordan suggested I do cardio at home but since we live in a first floor flat, I know my weight will cause the whole floor to shake and the downstairs neighbours to hear every loud thud I make. Plus Jordan would see me or at the very least feel the house shaking and that is just as upsetting as the strangers at the gym seeing me gasping for breath, dripping in sweat after only 3 minutes on the cross trainer.

Right now I feel like my demons have won. I'm too scared to exercise around people or even in the privacy of my own home. I feel lost and right now I am on the cusp of giving up. I want to cancel my gym membership because it's wasted money if I just keep scaring myself out of going.

I hate myself so much right now and genuinely don't know how to get passed this. I....I don't know what to do anymore.

Until next time,
Alli xo


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