Tuesday, 15 May 2018

Monthly Fitness Update: May

Hey everyone, I know I've been sharing nothing but daily writing challenge posts with you but finally here's a little change. My monthly fitness update is coming in way later than it usually does but that is mainly because I originally didn't want to post one. My weight is piling on so fast and I honestly can't believe how quickly I'm putting it back on. I'm breastfeeding, I walk everyday, pushing the pram and whilst my diet isn't the best, I'm not consuming so much that the weight should be going on as fast as it is. I've been feeling like absolute crap but something has happened to make me push myself to give you my monthly update. So here it is and I am ashamed of it.

Current Weight: 107.3kg
Loss Since Last Month: 2.7kg
Loss Since Start Weight: 2.3kg

I am beyond ashamed, embarrassed and angry at my current weight. I have wanted to curl in a ball and cry about it but for some unknown reason, I haven't been able to cry for the last two weeks. I haven't wanted to talk about my weight or diet/exercise and I've been so angry at myself that I've been denying the fact the weight is going on. I kept telling myself the scales were broken because it was impossible for me to have put on THAT much weight in the space of a month. I do get some exercise and I am still breastfeeding so how is it possible to be piling it on that fast? I admit I do eat like crap but I didn't think I could be consuming that many more calories than I'm burning on a day to day basis. I usually have a protein breakfast drink for breakfast, a healthyish lunch (ham sandwich, Caesar salad, protein drink with melon etc) and then a bigger dinner. The bad stuff comes from snacking. When my mood drops, which thanks to the postnatal depression is all the time, I snack a lot to pick my mood back up. It's been the easiest mood booster that I've been able to do at this current time. Guess that snacking has been my biggest undoing. I can't believe I am almost back at my pre-pregnancy weight. I feel completely dead inside about that fact.

Today however, I made a change. I went to the gym for the first time since I discovered I was pregnant. I was majorly unprepared for it. In the 10-ish months that I have been away from the gym, they had a total refurbishment and bought in all new equipment. Everything had moved around and there were so many new machines that I had no idea how to use. Even the basic ones like the treadmills are far more state of the art and a little confusing to use. Not only did I feel completely lost in the gym but it became quickly apparent just how unfit I now am. I took in my old program with me and I could not complete it. For warm up, I'm supposed to spend 5 minutes on the cross trainer; I could barely breathe after 4 minutes and had to stop. I realised that to get results, I needed a new program to be run through all the new equipment so I've booked myself an appointment with a personal trainer tomorrow to develop a new program for me and to teach me how to use everything.

I wish I could say I was feeling positive that suddenly I was going to start losing heaps of weight again but in reality, the only reason I was able to go to the gym today is because Jordan has two weeks holiday. Him being home to watch Flynn has given me the freedom to go to the gym. In two weeks time, he'll be back at work, getting home late and I don't know when I'll be able to find time to keep going regularly. I've told myself though that I will go to the gym every single day for the duration of Jordan's two weeks off. I know my body needs rest days but I don't know when I'll be able to go again once the two weeks is up. I want to lose the weight but I'm my own worst enemy. I sabotage myself and I wish I would just stop it already. I'll keep you posted on how I get on.

Until next time,
Alli xo


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