Wednesday, 2 May 2018

30 Day Writing Challenge - Day Two

"Write something that someone told you about yourself that you never forget."

I honestly wish this could be a positive post response to this prompt but unfortunately there is one thing that someone said to me, about me, that I have never ever been able to forget. 

My ex-husband, the lovely steamy pile of.... that he is, once told me that I was "Useless for anybody that wanted to be happy." He told me that whilst we were still "happily" married. He claimed that he suffered from severe anxiety and for the longest time I believed him but after a while it became apparent that his anxiety only ever appeared whenever he was required to do something he didn't want to do. Things like putting the rubbish out or cleaning the house would set him off. Despite mine, and others suspicions that he was milking his mental disability, I also tried to be supportive. 

One day however, I finally just snapped. I was sick of him using it as an excuse to get out of things and also to stop me doing things. One this particular day, he wasn't letting me take our daughter to his parents without him because him being left alone made him anxious. But he couldn't go to his parents because that also made him anxious. I was supportive for a few hours and went along with the over-the-top, super dramatic panic attacks... I'm talking punching a wall and then pretending the punch caused him to fall onto the stairs; but eventually enough was enough. His dramatics were meaning our daughter was missing out on time with her grandparents. I told him I was done babying him and that I was going to is parents with Vala. He accused me of not being understanding and not caring about him. That's when he said the words that have stayed with me "You're useless for anybody that wants to be happy."

I've always remembered those words because they were so brutal. I had been patient, I had been loving, caring, loyal; I even defended him to his family when they accused him on faking it. I give up once and he made me feel like the worst person in the world. Like it was my fault that he was having these panic attacks and that I was solely responsible for his happiness. Filled with such guilt, I didn't go to his parents. Our daughter didn't get her time with her grandparents and I spent the remainder of my marriage trying to prove to that S.O.B that I could make him happy. Of course he was never happy and turned out to be a pretty awful man and the marriage ended. To this day though, what he said has never left me and from time to time, I start feeling paranoid that I'm not making Jordan happy. It's honestly scarred me more than I care to admit. Hopefully time will help the effect those words have on me, fade away.

Until next time,
Alli xo
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