Thursday, 5 April 2018

Monthly Fitness Update: April

Well last month really didn't go as well as I'd hoped health and fitness wise. I hit a new low and my depression made me give up on everything. This became apparent in the lateness of my blog posts as well as the poor, negative quality of the posts that did eventually come out. As a result of my mood, I ate more crap and exercised a lot less. So I am sad to report that I put on quite a bit of weight and feel incredibly ashamed and guilty.

Current Weight: 104.6kg
Loss Since Last Month: +2kg
Loss Since Start Weight: 5kg

It goes without saying that I am extremely disappointed with my weight gain. I vowed at the beginning of last month that I wouldn't allow myself to put weight on. I swore that I'd work hard to make sure I continued to lose. But that all went to poop the worse my depression got. Stress levels kept increasing and I began to feel trapped within myself. Everything kept piling on and I couldn't cope with anything. Mothers Day was the only day last month where I felt genuine happiness. My mood also resulted in Jordan and I fighting more which naturally made my mood worse. I ate more junk and exercised less. I didn't want to leave the house at all and whenever I did, I usually looked like a gremlin. I admit, I was emotional eating. Stuffing my face to deal with my feelings and despite being aware of what I was doing, I didn't care. I just kept going. Some days I'd eat nothing but chocolate and drink soft drink. Sounds bad, which it is, but in reality I wasn't eating more chocolate, I just wasn't eating anything else. If I hadn't even the chocolate, I'd have not eaten at all that day. So now here I am, a lot bigger than I was last month and I hate myself for it. I'm hoping that with Vala being away for two weeks I can push myself get more quality rest and in turn that'll make me feel better about going outside and exercising and eating better.

Physically, there is nothing stopping me from exercising. It's all mental. I am tired all the time and do currently have a really bad cold but those factors don't effect my physical health; just my physiological health. I want to try and get back to the gym this year but not 100% sure that I will. I may not have Vala to look after for half the month but I still have Flynn and Jordan's still working so unsure how many chances I'll actually get to go. I do want to go back but we'll have to wait and see how I feel if/when the time comes. 

I'm hoping the two weeks without Vala will help me focus more on myself and in turn, get me out of this rut. I still have Flynn to look after but with regular naps and little demand from someone so small, I should still have plenty of time to work on me. 

Until next time,
Alli xo

2 comments:

  1. I'm struggling right now too - when bad things are happening in my life, pizza is just way too easy. We both need to remember that it's not a failure, just a blip - next month will be better!

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