Tuesday, 24 April 2018

Made a breakthrough

This month has been bit of a quiet one blog post wise and that's mainly because there's been a lot going on that's had a roller coaster effect of my mood. Family health woes, my mental heath issues, Vala been away for two weeks etc. It's all had an impact. I feel like there is a lot baring down on me and it's been hard to identify everything and deal with it.

I have been talking more with Jordan lately
about my mood and my depression, trying to identify key triggers and figure out ways to avoid them. Throughout the discussion, we made a breakthrough. I realised that I haven't been feeling myself since being with my ex-husband.
Before I came to the UK, I had a life. A real life. I had a great paying job that I was good at. I was studying at uni. I had friends, a boyfriend and would go out every single weekend with them. I could see my family whenever I wanted and I never needed company all the time. I could happily walk 20 mins to the local cafe, order myself a coffee and a slice of cake and sit there for hours doing uni course work on my laptop. I didn't need anyone to come with me. I was independent.

My ex husband took my life and independence away from me. I thought when I first moved here that I'd make a new life, new friends, start a career etc but the opposite happened. Thanks to his emotional abuse, I became too afraid to go anywhere on my own. I was too afraid to let anyone into my home. I wasn't allowed to get a job or study and I definitely wasn't allowed to befriend anyone that he didn't approve of (which was no one). Then we split up and it was just me and Vala all on our own. I had a single friend that I'd made after the split and he lived 2 hours away so we could only hang out so often. Eventually, obviously, I met Jordan, we started dating and moved in together before getting engaged and having Flynn BUT I still don't feel like the same person who left Australia.

Jordan was making arrangements with his
mates to go out somewhere and do something and I suddenly became very depressed, defensive and jealous. I was upset that Jordan could just go out whenever he wanted and hang out with his mates and I couldn't. I don't want to go out with his mates but I do want to go out with mine. Only issue there is, I only have three friends and they all live at least an hour + away. To hang out with them takes much planning, plenty of notice and must be something big enough to warrant them travelling all the way out here. It's not like they're gonna drive one to two hours just to go to the pub for a couple of pints with me.

So I'm missing key things that every person needs to be happy. I don't feel I have a life outside of my kids. My family is all overseas, my friends live too far away to hang out often, I'm not currently studying and my only "career prospects" is to get this novel professionally published and call myself an author. I'm not sure how exactly we're going to fix these issues but identifying them is a good start. We've learned that Jordan going out with mates is a sore spot for me, though I'm never going to stop him going out with them. We just need to find a way to make it not suck for me when he's out having fun and I'm stuck at home with the two kids.

It's definitely going to take a while due to baby steps but hopefully I won't have to be in the UK another six years before I finally have a life like the one I gave up and left behind back in Australia. We'll see though.

Until next time,
Alli xo

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