Wednesday, 21 March 2018

I need to start again.....again

Some of you may have noticed I have a schedule for when my blog posts come out (Monday, Wednesday, Friday & Sunday). If you're one of those people, you might have noticed that I didn't post last Friday or Monday. I made up for Monday by posting my Flynn update yesterday instead of today and I'll try and make up for Friday by posting tomorrow as well. Anyway the reason I missed those two days was due to my frikkin annoying mood. I don't want to say PND, my god how I'm sick of blaming everything on PND but I don't know how else to explain how I've been feeling. Is there a point where it stops being Post-Natal Depression and just transitions into regular depression? I don't know! All I do know is that I need to wipe the slate clean and start again....again.

I have honestly lost count of how many
times, I've sat here and typed out that I'm starting the next chapter. That I'm going to work hard and push myself to get fit and healthy and lose a bunch of weight. That I'm going to dedicate my spare time to writing my novel instead of gaming or watching tv. That this time, I am so motivated that nothing is going to make me quit. And then I quit. Well, ok so I don't exactly quit, I just postpone everything. I was supposed to be returning to the gym this month but for financial reasons I have postponed it. I was supposed to be cleaning up my diet and exercising more but because of my depression, I couldn't find the motivation and so postponed that too. I eat like crap at the moment and my weight is going up again but the voices in my head says "who the F cares?" This blog is a perfect example of me postponing things. Fridays and Mondays posts never came out because my mood left me saying "I'll do it a little later. I'll do it a little later." Next thing I knew it was the following morning and woke up thinking "huh, probably should have written that thing." Yesterday I really struggled to write my post because part of me thought "well you missed 2 days, might as well give up." But that's all I ever do. I'm a massive quitter and I hate that about myself. I don't want to be a quitter anymore. I'm so tired of it.

However, I'm not about to sit here and spew up more bull that this is my pinnacle moment. That from now, I'm going to push myself to breaking point and shrink down to a healthy weight because by now you and I both know I'm speaking a load of baloney. I mean for crying out loud, I just went shopping to buy myself a protein filled lunch and came home with an
assortment or donuts, croissants and chocolate. I did also pick up some fruit and protein drinks I had neither for lunch. I'm emotional eating. I know I am. I see what I'm doing and I know it's wrong but I just don't care right now. My mood is so low and so crap that eating chocolate and donuts for lunch makes me feel better. It helps me feel like I can get through to the end of the day. Eating bad is the only thing giving me a bit of pleasure at the moment. I'm not so bad when Jordan is home but most of the week its just me and the kids. Or me and Flynn when Vala is at all school. Or just me alone like right now because Vala's at school and Flynn is asleep. I could be doing floor exercises right now and eating a healthy breakfast but I really don't want to. I'm exhausted all the time and working out now would just make it all the more difficult to make it through to the end of the day. Plus sitting here with my feet up on the sofa, eating chocolate will make me much happier than planking on the floor. I k ow because I've tried. I know I need to snap out of this rut and exercise more and eat better. Believe me, deep down in my heart it's what I want. My head is so messed up right now that I can't motivate myself.

So, instead of pushing myself to improve and sinking further into depression when I'm too tired to do anything else and not seeing instant results, I've decided to allow myself this harmful period. It sounds bad and that's because it is. Eating this way and not exercising is only increasing my risk of type 2 diabetes but from where I'm sitting, I know I need to fix my head first before jumping onto fixing my body. My head is my biggest enemy right now and I'm giving myself those ounces of happiness to keep fighting my demons and as stupid as it sounds, it's working. I exercised today by walking to and from the shops and sure I skipped breakfast and ate a really bad lunch but here I am posting a blog post on time and I feel motivated to work on my novel. I'm sure something will snap for me soon and I'll kick the demons out my head and work my arse off to repair the damage, like I want to but until we identify and work through all the things causing my PND, I'm going to keep doing whatever helps me get through the day. Even though I know it's bad for me. I just hope that snap comes sooner rather than later.

Until next time,
Alli xo


Post a comment