Friday, 16 February 2018

My new friend called Envy

As my postnatal depression has been harder to cope with these last couple of weeks, I've noticed a little deadly sin has been sitting on my shoulder. It goes by the name of ENVY


Envy is an emotion which "occurs when a person lacks another's superior quality, achievement, or possession and either desires it or wishes that the other lacked it" 
My friend envy comes in the form of my desire to be like my downstairs neighbour. I find myself becoming more and more jealous of her. She is a very beautiful mother of 1 and from my perspective, she has her life together. Every day I hear her downstairs, cleaning her flat. She hoovers once a day, I can hear the washing machine and dryer on. I hear cupboard doors shutting and her stylish boots trotting across the laminate floor. She pops out to run her errands and gets all her housework done in the time her 6 year old daughter is at school. Why might I be envious of a woman who can get her housework done to might ask? Well one, because with 2 kids, I can't. And two, because she spends her day doing housework and comes out looking stunningly beautiful! Her clothes are always clean, ironed and look like new. Her hair is perfect; no frizz, kinks or fly aways and her make up is immaculate! I have heard her hoovering her flat as I've left to do the school pick up and passed her ten minutes later on the way back and it looks like she's just spent the last hour styling her hair and doing her make-up.

Ok, you're probably thinking so what if she looks great after cleaning, why do you care? I care because I am like the completely opposite of her. I struggle and I mean STRUGGLE to get even 10% of my housework done on a daily basis. And if I manage to get any done, I come out sweating, smelling and looking like I haven't cared about my physical appearance at all! I NEVER have time to iron clothes so I go out looking like a scrub. Sometimes I even wear the same creased top multiple days in a row. My hair is like a giant frizz ball full of split ends and fly aways and since I never wear make-up, any attempt at wearing it is exactly that; a desperate attempt.

I hear and see my neighbour and wish so much that I could be like her. She's so together and
organised. I hear her family washing up their dinner dishes at 7pm, before I've even started cooking our dinner! She never has to raise her voice at her daughter and I never hear her daughter throw a tantrum. I hear lots of laughter coming from the family as they play fight and whilst I am happy their
life is seemingly perfect, a part of dies a little inside because I want that life. My postnatal depression is making it hard for me to even be around my family right now. Vala especially. She's been so demanding and self-entitled lately. She expects everything, when she wants it and if I don't deliver, I get the full wrath of her attitude. I keep snapping at her and raising my voice. I've stopped being the fun, loving mum and become the strict, grumpy mum instead. Even with Flynn, I struggle to cope. I wait anxiously for Jordan to come home from work, so I can hand Flynn over and recoil into my own bubble of self-loathing.

I can't cope with my family, I can't cope with the housework; I can't even cope with myself. Every time I hear my downstairs neighbour, I feel my friend envy crawling up my back and weighing down upon my shoulders and I just wish so much I could get my shit together like she does. I know her life probably isn't perfect but from the outside, it is! It's exactly what I want. I want to keep a clean house and still look amazing after cleaning it. I want to have dinner at a normal time with my family every night. I want to be the fun, loving mother again who can laugh and play with my family rather than snapping at them and hiding away.

My postnatal depression has really messed with me. It's changed my perception of myself and my life and I hate what I see. I don't know how much longer envy is going to stick around with me but all I do know, is that I want it gone! I don't want to be this person anymore.

Until next time,
Alli xo

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