Monday, 12 February 2018

Battling the Postnatal Depression Demon

I really wanted today's post to be something happy and positive to help combat the Monday Blues but sadly that's not the case. My head is in a not so great place and it's effecting every aspect of my life.

I already know that I've been suffering with
postnatal depression but I thought I was dealing with it well; to the point I started thinking I'd recovered. But as of last week, it feels like I've relapsed. Something inside of me is lost. That determination and motivation is gone. My positive outlook is gone. My self esteem, self worth, self confidence is all gone. I feel like I've lost a couple screws in my brain too.

Everyday is a constant battle against the "why bother" demon screaming inside my head. Last week Flynn wouldn't sleep during Vala's nursery hours and as a result, no housework got done. This bought my mood down and everything was why bother? Why bother trying to clean? Why bother going for my daily walk? Why bother eating properly? Why bother doing anything to help myself?

I've lost interest in everything as well. Exercising, blogging, even playing video games which is usually my go to hobby when my mood is crap. I'm struggling with a lot of things right now and I know I need to pull myself out of it. Right now I'm completely guilt ridden because my head is in such a bad place that I've not taken Vala to nursery today. I got about an hours broken sleep last night and now I feel like I've been hit by a bus. I even forgot I had the health visitor coming today. She took one look at the zombified, half awake me and rescheduled at the door. I guess what I'm feeling on the inside is showing on the outside.

I just want to shut my brain off for a while. Recalibrate. Refresh. Restart. I need to get back to the place I was 2 weeks ago. Full of energy, motivation, excitement, anticipation etc. I need my passion and my motivation back. I need to stop second guessing everything I do and say. Even this blog post is tearing my brain apart. One part of me wants to delete it all and miss my first scheduled post day this year. The other part is reminding me that I said I'd talk about the good and the bad. I feel the post is garbage but I'm going to end it here and post it anyway. I'll feel worse if I don't post anything today.

Until next time,
Alli xo


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