Saturday, 2 September 2017

A long overdue post full of venting.

Hello anyone who may be reading this. It's been far too long since I actually posted a proper thread. I think my last actual post was back around 8 weeks of pregnancy. Since then things have been chaotic, twirly, hormonal, stressful, weepy, draining, exhausting, demotivating and down right rough. As a result I find myself in a deep pit of self-loathing and mood swings. If I'm not crying and saying the worst about myself, I'm angry and flipping my lid over every little insignificant thing. It's at the point now where there is far too much weighing down upon me and I can't keep it bottled up anymore. I can't rationally talk to anyone about it either because their opinions and attempts to help just infuriate me with their lack of understanding. So here I am, about to bore you with a long and mostly negative filled blog post. Enjoy! Or don't. You know, whichever you prefer.

PREGNANCY:


Well thankfully all of my fears for my
unborn childs safety were for nothing. I am currently 23+1 week pregnant and I'm expecting a healthy baby boy in December. I do worry about birthing him though as his head is on the 94th percentile line. It's massive and probably going to tear me a new one. We've named him Flynn and I honestly cannot wait until he is born and my life and body can return to a new normal. I say this because the pregnancy has bought back the tachycardia I experienced when pregnant with Vala.

Literally with each passing day, the heart rate gets higher and normal every day tasks become more and more of a challenge. I am already at the point where I have accepted I cannot go out and do anything, like shopping, on my own. The walking alone sends my heart rate through the roof but you add carrying a single shopping bag to that equation and it feels like my heart is going to explode out my chest. There's nothing more degrading than the stares of strangers on the street when they notice an overweight pregnant woman struggling to breathe whilst walking along a flat road. It's humiliating. You add taking Vala with me and I have to stop a minimum of 4 times on the way home just to catch my breath.

Along with the tachycardia is the never ending onslaught of hormones. I seem to be
getting hit with wave after wave of them. I've lost all rational thinking at this point. I stress out about every little thing and break down crying at adverts on TV. It doesn't take much to tip me over the edge and send me screaming in anger into the bathroom where I end up crying in the shower. I can't even handle myself, I don't know how anyone else is coping with me. I struggle with wanting to be close to the people I love to make myself feel better and wanting to isolate myself from everyone because anything they do can piss me right off.

DAILY LIFE:

It's safe to say that I'm not coping with daily life at all anymore. The pregnancy induced tachycardia has made things almost impossible for me to do now. It's only a matter of time before the heart rate becomes so bad that I end up back on bed rest like I was with Vala. Every day I wake up feeling like I barely slept the night before. My sleep is full of messed up, back to back dreams that some mornings I even struggle to distinguish what is real. I feel like I have an energy meter internally wired now. Everyone has infinite amounts of energy whereas I wake up with a maximum of 100 energy. Each thing I do drains a percentage of my energy meter until I'm running on empty. I lay in bed stressing over which tasks I'm going to choose to complete today. Getting dressed takes 25% of my energy, doing the laundry takes 50%. Washing dishes takes another 15% and so on and so on. If I choose to do a load of laundry that means something like hoovering the floor won't get done because I physically don't have the strength in me to do it. My heart simply cannot handle it. What's worse is depending on what tasks I choose, everything could all be undone by the end of the day anyway. Like if I choose to use 75% of my energy and pick up Vala's toys and hoover the floors, there is no guarantee that by the time Jordan gets home, her toys won't be all over the floor again, with crumbs from lunch and another spilled drink. Leaving the house looking like I never actually did anything of use that day. When things like that happen, I feel a part of my sanity die a little and the next day I have the mental hurdle of "why bother" to jump over before I even get out of bed. I struggle every single day and no one can fully understand how and why I do.

Thing is, I didn't want everyone knowing just how much I am struggling because then they baby me and it makes me feel even worse than I already do. Of course I want someone to watch Vala for a few hours every once in a while so I can sit in peace a breathe for 5 minutes without a barrage of demands being thrown at me. Trouble is though, I only want Vala being looked after under my terms. When it's offered to me that someone will watch Vala, it's always worded that so and so "will watch Vala to give me a break" or so I "can have a break". Making me feel like everyone knows I'm not coping and therefore are doing me a pity favour. It's never "hey can we have Vala for a play date?" Or "can we take Vala out somewhere?" No. It's always to do me a favour and let me rest. I know I'm sounding ungrateful but when everything is literally getting on top of me, I don't like feeling that people are thinking I can't even look after my own daughter. But again, I am my own worst enemy because even if someone did ask the nice way, to have Vala, I'd still be hesitant because with Jordan out the house 10+ hours a day, it means I have to physically see the person looking after her. That means I have to shower, get dressed, have the house remotely tidy, have Vala showered, dressed and ready all before they arrive. If I don't do all those things than they'll realise I'm struggling more than I'm letting on and the babying intensifies and I have to stand there forcing a smile on my face whilst I cry inside. But of course once they've left, I've already used up my daily energy allowance and have nothing left to use on making myself feel any happier, like going to a cafe. Nope, once Vala is gone, I resume the fetal position in bed, attempt to lower my heart rate and either sleep or watch a livestream on Twitch.

In short, I spend most of my time now, either sleeping or fighting to stay conscious whilst my daughter tells me "I want" for about the 100th time each day. I can't eat breakfast alone without her demanding a second breakfast. I can't take a crap without her insisting on banging on the door because she wants to hug me. I can't shower alone for 5 mins without her bursting in an demanding a 10th glass or orange cordial. I get no privacy unless Jordan is home and when he is home, I get no peace as those two together are louder than a heard of elephants. I have become so dependent on Jordan to save what little sanity I have left but even he has no understanding of what the hell I'm going through.

RELATIONSHIP:

I want to say Jordan and I are solid but
honestly, my head is doing everything it can to force a gap between us. I spend the day whilst he is at work convincing myself that he is meeting someone better for him and reminding myself that I don't actually deserve him. I tell myself he doesn't make me feel special or important anymore when in reality I reject around 95% of his attempts to do just that. Telling myself he's only saying or doing those things for some other reason besides trying to make me feel loved. I'm convinced he thinks less of me despite him telling me over and over again that he doesn't. Convinced he loves me less and less everyday despite him saying he does several times a day. My head just won't let me be happy. Most part I believe it's because he doesn't understand what I'm going through so how can he really care?

I love him with all my heart but tell myself every single day that I am no good for him and that I am useless and he deserves so much better. I put the wedge between us because I'm too scared he'll stop loving me and caring about me like Vala's father did when I suffered the tachycardia during her pregnancy. I put up so many defences, trying to stop myself getting hurt again when all I want is for him to understand and support me. I opened up to him about how the tachycardia was making me feel and he kept offering solutions he thought would help and not understanding that I've tried them all before and they don't work. We argued, he said something hurtful that he didn't mean and next thing I know, I have his mother at my house to come take Vala out so I can "have a rest" because he'd told her everything I'd told him in confidence. I feel like the more I try and open up, the less he understands and as result it leaves me feeling like I can't talk to him at all. My head is so messed up though that I can't tell if it's all me or if part of the problem is him as well. Like, is my struggle really that hard to understand or am I just so incompetent that I can't even explain it clearly enough? He keeps telling me to exercise more, never understanding that I really want to but the tachycardia stops me. I want to get out of this house so badly and go for a walk, or to the gym, or for a swim etc but I can't. I feel like I can't breathe when I try and I die inside when I struggle. Telling me to do something I really want to do but physically don't feel I can, doesn't help. I just end up feeling worse.

I know he's going to read this so Jordan please understand, I want to take Vala to the park. I want to play with her the way you do. I want to be able to have fun with her and exercise with her the way you can but I just can't and it breaks my heart that I can't. Reminding me every day that her being cooped up in the house doesn't help. I feel guilty enough that I can't do the things you do. I spend every single day feeling like the worlds worst mother because I am only half the person you are. Our son is taking so much from me that I use what little energy and strength I have left just to make Vala food and to get her 11 hundred drinks and to take her to the toilet every 20 minutes. I'm doing everything I can and I know it's not enough. I know I'm failing. It's why I keep making you do everything for her when you're home. Because by resting while you do everything gives me the slightest chance that I'll be able to go to the park or for a walk around town. Doesn't mean I feel good about you doing everything. I feel completely selfish all the time. But soon I might be on bed rest and won't be able to do anything so please understand I'm doing everything I can (as little as it is) now to ensure that I to do those little things on the weekend with you both. Just please understand you can't help me. You can't make the tachycardia go away. You can't stop the raging hormones. You can't stop our son draining everything from me. I know you want to help but you can't. Being the stronger parent and a rock for my sanity is the only way you can help. Don't tell me to try doing <x> or <y> because chances are I really want to but have no energy or I've tried and I can't. I am physically, mentally and emotionally weak and I know I am asking so much of you but I need you more now than I probably ever will. Please know I appreciate everything you do. EVERYTHING! I am so grateful I can't even explain how much. Just know that those car trips out, the unnecessary trips to tesco, the park visits where I just sit and watch, all mean more to me than you realise. All I want is to be out of this house with my family and I don't have the strength to cope with it. So any time we do go out, no matter where it is, I'm really grateful you took us. And know that no matter how hard I push you away over the coming weeks/months, that I really do love with all my heart. My head is just so messed up right now and it's not your fault. I love you.

INDEPENDENCE/MOTIVATION:

This post has gone on for far too long and at this point, I'm going to start repeating myself. But naturally as the tachycardia gets worse, the more dependent I become on other people. I feel less and less like a human adult every day. But to make it worse, with Jordan earning more money now, it means I get a lot less. I didn't get paid at all yesterday and I don't know if it's because of a system error again or if he earned too much that I'm entitled to £0. Either way, without any money coming into my account it means I have to ask Jordan for money to do anything. I can't afford to buy Vala's school uniform without him giving me the money. I can't treat us out to lunch on the weekend. I can't pay my own bills or debt anymore. I'm essentially going to have to ask for an allowance again which I don't want to do. Yes I could try and make money from home but answering online surveys for £5 a week will only make my depression worse I fear. And it's not like I didn't try to start making money from home.

If you remember I signed up to become an
Acti-Ambassador! I became a Slimbassador and decided to try and make money off my weight loss journey. I was so pumped and excited to do that and then less than a month later we found out I was pregnant. How can I be a slimbassador when I can't even use the products I'm trying to sell? Sure, I could try and sell the make up or beauty products but in order to do that, I'll have to learn to be someone I'm not in order to sell myself and the products. I don't know the first thing about make-up and barely wear any myself. And I certainly don't use any beauty products, my dry and cracked feet can attest for that. I can't sell something I'm not interested in. There's no passion or excitement and so with the slim products out of use for now, I gave up on being an Acti-Ambassador. I fully intend to try again when Flynn is born though. After the first couple of months, when the tachycardia is gone, the milk has come in with regular feeds and I have my energy back, I plan on going back to the gym. I plan on losing all the baby weight and more. I will use the Acti products as soon as it is safe to do so and I will promote the hell out of them and my journey. But that's still 5-6 months away and I somehow have to cope with being physically and financially dependent on other people until after Flynn is born.

I want to contribute as much as I can to the household and to the family. It's just getting harder and harder for me to do it. I want to finish my novel and hopefully sell it and make some money from it but I can't write it. Every time I try I'm interrupted five minutes later by Vala wanting something, even if she just wants to say hi, and it blows all concentration and thought process out the water. I lose my place and therefore lose motivation immediately. I've been interrupted countless times already just writing this blog post and it's only my desire to not cry in the shower again that has pushed me to get this far.

CONCLUSION: 

So to sum up this extremely long and negative post, I'm struggling. A lot. I know the pregnancy is completely worth all this suffering now but it is taking everything from me. It's taken my independence, my sanity, my motivation and put a bit of strain on my relationships but I need to hang in there. Less than 4 months now until Flynn is due and after he's born the hormones and tachycardia will be gone. I'll start to get my life back again and my sanity! I'm pushing everyone away because I don't feel it fair that they should have to put up with the horrible, lazy, selfish person I've become. I need a lot of help but I'm too stubborn and proud to accept it because it just makes me feel all the more weaker in everyone else's eyes. It's not weak to ask for help, no. That's why I ask Jordan for help. But I do feel weaker and I have to ask someone else to come and clean my house for me because I physically can't do it. Or to come and take Vala out because I'm one tantrum away from irrationally screaming my head of at her thanks to my hormones. I love my family so much and I'm being so horrible towards them lately. Some days I don't want to be around them and it's not their fault. It's because I don't want to get annoyed at them or snap at them over little things. I can't control my mood swings, I can't control my emotions. I see myself being this horrible person and I have no power to stop it. It's like I'm a passenger in my own body, helpless to do anything but watch and hear the nasty things I say and do. I can only hope that my family will still love me as much as I love them by the end of this pregnancy. Hopefully my next blog post will be a lot shorter and more positive than this one has been.



Until Next Time,
Alli xo

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