Thursday, 20 April 2017

Acti-Challenge: Day One, Day One & Day One......

Alright, I really need to pump a post out so here goes. It seems I've hit a rough rut recently and it has affected me in ways I really wish it hadn't. As you know from a previous post, all my Acti-Labs products arrived and I was so excited to start this two week challenge that I had created myself called my Acti-Challenge. I was so excited to start and had all the enthusiasm and motivation in the world to get started. Yeah that's all gone now and here's why.


I woke up feeling so incredibly positive. I made my first Strip Tea and absolutely LOVED it! It has a strong smell of ginger but the flavour is very herbal. Almost like an earthy, herbal taste. First thing in the morning, it was perfect. I felt calmer about the day and more easy-going and relaxed. I then made a Rich-Chocolate Slimming Shake for breakfast and took an Acti-Vate capsule with it. I knew I had, had a good start to my day and was pumped to hit the gym. I got my gym gear on and practically skipped out the front door. I walked the whole way to the gym with a skip in my step and a smile on my face. I felt good. That's when things started going down hill. As I approached the gym I realized everything was too quiet. I'd checked Easter opening times online and it had said the gym was open but as I approached the leisure center, I found the entire place closed for Good Friday. Thanks Internet. I was pretty miffed about that as I was really looking forward to hitting the gym after three weeks off due to my chest infection and school holidays. Despite the gym being closed, I decided to not let it affect my mood. I'd still had a nice walk in the sun there and back again so at least I got some exercise. I decided I'd make my walk home even longer by stopping at Tesco to pick up a healthy lunch. This is when my day took a turn for the worst and ruined my entire Easter weekend.

My ex-husband sent me a photo of our daughter; Vala in the car as they were leaving a family Easter Egg Hunt. I was mortified to see that he and his father had placed my daughter, my tiny for her age daughter, in a booster seat instead of a stage one car seat which is needed for her size. I was so worried about her safety. I have a huge fear of driving and often have panic attacks in the car during long journeys. I'm always afraid of other drivers causing accidents after a speeding driver, running a red light, nearly crashed into a car I was in back in Australia. I knew that if their car was involved in an accident, Vala would be critically injured or worse. She was not safe on that booster seat. I replied to ex asking why she was on the wrong seat and asked if he thought it was ok to gamble with her life. He didn't respond. He ignored me all day. I spent the remainder of the day angry and scared and as a result, all efforts to be productive went out the window. I cried and shut myself in the house. Jordan came home from work and was able to calm me down for a little while but by 9pm I was crying hysterically again. I started messaging my ex again asking why he wouldn't answer me and tell me why she was in the wrong seat. Again, he read but ignored my messages. This only made me worse. Eventually, just before 10pm, I got a message. It wasn't from my ex but it was from his dad instead. He attacked me by saying that I didn't really care about Vala's safety but instead only cared about making my ex husband looked bad. He tried telling me how Vala was "legally safe" and found loopholes in the law to show me I couldn't claim what they'd done was illegal. He even bought up examples of me not caring about car seat safety from over three years ago when I was a new mum and didn't even understand the importance of car seat safety. Anything he could use against me, he did. I felt bullied and victimized. I felt like they were criticizing me for having concerns over my child's safety. I was made to feel like I was in the wrong. We argued for well over an hour and ended the conversation on fragile but calmer grounds. Needless to say I was furious with my ex for bringing his dad into the matter instead of talking to me maturely himself. I didn't feel like I could trust him with Vala's safety anymore and hated the fact she was going to be with him for another three days. I ended up drinking and using the alcohol to help me sleep.


I woke up not wanting to let the events of the previous day affect me. But they did. I decided to start my Acti-Challenge again. I got up, made my Strip Tea and took an Acti-Vate over a Cookie Dough Slimming Shake. I put my gym gear on and unlike the day before, forced myself out the door. I didn't walk to the gym with a spring in my step, instead I walked there with a heavy heart causing my feet to drag behind me. I reached the leisure center and was glad to see it was actually open. I really didn't want to exercise though. I just wanted to be home in my pj's, wrapped in a blanket, playing World of Warcraft. But I held hope that once I started my workout programme, that endorphin's would be released and I would start to feel better. Unfortunately, the opposite happened. The more I workout and the further through my programme I got, the more I wanted to go home and the sadder I felt. I left the gym after completing 90% of my programme. I dragged myself home and into the shower. Dried myself, put  my pj's back on and laid down in front of the electric fire and cried. There I remained until Jordan returned home from work hours later. I barely remember doing it but whilst laying there I ordered Chinese for dinner. I knew it was going to ruin my Acti-Challenge plans for the day but I was so depressed that I just didn't care. I just wanted anything that was going to improve my mood. I poured another glass of wine with my dinner and went through the motions the rest of the evening. Jordan got a few smiles and laughs out of me but not enough to improve my overall mood.


In all honesty, I don't even know why I bothered attempting to start my Acti-Challenge again on Easter Sunday. With how my mood had been the previous two days, I knew there was no hope for me spending Easter alone. Vala of course was at her dads and video called me to wish me a Happy Easter. I was both happy and sad to see her. Happy for obvious reasons but sad because I couldn't hold her in arms and kiss her forehead and love her like I wanted to. She was there in front of me but so far away. I was angered by the fact that her dad hadn't set up an Easter Egg hunt for her at home. He claimed the family one on Friday was her Easter Egg hunt and I had to tell her that the Easter bunny just got confused as to which house he was supposed to deliver to and that all her eggs were here waiting for her to come find them. I drank my Strip Tea whilst on the video call and shortly after the call ended, Jordan went to his friends Stag Party. He nearly cancelled because he could see straight through the mask I was wearing, telling him I'd be fine and to go have fun. As soon as he left I cried my eyes out and immediately turned to alcohol again. I was all alone and wanted so badly for the pain in my heart to go away. I drank wine and cocktails whilst lip syncing into the computers microphone. I got very very drunk. I started playing H1Z1: King of the Kill with my best friend and the combination of the alcohol, a good game and my friend helped pick my mood up. In my drunken state I ordered pizza and then passed out for an hour after eating it. When I woke up again, it was 8.30pm and I had sobered up a bit. I continued playing H1Z1 with my friend all evening until Jordan came home and then we took it in turns at playing. My Acti-Challenge was dead but at least my mood was rock bottom I thought.


We picked Vala up Monday and on Tuesday
she went back to Infant School and reality, it seemed, returned to normal. I went to the gym and had the best workout session in well over a month and I felt positive again. But even that didn't last. It's now Thursday and I haven't even attempted to started my Acti-Challenge again. Something in my head has been switched off. I've lost all enthusiasm and motivation. I was supposed to go to the gym today but I knew as soon as I got up that I didn't want to go. I've maintained weight. Not lost anything despite constantly staying under my calorie budget and getting some exercise in. I've fallen into this rut feeling like all my efforts are for nothing and what's the point in doing anything, it never makes a difference. For that reason, I've not gone to the gym today, I've not started my Acti-Challenge again, I've not written anymore of my novel and up until today, I hadn't even written a blog post. My problem is, I don't know how to get back the feeling I had at the beginning of the year. I need a whole system reset and to start everything again but I don't know how to mentally and emotionally do that. I'm not giving up on myself, I'm just taking a break and trying to figure out what I'm doing with my life. I know in my heart that I want to lose weight. I want to finish my novel and publish it. I want to have more energy to play with Vala out and about. I was feeling set back because of the chest infection but it took the Easter weekend and the worries and the personal attack to completely destroy my mood and motivation. I'm trying not to let them win but I admit, it's really hard to fight back against the hate and rise above it. But I won't give up.

Anyway, I apologise for the super long post but hopefully, if you read this blog, you'll understand the situation and why I haven't been updating my Acti-Challenge progress. Once my mood and mindset has improved, I hope to start the challenge again and hopefully this time, nothing and no one will be the direct cause for me sabotaging me. We'll see.

Until Next Time,
Alli xoxo


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