Sunday, 30 April 2017

Wednesday, 26 April 2017

Cautiously expecting a second bundle of joy!

Hi everyone! Yes as the title explains, I have recently discovered that I am pregnant! And when I say recently, I mean two days ago. I found out two days ago. It is insanely early to be telling anyone about it but Jordan was so excited when he heard the news, he kinda blurted it out to everyone! I contemplated not blogging about it until we reached 12 weeks and found out that everything was ok after a scan. However, I figured it's a huge journey for me and worth recording in some form. Even if all goes wrong, the knowledge that our baby was loved will live on and never be forgotten.

So anyway, going off my own dates, I think I should be 4+2 weeks with a due date of December 31st (NYE baby woo!). I've got a doctors appointment next Wednesday to refer me to a midwife and then hopefully a midwife appointment in 5-6 weeks. Jordan and I are both so happy and excited about our little poppy seed sized baby and are eagerly looking forward to this journey.

Whilst I am happy, I am also very scared. I'm really overweight. Like 110kg overweight. (Can't believe i'm actually sharing my weight with you all). I've been trying desperately to cut the weight down before getting pregnant and whilst I've been successful in losing 7kg so far, I'm still a lot heavier than I was hoping I'd be by the time I got pregnant. I want to continue to lose weight but now I have to do it a lot more carefully and even more safely. I'm going to head to the gym and get a new, pregnancy friendly programme tailored for me and my calorie counting diet has just gotten a lot more strict. Pregnant women have to consume a minimum of 1700 calories to ensure both them and their babies are getting enough nutrients and energy. Thing is, the maximum calories that I can consume to continue losing 0.5kg a week is 1798 calories. So my calorie intake is gonna get a little harder with me having to meticulously control it every single day.

Last pregnancy, I suffered from tachycardia (rapid heart rate) and spent most of the pregnancy on bed rest. As a result, I put on a lot of weight. I'm worried about that reoccurring and me gaining enormous amounts of weight. No matter what the weather or my mood, I'm making a promise to myself to walk 30 mins a day minimum to help with the weight loss and hopefully help my heart cope better this time around.

I admit, I'm scared that worrying about calorie counting and forcing myself to walk everyday will end up being harmful to the baby but I'm going to do this right and speak to my gp about my options. It's important to both mine and the baby's health to keep losing weight throughout this pregnancy and I'll do whatever I can to give my unborn bundle of joy the best start in life.

Looking forward to posting regular updates and starting this journey again. Please keep me and my unborn child in your thoughts and pray that my little poppy seed is super sticky and sticks around.

Until Next Time,
Alli xo

Saturday, 22 April 2017

Cutting ties.

So since my last blog post, where I opened up about my on-going personal struggles, I've done a lot of thinking. A lot of thinking and a lot of talking with Jordan. A lot of my misery stems from still being in regular communication with my ex husband.

Now unfortunately, I can't just cut him out completely. He's still Vala's dad and she has every right to
see him and to grow up knowing him. As much as I may hate him and not trust him, it's not right for me to stop Vala seeing him and spending time with him. But just because she's going to see him, doesn't mean I have to speak to him, right? Well, for now Jordan has decided to take over correspondence with my ex so that I can get him out of my life and begin making more progress with my self-esteem. I messaged my ex today (hopefully for the last time) with a way to contact Jordan to arrange visits and video calls etc. I've kept my old phone so that when he wants to video call Vala, she can use my old phone in her bedroom so that I don't have to hear that voice that makes me want to break things. here's hoping that without him in my life now, I can finally start to focus on my happiness without constant fear of judgement and criticism from him and his family. I will still keep in touch with his family when appropriate but for now it's time to start cutting ties and to stop dwelling on the pain said ties have caused me in the past. Here's hoping it will help improve how I feel about myself.

Until Next Time,
Alli xo

Thursday, 20 April 2017

Acti-Challenge: Day One, Day One & Day One......

Alright, I really need to pump a post out so here goes. It seems I've hit a rough rut recently and it has affected me in ways I really wish it hadn't. As you know from a previous post, all my Acti-Labs products arrived and I was so excited to start this two week challenge that I had created myself called my Acti-Challenge. I was so excited to start and had all the enthusiasm and motivation in the world to get started. Yeah that's all gone now and here's why.


I woke up feeling so incredibly positive. I made my first Strip Tea and absolutely LOVED it! It has a strong smell of ginger but the flavour is very herbal. Almost like an earthy, herbal taste. First thing in the morning, it was perfect. I felt calmer about the day and more easy-going and relaxed. I then made a Rich-Chocolate Slimming Shake for breakfast and took an Acti-Vate capsule with it. I knew I had, had a good start to my day and was pumped to hit the gym. I got my gym gear on and practically skipped out the front door. I walked the whole way to the gym with a skip in my step and a smile on my face. I felt good. That's when things started going down hill. As I approached the gym I realized everything was too quiet. I'd checked Easter opening times online and it had said the gym was open but as I approached the leisure center, I found the entire place closed for Good Friday. Thanks Internet. I was pretty miffed about that as I was really looking forward to hitting the gym after three weeks off due to my chest infection and school holidays. Despite the gym being closed, I decided to not let it affect my mood. I'd still had a nice walk in the sun there and back again so at least I got some exercise. I decided I'd make my walk home even longer by stopping at Tesco to pick up a healthy lunch. This is when my day took a turn for the worst and ruined my entire Easter weekend.

My ex-husband sent me a photo of our daughter; Vala in the car as they were leaving a family Easter Egg Hunt. I was mortified to see that he and his father had placed my daughter, my tiny for her age daughter, in a booster seat instead of a stage one car seat which is needed for her size. I was so worried about her safety. I have a huge fear of driving and often have panic attacks in the car during long journeys. I'm always afraid of other drivers causing accidents after a speeding driver, running a red light, nearly crashed into a car I was in back in Australia. I knew that if their car was involved in an accident, Vala would be critically injured or worse. She was not safe on that booster seat. I replied to ex asking why she was on the wrong seat and asked if he thought it was ok to gamble with her life. He didn't respond. He ignored me all day. I spent the remainder of the day angry and scared and as a result, all efforts to be productive went out the window. I cried and shut myself in the house. Jordan came home from work and was able to calm me down for a little while but by 9pm I was crying hysterically again. I started messaging my ex again asking why he wouldn't answer me and tell me why she was in the wrong seat. Again, he read but ignored my messages. This only made me worse. Eventually, just before 10pm, I got a message. It wasn't from my ex but it was from his dad instead. He attacked me by saying that I didn't really care about Vala's safety but instead only cared about making my ex husband looked bad. He tried telling me how Vala was "legally safe" and found loopholes in the law to show me I couldn't claim what they'd done was illegal. He even bought up examples of me not caring about car seat safety from over three years ago when I was a new mum and didn't even understand the importance of car seat safety. Anything he could use against me, he did. I felt bullied and victimized. I felt like they were criticizing me for having concerns over my child's safety. I was made to feel like I was in the wrong. We argued for well over an hour and ended the conversation on fragile but calmer grounds. Needless to say I was furious with my ex for bringing his dad into the matter instead of talking to me maturely himself. I didn't feel like I could trust him with Vala's safety anymore and hated the fact she was going to be with him for another three days. I ended up drinking and using the alcohol to help me sleep.


I woke up not wanting to let the events of the previous day affect me. But they did. I decided to start my Acti-Challenge again. I got up, made my Strip Tea and took an Acti-Vate over a Cookie Dough Slimming Shake. I put my gym gear on and unlike the day before, forced myself out the door. I didn't walk to the gym with a spring in my step, instead I walked there with a heavy heart causing my feet to drag behind me. I reached the leisure center and was glad to see it was actually open. I really didn't want to exercise though. I just wanted to be home in my pj's, wrapped in a blanket, playing World of Warcraft. But I held hope that once I started my workout programme, that endorphin's would be released and I would start to feel better. Unfortunately, the opposite happened. The more I workout and the further through my programme I got, the more I wanted to go home and the sadder I felt. I left the gym after completing 90% of my programme. I dragged myself home and into the shower. Dried myself, put  my pj's back on and laid down in front of the electric fire and cried. There I remained until Jordan returned home from work hours later. I barely remember doing it but whilst laying there I ordered Chinese for dinner. I knew it was going to ruin my Acti-Challenge plans for the day but I was so depressed that I just didn't care. I just wanted anything that was going to improve my mood. I poured another glass of wine with my dinner and went through the motions the rest of the evening. Jordan got a few smiles and laughs out of me but not enough to improve my overall mood.


In all honesty, I don't even know why I bothered attempting to start my Acti-Challenge again on Easter Sunday. With how my mood had been the previous two days, I knew there was no hope for me spending Easter alone. Vala of course was at her dads and video called me to wish me a Happy Easter. I was both happy and sad to see her. Happy for obvious reasons but sad because I couldn't hold her in arms and kiss her forehead and love her like I wanted to. She was there in front of me but so far away. I was angered by the fact that her dad hadn't set up an Easter Egg hunt for her at home. He claimed the family one on Friday was her Easter Egg hunt and I had to tell her that the Easter bunny just got confused as to which house he was supposed to deliver to and that all her eggs were here waiting for her to come find them. I drank my Strip Tea whilst on the video call and shortly after the call ended, Jordan went to his friends Stag Party. He nearly cancelled because he could see straight through the mask I was wearing, telling him I'd be fine and to go have fun. As soon as he left I cried my eyes out and immediately turned to alcohol again. I was all alone and wanted so badly for the pain in my heart to go away. I drank wine and cocktails whilst lip syncing into the computers microphone. I got very very drunk. I started playing H1Z1: King of the Kill with my best friend and the combination of the alcohol, a good game and my friend helped pick my mood up. In my drunken state I ordered pizza and then passed out for an hour after eating it. When I woke up again, it was 8.30pm and I had sobered up a bit. I continued playing H1Z1 with my friend all evening until Jordan came home and then we took it in turns at playing. My Acti-Challenge was dead but at least my mood was rock bottom I thought.


We picked Vala up Monday and on Tuesday
she went back to Infant School and reality, it seemed, returned to normal. I went to the gym and had the best workout session in well over a month and I felt positive again. But even that didn't last. It's now Thursday and I haven't even attempted to started my Acti-Challenge again. Something in my head has been switched off. I've lost all enthusiasm and motivation. I was supposed to go to the gym today but I knew as soon as I got up that I didn't want to go. I've maintained weight. Not lost anything despite constantly staying under my calorie budget and getting some exercise in. I've fallen into this rut feeling like all my efforts are for nothing and what's the point in doing anything, it never makes a difference. For that reason, I've not gone to the gym today, I've not started my Acti-Challenge again, I've not written anymore of my novel and up until today, I hadn't even written a blog post. My problem is, I don't know how to get back the feeling I had at the beginning of the year. I need a whole system reset and to start everything again but I don't know how to mentally and emotionally do that. I'm not giving up on myself, I'm just taking a break and trying to figure out what I'm doing with my life. I know in my heart that I want to lose weight. I want to finish my novel and publish it. I want to have more energy to play with Vala out and about. I was feeling set back because of the chest infection but it took the Easter weekend and the worries and the personal attack to completely destroy my mood and motivation. I'm trying not to let them win but I admit, it's really hard to fight back against the hate and rise above it. But I won't give up.

Anyway, I apologise for the super long post but hopefully, if you read this blog, you'll understand the situation and why I haven't been updating my Acti-Challenge progress. Once my mood and mindset has improved, I hope to start the challenge again and hopefully this time, nothing and no one will be the direct cause for me sabotaging me. We'll see.

Until Next Time,
Alli xoxo

Sunday, 16 April 2017

Thursday, 13 April 2017

Acti journey begins!

Easters nearly upon us and I feel like all my
Easter gifts have come all at once today. Not only did we get to take Vala to meet one of her Paw Patrol heroes; Chase but also my Acti-labs Slimbassador kit arrived!

Can't express how excited I am to test out these products and start my Acti journey. My kit contained multiple slim meal replacement shakes, skinny juice, strip tea,
hydraslim, silhouette, activate, lustra diamond toothpaste, a water bottle and a large gorgeous bag. I also got some extra products to go along with the kit. Thermo and Lipo wraps, conjac sponge, diet noodles, lip crayon, eye shadow and brush, face mask and marine collagen body lotion completed my collection. First thing I wanted to do was get everything out and lay it out on my dining table but we were rushing to meet Chase so didn't get chance. Taking Vala to her fathers house has kept us out the rest of the day.

I've got it all planned out though, as of tomorrow im starting my 2 week acti-slim challenge. I'll start off every morning with a of Strip Tea followed by a meal replacement shake and a Acti-vate tablet. At the end of each day I'll write down how I felt throughout the day and after two weeks will publish the results. Not only am I hoping to see an increase in energy levels but I will also be tracking my weight loss and centimetre loss in that period. I will still be attending regular gym sessions but I will also be doing either Thermo or Lipo wraps every three days as well. We'll see how much I change in the two weeks. I'll also use the lustra diamond toothpaste and see how much whiter my teeth get.

So eager to start my challenge and test out the other products like the face mask and the make-up. I'm a massive novice when it comes to make up but experimenting should be fun! Can't wait to share all this with you! Exciting times!

Until Next Time,
Alli xo

Tuesday, 11 April 2017

New Phone!

Hey everybody!

Just a quick post to share the exciting news that my new phone arrived today! Yay! Ok the news isn't THAT exciting but it's shiny and new and therefore exciting for me haha. I've got the 2017 model Samsung Galaxy A3. Took me several hours to get it set up and a migraine inducing phone call to switch my number over only to find I just needed to activate the new sim via a website and the number would automatically transfer over. Wish I had've known that sooner because the migraine lasted most of the day and I got nothing else done all day as a result. I did manage to get out for a walk by myself after dinner though which eased the remaining pain and got my heart rate up.

I'm really sad to say goodbye to my Sony Xperia Z2 though. This phone has served me well and never ever faulted me. I contemplated trading it in and making some money but I feel an unusual attachment to the phone. I feel it's worth a lot more than the £32 I'm being offered for it. Maybe in time my attachment will fade and I'll be able to part with it but for the time being it can stay in my house, connected to the WiFi so I can still use it. It's weird, I've never had an attachment to a phone before and I'm not a phone addict. I'll happily leave me phone at home if it's not needed and never get it out during dinner or family time (except to take photos). I don't know what it is about this phone but it is time to say goodbye and move on. I'll keep the phone around but only as a spare now.

Seriously makes me unusually emotional thinking about it. Geez what is wrong with me? :P

Until Next Time,
Alli xo

Twitch Streamers to follow.

I make no secret that I'm a gamer at heart. But when I'm not playing games myself or adulting (aka parenting), I like to spend my time relaxing with a stream open and watch other people play games. A lot of people think it's weird to watch other people playing a game instead of playing it yourself but it's no different to watching people play sports that you can easily play yourself. It's also a lot more social than just sitting at home and watching tv all evening because I get to interact, not only with the streamer but also fellow game enthusiasts as well. I even met my partner; Jordan, through a stream. We started off just talking via Twitch chat but then it broadened to Discord then skype, then Facebook and eventually, after a friendship had grown, we started dating. Been together 16 months now! So watching streams can actually change your life haha. Below I've compiled a list of a few streamers to follow. I like to support small streamers so all these channels are quite small. They're all lovely people though and are very friendly and welcoming to new viewers/followers in their communities. So if you're into videos games and you find yourself bored throughout the day/night, have a look to see if any of these streamers are online.

Dante557: AKA Jordan; my partner. His stream is where I spend most of my time.
JonOfAllGames: Jon's stream is actually where I met Jordan. He's an awesome guy! Streams daily.
IanChandler1990: A very good friend of mine. Also met through Jon. Adult only streams.
Zennox: My best friend. Often appears in stream with Jordan, Ian and myself.
Ruben: A crazy Dutchman. A fellow Brew Crew member I met through Jon.
KT: Chick Gamer woo! Very lovely friend of mine and fellow Brew Crew buddy.
Tbone: My American partner in crime. Has the biggest heart. Super friendly guy.
Lavangfan: Fellow Brew Crew buddy. Streams very regularly. Great guy.
Qelric: New mum. Avid WoW player. Absolute sweetheart to everyone.

So there you have it. Just a short list of some great streamers to go follow and support. Some of them use streaming as their main source of income, others stream for fun. Whatever their reasons, they're all fun, entertaining people to watch that'll help cure your boredom. They also have great communities so you can meet new people and make some lifelong friends while you're there. I know I've made quite a few lifelong friends from Twitch. Needless to say Twitch has changed my life for the better. So go, say hello and show your support to some wonderful people.

Until Next Time,
Alli xo

Monday, 10 April 2017

My Acti Journey

So after months of using their amazing products, I've finally decided to take the plunge and become and Act-Labs Ambassador! I admit, this is very VERY daunting for me. I don't think I have what it takes but the friend who first introduced the products to me has confidence in me. I'll write about my experiences on this journey and about the products I love. They really are amazing, I mean why else would I sign on to this? Ever since I started my weight loss and self improvement journey, Acti-Labs has been in my life. I still enjoy their weight loss shakes and wrap myself with their slimming wraps ALL. THE. TIME! I really do love their products and whilst I'm really nervous about starting this new journey, I'm also excited to share it with you all. And hey, if I do manage to make a sale here and there, I'll be able to provide more for my family so a good reason to give it a shot. You can find my Acti site HERE! Positive vibes!

Until Next Time,
Alli xo

Weight set back

Ugh, Monday again! That special day off the week that leaves everyone feeling meh. Well I though I had escaped the meh feeling today but I was wrong.

I worked my buttocks off at the gym today! Even struggled with my programme but pushed through and came out looking like a sweaty red lobster. I felt proud that I'd
pushed through the pain and finished my programme. But then I stepped on the scales. The weight was lower than what my previous weigh in was (at the gym) but higher than what I weighed a couple days ago at home. I shrugged the number off though because I'd had a big meal before my workout and consumed half a litre of water during it. What really miffed me off was the fat percentage had risen by 3% whilst my muscle percentage had dropped by 1%. I knew I couldn't have three weeks off the gym without consequences but I'd kept below my 1798 calorie budget and had engaged in other physical activity, like walking, with my family in that time. I knew fat would still increase but didn't think it'd be that much.

So yeah, seems by chest infection caused more problems than just violent coughing and vomiting. Now I have to work even harder to get my percentages back to what they were three weeks ago. Admittedly I feel a little disheartened and demotivated but I'm not going to let it defeat me. I'll hit the gym hard this weekend whilst Vala is with relatives. Determined to get my weight down! Never giving up!

Until Next Time,
Alli xo

Thursday, 6 April 2017

Day at the Seaside

Happy Thursday everyone!

What glorious weather we've been having this week. Perfect weather for school Easter holidays! Also perfect for day trips down to the seaside as a family!

That's right, we packed ourselves up in the car and drove all the way to Mablethorpe Beach on the east coast of the Midlands. Whilst I grew up next to the beach, this was only Vala's third time ever visiting one. She first visited one at nine months old. We went again when she was two and a half and now at three and half. It was her second time in the sea and she was a little unsure about it at first. When the cold water rushed over her feet, she staggered backwards to try and get away and instead flopped down onto her bottom, soaking her from bum down. She cried at first but quickly realised she was enjoying the waves crashing over her feet and began laughing and splashing about. She didn't want to get out of the sea but when she started shivering, I thought it was time to go build sandcastles instead.

We've never made sandcastles at the beach together before but I have a feeling she's made a few at infant school because she knew exactly what she was doing. Together with me and Jordan, we made a pretty cool looking castle. Her favourite part though, was definitely smashing it at the end. There was literally nothing left by the time she'd finished hulk smashing her way through it.

What's a trip to the seaside without the traditional British treats? We stopped by a local fish n chips kiosk and grabbed some chips followed by soft ice-cream and donuts. Totally not a healthy lunch but... when at the seaside! Ended the day visiting two of the local games arcades. They're not really my cuppa tea, if im honest. I just see them as ways to promote gambling to youngsters but Jordan said no trip to the seaside was complete without visiting an Arcade. So we went and Vala had fun going on a few kids rides and kicking Jordan's butt at a game of Air Hockey. She had a wonderful time and despite not wanting to leave, practically fell asleep on Jordan's shoulder on the walk back to the car.

We're home now and all quite tuckered out from the long but fun day out. Would love to go back to the beach again soon. Hopefully won't leave it another eleven months before going back again.

Until Next Time,
Alli xo.