Saturday, 18 March 2017

Short Story: Attack of the Fast Food Chains.


Attack of the Fast Food Chains.
By Alison D.

It was a typical Saturday night. Light rain sprinkled onto a blue Fiat Punto as it cruised along the motorway in the dead of night. Inside the car, Presidante and Netirial were returning from dropping their daughter at her biological fathers house. Conversation flowed easily enough but the trip remained boring. Little did they know that an incoming road diversion would send them on the wildest adventure of their young lives.

They reached the diversion in no time at all and the decision had to be made, whether to follow the diversion signs or their sat nav. Foolishly, Presidante gave to much faith to their sat nav and they ended up going around in circles. It was clear that their sat nav was an idiot. Changing tactics, they began to follow the diversion signs and found themselves passing a KFC.
“Ooh I could smash a Zinger Burger right about now.” Netirial said, starring hungrily out her window as they drove by. Presidante pointed out an approaching McDonald's
“How about a Big Mac?” he asked jokingly. Netirial scoffed at the mere mention of the idea.
“Pfft, who da fuck do you think you are?” she yelled. “Fucking coming in here, with your stupid Big Macs. Big Macs are not Zingers.” she continued, trying not to start laughing. Presidante began chuckling and pointed out that the McDonald's would hear her and get offended. Netirial turned to the window as they began to passed the restaurant.
“Fuck you McDonald's!” she yelled. Presidante started laughing but was quickly interrupted as a Big Mac came hurtling toward their car and splatted against the window.
“What the?!” he cried out in surprise. Suddenly a whole swarm of Big Mac’s began raining down upon the car. “I told you, you’d offend it!” he yelled to Netirial. Netirial turned in her seat, glancing out the back window.
“Fuck you and your gross Big Macs!” she yelled again. This really pissed the McDonald’s off. Arms suddenly began extending out the side of the building and within moments, the McDonald’s began lifting itself out of the ground. The building turned and began hopping heavily down the street in pursuit of their car. Loud crashing thuds echoed out, with each hop. The ground vibrated as if re-enacting a scene from Jurassic Park.
“See what have you done!” Presidante snapped. Netirial didn’t care and continued to mock the McDonalds with insults. It wasn’t long until they could see a Burger King looming out of the distance and despite his better judgement, Presidante felt the need to ask.
“How about a Whopper?” Netirial flashed him an exaggerated look of disgust.
“Who da fuck do you actually think you are!” she said. “Fucking Big Macs and now Whoppers?! Where the fuck is my Zinger?” she bellowed. Presidante began laughing again as he checked his rear view mirror. The McDonalds was still in hot pursuit.
“Fuck you Burger King, with your overpriced, crappy, non-zinger burger, burgers! I hate you!” Netirial yelled whilst cackling. It seemed like McDonalds, Burger King wasn’t going to take any of this crap and it too, lifting itself out of the ground and began chasing their vehicle. Whoppers and Big Macs bombarded their car but that didn’t stop them. Netirial wasn’t done though.
“Fuck McDonalds! Fuck Burger King! Fuck Pizza Hut, Dominos and Subway! Where’s my Zinger!” she demanded. Then, as if sent from heaven, a KFC appeared over the hill and opened it’s arms towards them. Netirial’s eyes lit up and her face beamed with joy.
“ZINGER!” She sung out. The KFC building wrapped it’s arms around their car, pulling them in close for safety. Netirial lowered the window as a Zinger burger magically levitated towards them. Salivating, she began slowly unravelling the burgers wrapper. The burger was beautiful. Closing her eyes, Netirial sunk her teeth into the soft, spongy bun, savouring every flavour as she chewed slowly. Time seemed to slow and she’d forgotten all about the pursuit behind them. The only thing she cared about in that moment, was her delicious Zinger burger.

‘THUD! THUD! THUD!’ echoed out behind them. Seeing as they weren’t driving any more, Presidante unfastened his seat belt and turned around in his seat and looked on in terror as the Burger King and McDonald’s moved closer and closer to them.
“What are we going to do?” he cried but Netirial remained oblivious to the impending doom. Presidante needn’t have feared though as KFC wasn’t going to let anything happen to them. The building pushed their car behind it, hiding them from view. As McDonald’s and Burger King reached KFC, punches started being thrown. At first, KFC took the brunt of the hits from both buildings but then they turned on each other. There could be only one fast food chain and it was to be a fight to the death! The trio threw punches left, right and centre and smashed their walls up against one another. Patrons inside the restaurants, screamed hysterically as they clung onto their tables for dear life. In the distance, the sound of more impacting concrete rang out. The trio paused for a moment and turned to see Pizza Hut hopping slowly down the road toward them with Domino’s close behind. Domino’s clawed at the back of Pizza Hut, desperately trying to be the dominant Pizza store. The pair joined the trio and the fighting started up again. Signs were being ripped off, windows were shattering and patrons were being hurtled across the restaraunts violently. Presidante could do nothing but look on in horror at the violent scene before him. Netirial on the other hand, still hadn’t even looked up from her Zinger. She had eaten half of it already but continued to savour each bite. Somewhere in the chaos, a small little Subway building had emerged and began cheering for KFC on the sidelines. In the corner of his eye, Presidante noticed a small Greggs building rocking back and force with water leaking out it’s windows. The building cried in fear and begged the other buildings to stop fighting. But they didn’t. Burger King didn’t last too much longer as it received two simultaneous knock out blows. One from McDonalds on it’s left and the other from Pizza Hut on it’s right. Burger King keeled back and with a massive thud, landed heavily on it’s back. Soft drink began pouring out from the cracks in the walls and within minutes, Burger King had bled out.

The loss of Burger King didn’t slow the other buildings down though. Their violent acts only grew more aggressive. Dominos continued to focus solely on Pizza Hut whilst it focused on taking out McDonalds and KFC. McDonalds used Pizza Hut’s disinterest in Dominos to it’s advantage and lifted the smaller Pizza store high into the air and began beating Pizza Hut with it. Through the senseless beating, Domino’s took too much damage and died in McDonald’s hands. Pizza Hut was knocked out cold and McDonald’s turned back to KFC and used Domino’s lifeless corpse to repeatedly beat it in the same fashion. KFC’s structure was too weak to take on that much damage and the whole building crumbled until all that was left was rubble. McDonald’s threw Dominos away and stood victorious amongst it’s fallen competitors. Only, it had forgotten Subway had been on the sidelines the whole time. Mortified from seeing his best friend murdered, Subway whipped out his massive twelve inch Italian sausage sub and in a helicopter formation, began to beat McDonald’s with it. McDonald’s couldn’t compete against the speed, enormity and weight of Subway’s twelve inch sub and tried to retreat. Subway was relentless though and tripped McDonald’s up causing to land heavily onto the unconscious Pizza Hut. The beloved pizza joint was squashed under the weight of McDonald’s and died just as graphically as all the rest. McDonald’s, barely conscious, looked up to see the small Subway standing before it. With a final swing of it’s sub, Subway impacted McDonald’s causing the roof to be ripped from the building. Food and drinks began pouring out of the gaping hole in McDonald’s ceiling and Subway spat a large gob of mayonnaise onto the lifeless pile of concrete. It brushed itself off and threw a threatening glare over to Greggs, whom was still crying hysterically on the corner. Subway turned and began hopping away leaving only Presidante and Netirial surrounded by the rubble remains of the other food chains. Presidante sat speechless, mouth agape in horror. Netirial however, had just finished her Zinger and began licking her fingers clean in satisfaction.
“That was good.” She sighed happily turning to Presidante. “Shall we go?” she asked. Presidante said nothing but slowly turned back around, fastened his seat belt again and started the engine. Keeping it in first gear, Presidante slowly and carefully navigated his way out of the carnage.

It wasn’t long before the diversions ended and the little Punto sped off into the night. Presidante and Netirial never did find out what happened after they left the grizzly scene but the next morning saw the arrival of civil engineer. A tubby man who waddled towards the devastation and removed his hard hat in frustration.
“Not again.” he sighed to himself.



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