Friday, 31 August 2018

Spells worn off...but I've learned from it.

So whoever weaved their magic spell of positivity into my mind should know that it has sadly worn off. Yesterday did NOT go according to plan. In fact, it went completely opposite of what I had planned and I'm still really upset about it.

On Wednesday I bought myself some new gym clothes, hoping it would motivate me to go back to the gym. After buying the clothes, I noticed there was a Zumba class on tomorrow (Thursday) and I decided to try to get to that instead of the gym. However, overnight my brain got to work and convinced me that a Zumba class was probably too much, too soon. After all, the reason I've not been to the gym in 3 months is because I struggled on the easiest settings, going at my own pace; how could I possibly keep up in a group environment? So I already woke up feeling less than positive. In fact, I actually woke up feeling exhausted due to bad sleep and very very grumpy. I was still determined to go to the gym though. I very slowly started getting ready to go and just before I finished getting dressed, Jordan and I had a bit of a fight and in the heat of the argument, he said something off-hand that upset me.

Now I'll spare you all the details of the fight but long story short, I felt too guilty and selfish to actually go to the gym. I resumed my usual fetal position in bed and tried my hardest not to cry over what a failure I truly am. When everything had calmed down, Jordan felt incredibly guilty as well. He wanted me to go to the gym and felt bad that something he said (but didn't mean) caused me to not go. We put everything on hold for a bit though as by this time it was nearly dinner time and we took Vala to McDonalds. Not the best dinner for us but she'd listened to mummy and daddy fighting all afternoon so it was only fair for her. After the kids had gone to bed though, Jordan and I did reconnect and make up. We got to the root of the problem that caused the argument and as a team, we're going to work to fix it. So at least that was kinda a positive from yesterday.

Today has already been hard. I really didn't want to get up but since Jordan's not home, I had to. Anyone who knows me, knows I don't really like to get dressed when I'm just at home bumming around but I have learned that getting dressed in the morning does help me feel slightly better. Not the most comfortable, but better. So no more comfy singlet and underwear days for me. It's not just the getting dressed in the morning that I've learned from. I did a few things this week that I found did help. They include:

  • Keeping a journal beside my bed to reflect on my day before sleep
  • Washing my face every morning and night
  • Cutting out my screen time 30 mins before bed
  • A cup of coffee goes a long way in the morning
  • Reading after my journal entry and before sleep, helps me fall asleep with less on my mind.
These things may seem pretty obvious to a lot of you but they're things that I never really did often. They are were out of character for me. I have learned from this week though and my brief illusion of positivity and I aim to keep working towards a more positive attitude. I feel like this week is a bit of a write off for me, I'm still doing a few things, like writing in my journal before sleep but I'm not forcing myself to keep going when things get hard. I'm just relaxing now and letting myself breathe. Next week Vala starts school and on Monday I want to try and start a new routine for myself. I'm giving myself this weekend to say goodbye to the current, old me before I welcome in the new me on Monday. Just hope I can do this. 

Until next time,
Alli xo

Wednesday, 29 August 2018

Something has changed.

So I don't know what has come over me but since my last blog post but something has changed. On Sunday I bought two new "mum" shirts and I wore one on Monday and one yesterday and suddenly I felt more positive than normal and I was more productive. I actually felt like a proper mum for the first time in forever! (We also may have listened to the Frozen soundtrack a few times yesterday).

I don't know if it's the new mum shirts that have filled me with a sense of hope and given me my
fighting spirit or if last weeks breaking point was literally rock bottom for me and now I'm building myself back up but whatever it is giving me this positive outlook, I hope it doesn't go away any time soon. I won't lie, it is absolutely exhausting! It's like wearing a mask to hide my postnatal depression, only I've not put the mask on. I feel this sense of determination and positivity but deep down, I can still hear the muffled voices of my depression and feel the pain and anguish resonating from my heart. Honestly, it's incredibly difficult to explain how I am feeling but it's like I'm not actually in control of myself right now. Like, I can hear the voices and feel the pain demanding me to stop what I'm doing and resume my fetal position in my bed but at the same time, something out of my control is not letting me give in.

On Monday I went out wearing one of my new mum tops and I put a tiny bit of make up on and even styled my hair differently. I looked at myself in the mirror and the negative voices told me I looked ridiculous and was I seriously considering going out looking like that? I stood there and actually said aloud to my reflection "I look absolutely fine, shut up!" and then turned away and walked out my front door. Looking back now I'm like "Who is controlling me?!" I have NOT had the ability to say a single nice thing to my reflection in forever and then not only did I say something moderately nice but I also told the negative me to shut up?! What is even happening?! Who brainwashed me while I slept and is controlling me? I wanna say stop it but I'm liking being more positive so, uh, keep going?

It's a really weird feeling right now and I am in a constant state of exhaustion but I'm not giving up yet. I'm planning on buying myself a new gym outfit later and seeing if the power of clothes can once again works its magic and get my lazy butt back into the gym. I guess, tune in Friday to see if I actually do make it to the gym tomorrow!

Until next time,
Alli xo

Monday, 27 August 2018

The week that broke me

Hello everyone, I hope you are all well. I must apologise for my absence last week but it was a very tough week for myself and especially Jordan. I am actually writing this post at 12:45am Sunday morning after going through one of the worst low episodes I've ever had. Last week really broke me and here's why...

Trying to be a better mother.

Seems like an unusual thing to break me; surely being a better mother would make you happy right?
Well you're right, it should've made me feel happier because since Vala returned home on Monday night, I've spent every single day doing fun and exciting things with her, trying to rekindle our bond. Trouble is Vala had other ideas and unknowingly kept driving a knife through my heart. Every time we went out and did anything, multitudes of tantrums came with us. She threw a paddy over every single tiny thing she didn't get her way on and it sent my anxiety through the roof and made me feel like I was somehow failing her. Then she kept saying the phrase that dug the knife in deep; "I miss my dad." Here I was, trying my absolute hardest to bond with her, make memories and have fun and all she could think about was her dad. I took her to a giant ball pit and played in it with her. I took her to a man-made beach in the centre of town with Jordan and Flynn, we made sandcastles and went on rides together. I took her to swimming lessons and cheered her on from the side. We made 34 cupcakes and 26 cookies together in a single day. I took her to meet Cat Boy from the PJ Masks and took her shopping for a spoil day. I even took her on a play date with her best friend Lacey and still all she could tell me was that she missed her dad. Everyone has told me, it's natural for her to miss her dad but I couldn't help but be effected by it and wonder why she kept saying it every time I did anything fun with her. After all, her dad did literally nothing with her during her stay so what exactly was she missing?

The passing of a loved one.

For a while now, Jordan's nonna has been battling cancer and last week she sadly passed away. Whilst it was expected, it still came as quite a shock to all of us and I still don't know how to process the news or even help Jordan grieve. I didn't know her well but she did take Vala and I in and treat us as family. She started spoiling Vala like she was her own great-granddaughter before she'd even met her. She always asked me if I was alright and took an interest in my life. I could tell she cared about me. When she was diagnosed with cancer, I was pregnant with Flynn and she told Jordan that she planned to live long enough to meet her great-grandson. Not only did she meet him, but she got to see him grow over the first 8 months of his life and through videos and sometimes in person, witness his milestones. One of the last things she saw was a video of Flynn crawling and I am so glad she got to see that. The day after her passing, Jordan took a personal day off work and I couldn't help him grieve. Vala decided to throw a massive tantrum that resulted in me crying my eyes out in the kitchen. Instead of taking the day to mourn, he ended up having to accompany me, Vala and Flynn on our trip into town because I wasn't strong enough to deal with Vala. I felt terrible that he had to spend his personal day, carrying a tantruming Vala around town instead of being with his mum and mourning with her. I felt I failed both him and Vala that day.

Trying to revive the past.

Recently I watched a YouTube video from nearly three years ago. It features myself, Jordan and a number of our online friends playing a game together (whilst drinking) and laughing so hard we were crying and hurting. It bought a huge smile to my face. That group of friends hadn't really spent much time together since Jordan and I began dating because a couple of the guys in the group also "liked" me and when I became unavailable, they didn't want anything to do with Jordan and our circle of friends. For the longest time, I felt like crap that I couldn't hang out with my circle of friends anymore because I wasn't single. Anyway, time has passed and those guys have moved on and we're all on talking grounds again, so I thought why not get the old group back together and play that same game and see if we can't all laugh together once again. I got some beer, had the guys on voice chat with Jordan beside me and we started playing. We laughed and acted like idiots and for a short time, I got what I wanted; my friends back. Then it ended. It got late and rather than winding down and casually talking before going to bed, one guy left without even saying goodbye because his girlfriend was online. Another guy fell asleep on the call and Jordan and I were left trying to wake him. When the call ended, this feeling of loss washed over me. What I'd felt during those couple of hours didn't feel real. Like, everyone was just being nice going along with my fantasy that things could go back to the way they were. In reality though, they all have different lives now and other places they'd rather be and that's when I broke. Everyone had moved on....except for me. It was the final straw on a crappy week. 

The PND tidal wave. 

I'd spent all week fighting my PND and the demons inside of me, trying my hardest to be better for my kids, better for Jordan and better for myself and the moment I broke, a weeks worth of negative energy crippled me. Every negative thought and emotion ran through me and I seriously wanted to start brutally hitting myself across the head to make the voices stop. I told Jordan that I wasn't ok and suddenly wanted to hurt myself and he held me very close and tight. I fell asleep in his arms and woke several hours later in an empty bed. I hadn't heard his alarm, or him getting out of bed; I didn't even hear him leave for work. He was just gone and I couldn't function without him. I felt so alone and confused and lost. The night before felt like a complete dream but yet my heart felt like it was about to break and I was having to hold back tears. My mind was completely vacant. Their were no voices, no thoughts, no demons....nothing. I kept zoning out but thinking of nothing. I couldn't think of anything. I felt nothing but empty. Getting out of bed was harder than it had ever been and when Flynn went down for a nap, I cocooned myself back in my duvet while Vala drew and played with her barbies. I counted down the minutes until Jordan got home and then cried in his arms when he returned. 

As I write this, I still don't actually know how I feel. My head feels like a vice is squeezing my brain and the pressure is almost unbearable. Whilst my heart doesn't feel like it's breaking anymore, multiple different emotions are still playing havoc with it. The demons and voices haven't returned yet but the thoughts have. I spent the entire day unable to conjure a single thought and now I can't silence them. I feel so lost. So confused. So.... so..... I don't even know. I have run out of words now and I can feel my body trying to shut down to restore itself. I think it is time I power down for now and let my soul heal. 

Until next time,
Alli xo

Sunday, 26 August 2018

Monday, 20 August 2018

Monthly Flynn Update: 8 Months

Time really needs to slow down, it's making my baby grow up far too quickly. Today he is 8 months old and it's like he has change dramatically overnight! It's been a roller-coaster month in terms of development with Flynn but thankfully a lot more positives than negatives.

How's Flynn Doing?

Flynn's weight loss continued this month but far more dramatically than we were anticipating. At his lowest weight, he got back down to 6.8kg! That's less than his weight at 6 months old. The cause for his sudden drop in weight was caused by two factors, sudden major increase in appetite and an increase in activity. He went from only eating half a small jar of baby food to suddenly eating half to three quarters of a large jar, seemingly overnight. My breast milk also wasn't enough for him on it's own anymore and he began waking three times in the night again for more feeds. He now has as much baby food as he wants after every breastfeed (excluding the feed in the middle of the night). His weight has gone back up to 7.3kg as of today. Still lower than his 6 month weight but at least he's gaining weight again instead of losing it. 

Now to the positives. He's commando crawling! Five days ago he impressed us by crawling across the livingroom floor in pursuit of toys. He'd been pulling himself along our bed using the bed sheets for a while but when placed on the floor, he wouldn't move. Five days ago hr finally did it and I caught the whole thing on camera. Now he's constantly wanting to be on the move and there's no stopping him. He is also copying us now. He copies sounds we make and we're hoping that soon he'll be trying to say actual words. He has also learned to say no....sort of. He has mastered the art of the head shake and likes to shake his head at us quite a bit. However when he has had enough baby food, he lets us know by shaking his head when the next spoonful is presented to him. He still has ZERO teeth but has no issue chomping down on his baby food. He hasn't had much in the way of solid, solid foods like toast or soft fruits for the simple fact the lack of teeth makes me nervous to give it to him. That, plus he also tries to shove the entire piece into his mouth at once. This month I aim to give him more solid foods and try to get over my fears of him choking on large, unchewed pieces.

How's Mum Doing?

More of the same old, same old. Postnatal depression still weighs heavily upon me and I've even found new triggers that crash my mood faster than frozen urinal water being ejected from an aeroplane. The term "adulting" has been quite frequent in my vocabulary lately. I don't feel like an actual adult at all. I covered this in another post earlier this month but to reiterate, I've felt like a loser who is still living in her late teens/early twenties. Staying up late playing video games, not taking proper care of myself or the house, even feeling like I'm not adult enough to be a mother. Feeling like I'm not good enough for my kids or that I'm letting them down is nothing new and it's essentially the hallmark of my postnatal depression. I still have a great support network but these new triggers haven't been helping me improve at all.

Physically, I've had new motivation from a lovely lady I've befriended online. She's supporting me and encouraging me to make good choices and to get out and be more active. After a single conversation with her, I went out for a 1hr and 20 min walk around the local lake with Jordan and Flynn. Not only did I walk around the lake but I also stretched out my muscles properly, did jumping, high kicks, push ups, tricep dips and even attempted to jog! My SPD has been flaring up a lot recently though and my groin hurt way too much to actually jog properly. But I still tried! And I felt really proud of myself for doing it. I sent my friend photos of our walk and kept her updated of what I was doing and she was like my own personal cheer squad, cheering me on and telling to keep going. I feel really good having her support and I don't even know her real name. I just know her as Crimson and that's what I continue to call her. I like having a female friend to talk about this stuff with and more people in my support network is always a positive!

So overall this last month has been an eventful one for both Flynn and myself. His weight and my mood both dropped but both our levels of activity increased! If I didn't know any better, I'd say we were starting to mirror one another. My prediction with him crawling by 8 months was correct though, so I'm going to make another prediction for this month and say that he will be pulling himself up by this time next month. I can see it now, 9 month old Flynn, standing at the coffee table, he pulled himself up to. Baby proofing naturally  has already begun but I am so excited to see what he's going to get up to next!

Until next time.
Alli xo

Sunday, 19 August 2018

Wednesday, 15 August 2018

Trying to adult.

 Happy hump day everyone! We're midweek already I want to say that the weekend can't come soon enough but with Vala away and Jordan working weekends, there is literally no difference between a Wednesday and a Saturday you me currently. Still,  I hope the weekend comes quickly for all of you.

So the launch of Blizzard's new World of Warcraft expansion went live Monday night and in the final hour leading up to launch, I started feeling like a massive loser. Here I am, a grown woman, 27 years of age, waited eagerly at 10:30pm for a video game to go live so I can play it for hours while stuffing Skittles into my mouth. I felt far from an adult and came close to shutting down my pc and walking away.

I'm not going to lie; I love video games. I love playing them, the joy I get from them and how some make me connect with the characters emotionally. But in that moment, I felt stupid. A loser, with no life. My house is in shambles and there I am gaming at bed time. Pathetic. I did push those thoughts out my head once the expansion went live but I couldn't get as invested as I'd have liked.

Today I've been trying to "adult". I got early....ish and went for a long walk around the local lake with Jordan and Flynn. It took us 1hr and 20 mins to get around. I did stretches and a bit of cardio and various break points. I even tried jogging but I still suffer with SPD and it hurt way to much to jog. I still tried though. After the walk we went to Morrison's and for lunch I made a fresh salad from their "make your own salad" section.

I started feeling good about my choices for the day but as soon as we got home, my energy drained and my mood dropped. Jordan's mum called him and bought up finances and responsibilities again and it made me feel like a irresponsible teen again. The lack of energy and the sudden decline in mood meant I fell asleep on the sofa. Jordan told me to go to bed for a proper nap because I need to care for myself more. Now here I am after waking from said nap, feeling groggy as hell and still like a failure. I've not done anything to clean the house as planned and it's nearly dinner time now. Jordan has done a bit, no thanks to me. Feel useless. Even when I try to adult, I still end up feeling like a kid. I don't know why I'm so bad at this but I'm still trying.

Until next time,
Alli xo

Monday, 13 August 2018

Geeking out with Battle for Azeroth

Happy Monday everyone! I am full of cold today and feeling rough as hell but it is not dampening my spirits because tonight is the global launch of Blizzards new World of Warcraft expansion; Battle for Azeroth! We're T-minus 9 hours until it launches and I am FINALLY starting to feel excited about it.

For a lot of you, none of this will mean anything but the last few expansions, Horde and Alliance forces have had to work together to defeat a common enemy, this expansion we're killing each other and destroying places the other faction loves (RIP Teldrassil and Lorderon). I hadn't been excited about this story line at all because after so many expansions working together, it seemed really stupid that we should turn on each other as soon as we defeat the common enemy.

However, the closer we've got to the launch, the more excited I've become. The pre-patch content has actually evoked a lot of emotion and passion in me. The writing and story-telling is brilliant. It has made me hate the leader of the horde with a burning passion and has created an unwavering loyalty to my faction. I play Alliance and I felt proud to stand beside our king and kick some horde backside outside of Lorderon.

I've never felt so passionate about the story-lines as I do in this expansion; and it's not even launched yet. I'm really hoping the story throughout this expansion is just as good as it has been during the pre-patch content. This game and it's story is actually making me feel genuine emotion and connections to people and places. I hope that one day my writing can create this kind of emotion in my readers as I'm feeling playing WoW.

I've got my six max level characters ready to start the levelling grind to 120. I've got drinks and snacks to keep me going and I'm eagerly awaiting the launch at 11pm tonight. The servers are always crazy busy and it's amazing to be in a world full of other people, all sharing the same experience. I'm pumped!

Until next time,
Alli xo

Sunday, 12 August 2018

Saturday, 11 August 2018

I thought I was a failure before....

Hey everyone, sorry for the late post, got caught up doing stuff yesterday and before i knew it, it was 12:30am and time for bed. I truly wish this could be a positive post but its not. In fact, I was just having a good cry before sitting down to write this so it's a fairly upsetting post for me.

Lately Flynn has been demanding more
breastfeeds and always comes off crying as if he's still hungry. I'd always check my breast and milk would come out when squeezed so I knew there was still milk to give. Still, Flynn would scream and desperately try to latch back on, only to come off again 10 seconds later screaming as if he was getting nothing. I couldn't understand it, I could get milk out of me so surely I wasn't empty was I? I started feeding him from both breasts at feeding time but even that didn't seem enough. His demands for more feeds kept growing that I started thinking I didnt have enough time between feeds to produce more milk.

Then the problem got worse today. After feeding Flynn from both breasts, he started screaming while standing on my legs. I saw his tummy when he breathed in to cry, the skin looked loose when he inhaled. That worried me so i immediately put him on our scales; 6.8kg! I nearly died when I saw the number. He was 7.5kg at 7 months. He has lost so much weight! My breastmilk supply must be worse than I thought if he's lost almost a kilo in under a month.

Thing is, you cant really tell that he is being under-fed unless you can see his stomach when he's crying. He has no lose skin normally, is a very happy and healthy baby with an abundance of energy and smiles. He's not constantly demanding food or trying to feed from me either. His personality hasnt changed at all, he isn't more lethargic or sleeping more etc. I just noticed that during regular feeds he kept wanting more and more and never seeming like he'd had enough. He has started also waking 3 times in the night again in the last week which is counting towards him demanding more feeds.

The thing that confuses me more is that he is having solids now as well. I always start him on breastmilk then give him 7 month+ jars of baby food and feed him until he refuses more. We havent been doing that at every feed though and I admit he is further behind on weaning than I thought he would be. Moving all the furniture around and having a lot of disorder in our life at the moment, has really slowed progress down.

I've told Jordan that he has to have solids are every breastfeed (excluding night feeds) now and finger food snacks in between. We need to catch him up to where he should be. At 8 months Vala was eating entire yogurt and fruit bars and Flynn is still spitting out the chunks in his baby food.

So yeah, I thought I felt like a failure
before.... I didn't realise how little my breastmilk was for him at this point. He's behind on weaning, he's lost a lot of weight and I'm clearly not producing enough milk for him anymore and all those facts have left me feeling like the biggest failure ever! As I said, I had a good cry about it earlier after I weighed him. I feel like a failure because it took me this long to notice. I feel like a failure because looking at him, I thought everything was fine. I feel like a failure because I just assumed the demands for more feeds were because he's more active and going through a growth spurt. I feel like a failure because I feel like I've unintentionally and unknowingly been starving my precious bundle of joy.

I love Flynn so much and feeling like I've failed him so bad, kills me inside. Im keeping an eye on his weight and if we dont see an increase in a couple weeks after a lot more solid food feeds, I'll be taking him to the doctor. I will keep you all updated.

Until next time,
Alli xo

Wednesday, 8 August 2018

The value of good friends

Hey everyone, just a short and sweet post from me today. Earlier I was playing a game called The Forest with my friend who was streaming. He goes by the online name "Charcoalrav3n" and I met him back in Australia when we worked in stores opposite one another. We'd not spoken in nearly 8 years when suddenly he started streaming on Twitch and I found him.

Anyway, over the course of the last 4-5 months, I've been frequenting the stream and playing with him and honestly laughing so much. He has been making my PND more bearable and his streams actually help me be more productive. He's also been supporting my writing endeavour and even sent me some of my favourite cordial from back home. An act of kindness that cost way too much money.

Basically, what I'm trying to get at is the value of good friends in your life is immeasurable. I feel happier and better about myself because of one friend and that's amazing. I'm very lucky to have some amazing friends!

Until next time,

Monday, 6 August 2018

Riverside Festival 2018

Happy Monday Everyone! I hope you're not suffering from Mondayitis on this gorgeous day. I for one, am tired but the case of the Monday's hasn't gotten to me....yet. We took Vala to her grandparents yesterday where she's staying for a week before spending a week with her dad. That means we're Valaless for two whole weeks! On the drive home Jordan and I decided to use this time to get the house cleared of clutter and sort some stuff out. That is why I don't have Mondayitis; because right now I am filled with a sense of purpose! I've got a lot to do and a busy me equals a happier me. But today's post isn't about all that stuff, no. Today's post is about what we did as a family on Saturday night before taking Vala to her grandparents. We went to the Riverside Festival together.

The Riverside Festival is on for 3 days of the year and Jordan and I have gone twice now. Last year
Vala was already with her grandparents so we couldn't take her but this year we could! It was Vala and Flynn's first time at the Riverside Festival and they both had very different emotions about it.
Vala absolutely LOVED it! She wanted to go on almost every single ride she laid her eyes on. Just not the Ferris Wheel, that thing was "too big" and "too scary" for Vala. But she did ask to go on a giant rotating arm ride called X'treme, which basically flips its occupants upside down in a spinning motion whilst the arm rotates to a height of approximately 80 or 90 feet. Jordan and I both laughed and said she was too small to go on it. She went on a bunch of kids rides though and one adult ride. As we passed the second ever adults ride that I went on, she pointed to it and asked if she could go on. I thought she'd be too little but she was taller than the line on their height chart so she and I hopped on. I honestly thought that when it started, she would freak out, start panicking and ask to get off. I could not have been more wrong. The faster we spun around the louder she squealed in delight. She squealed, laughed, threw her arms up in the air and waved to Jordan and Flynn as we zoomed passed. I was so proud of how brave she was. She really impressed me. She ran to Jordan jumping up and down when we got off screaming "I loved it! I loved it!" We both just laughed happily at our little daredevil.

Flynn's opinion of the festival could not have been more opposite of Vala's. He hated the noise of all the rides his sister was on and cried every single time she was on one. He did seem fascinated by all the flashing lights but the noise overwhelmed him more than the lights did and on multiple occasions, Jordan got him out the pram for koala cuddles (where Flynn clings to Jordan's chest) and to cover his ears. He was a lot calmer in his daddy's arms but due to the crowds, it was safer to walk through the embankment with him in the pram. As it got later and later in the evening, Flynn got crankier and crankier. Which is understandable as we were out passed the kids usual bed time. That was because we were hanging around to watch the fireworks which were starting at 10:30pm. When we found a spot to sit and watch the fireworks, we wrapped Flynn up in his pram and hoped that being away from all the rides would mean he'd fall asleep. He didn't. He screamed and screamed and cried.... a lot. Jordan tried many things to soothe Flynn whilst I kept Vala entertained. Finally Jordan managed to get Flynn to sleep through the power of koala cuddles but he woke up again halfway through the firework display. At first he was mesmerised by the fireworks but then the really loud ones started launching and he didn't like the deep booms.

Jordan had Vala on his shoulders so I held Flynn was the remainder of the display and he calmed
right down and watched the fireworks with us. It was a really nice family moment. Especially when Jordan put his arm around me and the four of us were huddled up together watching the fireworks explode over the river. It was a beautiful and magical moment and one I will treasure for a lifetime.

All in all, it was an amazing night, tears aside. Vala went on so many rides, enjoyed her first ever slushie and left the festival with one of those annoying flashing butterfly wands that sings a song with in audible lyrics and no volume control. She likes it though. All I wanted from the night was to have a nice, bonding time as a family and for Vala to have a lot of fun. I got both. It was the perfect way to spend our last night together before we took Vala to her grandparents. I'm already missing her but I'm holding onto the memories of Riverside Festival to get me through the next two weeks.

Until next time,
Alli xo

Sunday, 5 August 2018

Wednesday, 1 August 2018

Starting August off with a flop

Hey everyone! Happy August 1st! August already, can you believe it? I certainly can't. I'm already starting to decide what my kids Halloween costumes are going to be this year because the months are just flying by. I honestly felt like I'd be able to start this month off totally fresh and with new perspective but it's not even the end of the first day and already I've flopped.

I don't know how much more of the school holidays I can take and it's only the first week. Vala has been on my nerves all day and I'm already at breaking point. As Flynn napped this afternoon, Vala nagged and nagged about going out for a walk. I kept telling her she had to wait. Once Flynn was awake, I got him, myself and Vala ready to go out. Well, mostly got us ready. All that was left to do was brush Vala's hair, get my shoes on and put Flynn in his pram. Sounds simple enough right? Nope! For you see, while I was changing and dressing Flynn, Vala decided to start doing some colouring. Once Flynn was dressed, I put him back down in his cot while I went to finish getting Vala and myself ready. I sat beside Vala and asked her to stand in front of me so i could do her hair. She refused and then started throwing a massive tantrum because she didn't want to stop colouring. So I said fine, keep colouring we won't go out. That made the tantrum worse. She wanted to both colour and go out. It ended up this whole ordeal with her losing TV time and me deciding I can't face going outside now because I'm super stressed out, finding it difficult to not let my PND get the better of me and I don't want to deal with my child throwing more tantrums while we're out (which she has done every single time we've taken her out lately).

Anyway, by the time she had calmed back down and let me brush her hair, Flynn had fallen back to sleep in his cot. The whole ordeal has left me feeling like a lousy mother yet again because Flynn was so bored he went back to sleep and Vala has been so naughty lately that it feels like I'm doing something wrong. That somehow I'm raising her wrong. Writing this post has given me the opportunity to calm down and gather my thoughts and now I am going to attempt to get the kids to the supermarket as Jordan's at work an extra hour today, so I don't want him having to do the shop on his way home. I am honestly dreading this because I feel like Vala has another tantrum lined up for me in the middle of the supermarket but I've gotta soldier through this. Just wish I could've started the month off feeling more positive opposed to feeling like a failure again. Oh well, there's always next month.

Until next time,
Alli xo