Monday, 18 June 2018

On the cusp of giving up.

Hey everyone

I hope this Monday is treating you all well. No one is suffering from the Monday Blues I hope. I am dealing with some blues though I don't think they're related to what day of the week it is. My mental demons are out in force today and have managed to conquer me.

I was supposed to be going to the gym today
as Jordan isnt working but in the time it took for my gym pants to dry in the dryer, my demons managed to break me down to a snotty, blubbering wreck. The last few times I've been to the gym, I've really struggled. My body is a lot weaker than it was before i fell pregnant with Flynn. I struggle to do even the most basic warm up at the gym. My heart races so fast and im gasping for breath, never feeling like I'm actually getting enough air into my lungs. It's physically too hard. What's more humiliating is the fact I can't dial it back and make it any easier than I already am. Most the equipment is on the easiest setting and I still struggle. It makes me feel ashamed, embarrassed and completely humiliated. I can hear the demons in my head laughing at me when I break.

At the moment it seems like my demons are stronger than my actual body is because they've managed to talk me out of going to the gym multiple times this month. As I write this, I'm currently curled up in bed after a good long crying session. I want to go the gym. I want to better myself. I want to be stronger. But I'm terrified and that's something I don't want. I don't want to be so afraid of exercising in front of people that I break down and start crying from the comfort of my bed. Jordan suggested I do cardio at home but since we live in a first floor flat, I know my weight will cause the whole floor to shake and the downstairs neighbours to hear every loud thud I make. Plus Jordan would see me or at the very least feel the house shaking and that is just as upsetting as the strangers at the gym seeing me gasping for breath, dripping in sweat after only 3 minutes on the cross trainer.

Right now I feel like my demons have won. I'm too scared to exercise around people or even in the privacy of my own home. I feel lost and right now I am on the cusp of giving up. I want to cancel my gym membership because it's wasted money if I just keep scaring myself out of going.

I hate myself so much right now and genuinely don't know how to get passed this. I....I don't know what to do anymore.

Until next time,
Alli xo

Sunday, 17 June 2018

Thursday, 14 June 2018

Filing for divorce.

Hey everyone!

I only just realised that I forgot to put a post up on Monday so here's a bit of a long-winded post for you to make up for the delay. So one post I wasn't sure whether or not to make was about me getting a divorce. It's not exactly a cheerful subject and it's been a long time coming but it is a big moment in my life so here I am to explain what is going on.

I married Vala's father back in October 2012 and our marriage was pretty short lived. In January 2015 I ended the marriage. Vala was just 13 months at the time. It was a very difficult and scary decision to make but it truly was a horrible marriage and a poisonous environment to raise Vala in. I lived with Vala's father for 6 months after the initial separation and it was really hard. My social worker had a chat with me about the separation and my reasons for ending the marriage and then grew concerned about me when she realised I had been a victim of emotional abuse from my husband. She immediately referred me to a therapist who worked with victims on domestic abuse and after a few sessions with her, I was onto a program called "The Freedom Program" which is to help victims of [any form of] domestic abuse identify their abusers tactics and how to recover and learn to move on without blaming ourselves.

The program was great and it completely lifted the veil off my eyes and I suddenly started seeing my husband the way my friends and family had. They'd told me multiple times that he was controlling, manipulative and abusive and I always defended him, saying they were wrong. It was in fact me that was wrong. Attending the program each week was hard though since I was still living with him and he HAD to always know where I was going, what I was doing, who I was seeing, and what I was saying about him. To this day, he still denies ever being emotionally abusive and that it was in fact me, that was the problem in our marriage. He knows that I never sought the therapy, it was referred to me without my say, by my social worker/therapist but yet still claims he was never in the wrong.

It took about a year after he finally moved out for things to become even remotely amicable between us. If it weren't for Vala, I'd have nothing more to do with her father and he'd be nothing more than a distant bad memory. However, for Vala's sake, I still speak to him and unfortunately see him (usually just via video calls) every so often.  He is the reason I never returned to Australia. He wouldn't let me go home and take Vala with me so I was forced to start a new life for Vala and I here in the UK. It goes without saying though, that staying in the UK was the best thing that could've happened. Being here lead me to meet Jordan and now im very happily engaged with another beautiful child to love. My life is everything I have always wanted. It's what I'd hoped my life would've been with Vala's dad when I first left Australia.

I planned to file for divorce after 2 years of separation (living apart), which was July 2017 but finances weren't great for him and as I was pregnant at the time, I didn't wanting to fronting the divorce fee by myself. So it got put off. Until finally, at the beginning of last month, the system changed so that I could file for divorce online rather than completing and sending off 3 identical forms. Online, I completed my divorce petition and paid the full fee within 20 minutes! It was so quick and stupidly easy. In less than a week, my husband had the papers arrive at his place and he'd signed and sent them off again. Now I'm just waiting for the Decree Nisi to come through, then waiting 6 weeks and 1 day to apply for my Decree Absolute and once that comes through, I will officially be divorced!

Finally closing this chapter for good and I can focus solely on my family. I can't wait!

Until next time,
Alli xo

Wednesday, 13 June 2018

Getting Over Fears: Vala's Swimming

Hey everyone,

So one thing most of you won't know about me is that there are a few silly things that actually have
terrified the crap outta me for quite some time. I wanted this year to be the year that I started getting over those fears. The three biggest fears I've had are; taking the kids swimming, getting my drivers license and learning to drive. I am proud to say that I've officially gotten over half of one of these fears.

Only half? You might be thinking and that is because I've only gotten over the fear with Vala not Flynn yet. See, Vala started swimming lessons 2 weeks ago after I took her swimming for the very first time ever, for her friends pool party. I still haven't taken Flynn swimming yet for the simple fact, I'd feel better having Jordan with us so we were taking care of a child each, rather than me trying to juggle both in the water. So that is why I am only half over this fear. Seeing Vala in the water during swimming lessons no longer scares me but instead, it makes me extremely proud and happy. She loves swimming so much and enjoys her lessons every week.

Whilst I am still a little nervous about how Flynn is going to be in the water (especially since he hates baths), I honestly can't wait to take him swimming with Vala and Jordan. We just need to find a time when they have Free For All swimming in the small pool at our local leisure center that doesn't clash with Jordan's new erratic work hours. Easier said than done unfortunately. I'm also planning to take Flynn is parent and baby swimming lessons once Vala is at full time school. I might even wait until he is a year old to do it, depending on how he reacts to being in the pool. We'll see. But I'm not afraid to do it anymore. I'm eager and excited and only slight apprehensive about taking Flynn swimming. I guess I'm more over my fear than I thought I was. Go me!

Until next time,
Alli xo

Sunday, 10 June 2018

Saturday, 9 June 2018

My bucket list

Hey everyone,

Sorry for the lack of a post yesterday, I was feeling a bit under the weather. So anyway, the other day I was randomly looking through old files I had saved on my pc and deleting any that I no longer needed. That is when I came across my old bucket list. I updated it slightly by removing a few items that were no longer an interest to me and whilst I've not currently added any more to this list, I thought I would share it with you. Enjoy!

  1. Visit the Great Pyramids of Giza.
  2. Visit Machu Picchu.
  3. Be at the final stage of the Tour de France.
  4. Drink at Oktoberfest.
  5. Write a novel.
  6. Buy a house.
  7. Finish a university degree.
  8. Own a dog.
  9. Cage dive with sharks.
  10. Achieve my ideal weight.
  11. Complete a marathon
  12. Give a heartfelt surprise to someone.
  13. Do volunteer work.
  14. See the northern lights.
  15. Go on a road trip.
  16. Live abroad.
  17. Act in a film.
  18. Go glamping
  19. See snow.
  20. Become a published author
  21. See cherry blossoms in Japan.
  22. Fly in a helicopter.
  23. See the Mona Lisa in the Louvre.
  24. Get a tattoo
  25. Be on TV.
  26. Play paint twister
  27. Learn to cook...better.
  28. Build a snowman.
  29. Learn to drive.
  30. Sing Karaoke in public.
  31. Be in a theatre production.
  32. Go parasailing.
  33. Swim with dolphins.
  34. Ride a jet ski.
  35. Try Sushi.
  36. Walk through Japan’s tunnel of lights.
  37. Watch the sunrise.
  38. Hug a Koala.
  39. Go on a wine tasting weekend.
  40. Chase a storm.
  41. Stand under a waterfall.
  42. Meet someone famous.
  43. Take Pictures in a Photo Booth.
  44. Teach a Class.
  45. Drink at an Ice Bar.
  46. Attend a jazz festival.
  47. Go to Comic Con.
  48. Be a Member of a TV Studio Audience.
  49. Get a kiss from a seal.
  50. Experience a white Christmas.
  51. Sleep under the stars.
  52. Stay at a 5-star hotel.
  53. Spend a night in a blanket fort.
  54. Complete the 40-hour famine.
  55. Go Zorbing.
  56. Host a Christmas party.
  57. Visit Candi Borobudur.
  58. Eat a crepe in France.
  59. Watch my children get married.
  60. Complete a colour run

I could probably add more to this list if I thought about it but for the moment I'm happy with what I've currently got on there. How many of these are on your bucket list? Do you have a bucket list? If so, feel free to post it in the comments below and share it with me. There might even be some on your list that I'd love to add to mine, you never know. 

Until next time,
Alli xo

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Wednesday, 6 June 2018

Wake up call.

Hey there everyone,

Today I got a bit of a wake up call in terms of my health. Nothing bad....yet, however I received a text from my doctors informing me that I was due for my annual blood test. Thanks to the gestational diabetes I had when pregnant with Flynn, I am now required to have a blood test once a year to check whether or not I have developed type two diabetes. I had a 1 in 2 risk of developing it after pregnancy and are at higher risk of developing it later in life.

Now you're probably wondering why this appointment reminder was a wake up call to me and the answer is because I'd forgotten all about having gestational diabetes and being at a higher risk. I've been so consumed by my postnatal depression and making myself feel happier (with sugar) that I'd forgotten that my health was in a bit of a fragile state. I've been eating chocolate, ice-cream, cake etc like it's nobodies business. The text reminded me that I need to be making healthier choices and exercising more. I wasn't just trying to lose weight to feel better about myself, I was also supposed to be doing it to lower my risk of developing diabetes. I'm actually quite appalled by myself and how I let such an important matter slip outta my mind.

I spoke to Jordan about it and he has agreed that we, as a family, are going to have a total overhaul. Ensuring we all stick to the same diet/lifestyle changes will help keep me on track. It's a bit hard to change my own eating habits when those around me are eating all the things I'm trying to cut out. So we're going to have set meal times and lunch and dinner will be diabetic friendly meals (lots of protein, good carbs and vegetables). I'm not fussed about making breakfast diabetic friendly because I'm not tempted by sugary cereals so I don't see why Vala and Jordan should have to give up their cheerios or coco pops because of me. I'm setting to work on drafting up a routine for us, to help us be more active and healthier overall as well. For example, I'm going to dedicate fifteen minutes before Vala's bedtime to "family stretching". Vala's bedtime is 8pm, so at 7:30pm the TV will be turned off and as a family we will do a few yoga stances and stretches until 7.45pm. Then I'll ensure Vala has her teeth and hair brushed, pj's on and is in bed on time.

I know a lot of things have to change for us to be a healthier family but if we work together I'm sure we can achieve it. Not having set meal times has been a big set back for us. Especially dinner time. I usually want us to eat all together as a family so don't start dinner until Jordan is on his way home from work. Depending on when he left we were having dinner any time between 6pm and 7:30pm. His work hours are now more sporadic and I'm coming to accept that sometimes, he won't be home to have dinner with us as a family. So from now dinner will always be at 6pm whether or not Jordan is home. This does make me sad as eating together as a family has always been important to me (it's what I grew up with) but we need a routine and one day Jordan will have a new job that will allow him to be home in time for dinner. It'll also be a lot easier to get Vala to bed on time when we're not sitting down for dinner half an hour before her bedtime.

On top of everything else, I'm also looking in ways of improving my physical activity. Going to the gym on Jordan's days off isn't going to be enough. On the days Jordan does have work and the gym seems unlikely, I'm considering getting up super early in the morning and going for a brisk walk before Jordan has to leave for work. This will be an insanely hard task as I am not a morning person at all. I have always been a night owl and never been able to switch. Nonetheless I am going to at least try it and see how I get on.

So yeah, long post full of ranting but we've got some big changes coming our way and it's time I get my head in the game and change not only my life, but my family's life for the better.

Until next time,
Alli xo